[186] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. Stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Fri Apr 8 11:06:08 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 08 Apr 94 10:49:35 EDT
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 06:39:23 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
The following selections are from fido.humor
which was forwarded to me by:
Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
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Mrs. Weinstein - "Is there a doctor in the house? Please, I need to
know, is there a doctor in the house?"
Dr. Goldberg - "Yes. I am a doctor. How may I help you"
Mrs Weinstein - "Oh Doctor. Thank God. I'd like you to meet my daughter."
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A fish walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Sorry we
don't serve fish here." The fish replied, "Good, I'll stay."
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Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her
birdbath? -It was enough tequila mockingbird.
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Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief
fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped
down and found himself in the city prison.
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Subj: Anti-Barney League - Barney Must Die New
From: HELLRAISER <STUHAVEN%EKU.BITNET@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list RELUSR-L <RELUSR-L@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!"
-- Gumby, '60s animation star
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TOP TEN TRANSPROTER MALFUNCTION EPISODES WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET):
10.An away team disappears, and the mystery isn't solved until it
is discovered that ensign Scott, who entered the coordinates
into the transporter is dyslexic.
9. During an ion storm, Worf is beamed up, but finds himself a
long time ago in a galaxy far, far away---"Star Worf"
8. Worf is accidentally beamed through an improbability field and
turns into a bowl of petunias. Troi can sense only one thought
from him (which also happens to be the episode title):"Oh no,
not again".
7. A short circut causes the transporter system to shrink the away
team to microscopic size and transported into Geordi's visor--
"A Beam in Geordi's Eye".
6. Static interference with the transporter system causes the away
team to instantly age 50 years. Since de-aging people is now
standard procedure of the enterprise, this episode is fixed before
the credits start. The rest of the episode consists of a
discussion on why sheilds always fail--"Staff Meeting".
5. A subspace disturbance affects the transporter, causing a genetic
alteration in Captain Picard which makes his nose grow even
longer--"Picarnocchio".
4. While testing a new transporter system, O'Brian doesn't notice
a fly on the transporter pad with him. The Enterprise is then
boarded by a horde of copyright lawyers.
3. A power surge as Data is being beamed sends him back to 1985 on
Earth. It also short circuts his positronic circuits, so he believes
that he must kill a woman named Sarah Conner--"Termidata".
2. Data, Troi, and Riker have their signals scrambled together by a
computer error and become one being: A logical first officer
with psychic power--"Mindmeld".
AND THE NUMBER ONE TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODE WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET):
1. Troi and Worf are beaming up from a planet when an ionic pulse
disrupts the beam. Troi is okay, but Worf is split into seven small,
bearded men, each with a diffrent dominant trait--"Troi White and
the Seven Worfs".
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The best thing on TV now is the OFF switch
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Bill Clinton lines:
Arkansas figured out a way to get rid of Clinton.
Asked for an audience with Clinton but only got to meet Bill.
Bill Clinton is attempting to UNzip your wallet.
Bush, Perot, Clinton: Do nothing, Say nothing, Nothing
Clinton defense #17: Aliens ran my campaign while I was with Elvis.
Clinton for President? Sure, but what about her husband?
Clinton is like Odo. They both change before your eyes.
Clinton is to Washington as 'Pong' is to a Cray.
Clinton may not have inhaled but Brown has never exhaled.
Clinton the best hope? That's like saying Moe was the smart stooge.
CLINTON.SYS Installed DODGE.EXE Running.
Clinton/Gore for a kinder, gentler Communism.
Clinton/Gore: Divide by ZERO error - not allowed!
Clintonism: One who allows their purse snatched = patriot.
Error opening CLINTON.LIE Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA.
Is that a real yes or a Clinton 'Yes'.
President Clinton: America gets the Bill.
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There was this frog on a lily pad, in the middle of a pond,
surrounded by alligators. He didn't want to be eaten but he couldn't
think of a way to get to edge of the pond without being gobbled up.
Then, as he was about to give up, he looked up. Up in a tree was an owl.
He called to the owl and asked, "Mr. Owl, I am stuck on a lily pad in
the middle of this pond, surrounded by alligators. How can I get to the
edge of the pond without being eaten?"
The owl looked down at the frog and said, "Well Mr. Frog, it is
obvious. You should fly off your lily pad to the edge of the pond."
Hearing this the frog began to flap his arms frantically. He then
leaped into the air so as to fly to the edge of the pond. But instead he
fell right into the open mouth of a nearby alligator.
Just before the alligator closed his mouth, the frog shouted up to the
owl in the tree, "Mr. Owl, didn't you know that frogs can't fly?"
The owl responded, "I do concepts, not implementation."
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Reverend Endicott died and went to heaven. Strolling through the
clouds on his first day, he went hours without seeing another soul. At
the end of the day he found only three other men. They didn't seem to
be too happy. One explained that his afterlife was dull. He read all
day, he napped, and once in a while he exercised. Puzzled, the reverend
asked Saint Peter if a scouting trip to hell was possible? Saint Peter
waved an okay.
The reverend found himself in a fiery region, but as he walked on, he
heard music coming from the distance. He walked faster, almost breaking
into a run, and soon arrived at a strange scene. He seemed to be in
some kind of cabaret. People sat at the tables drinking and carousing.
On the huge dance floor, thousands, perhaps millions, of people danced
to a rock-an-roll ensemble with twenty guitarists, a dozen men at
synthesizers, and drummers too numerous to count.
Now even more puzzled, the reverend asked to be returned to heaven.
He asked Saint Peter, "How come Hell is dancing and music, and up here
things are so quiet?"
Saint Peter answered, "Do you think we'd hire a band for just three
people?"
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The line for the bowl game was endless. It wound clear around the
stadium. A late arrival walked up to the front of the line and tried
to push his way in. A burly fan who'd been waiting for the gates to
open since ten growled at the late arrival and heaved him fifty feet
back into the line.
A second time, the man tried to edge his way into the front. Again,
he was tossed back.
After the third time, the late arrival picked himself up and said,
"If you don't stop throwing me out of line, nobody's getting in today.
I have the key!"
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It's customary in pro football to greet a new hotshot with some
special attention. One new running back was put in the game. On the
first play he was knocked down and eleven opposing players plopped down
on him with all their weight and more. When they were finally pulled
off, the new hotshot shook the cobwebs out of his head, got up, looked
around, and said, "How'd all of those eighty thousand folks get back in
their seats so fast?"
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Two drunks found themselves on a roller coaster. One said, "We're
making great time, but I'm not sure this is the right bus!"
........
Al went into a New York cafe and asked for a Manhattan. The
bartender was an Indian and charged him twenty-four dollars!
........
He never drinks when he's driving. He doesn't want to spill any!
........
One day he saw a sign: "Drink Canada Dry." He went!
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If Alexander Graham Bell had had a daughter, he'd never have invented
the telephone!
........
Fish must be brain food, because they travel in schools!
........
Fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in port!
........
Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other!
........
There's nothing a fisherman can do if his worm ain't trying!
........
Gambling is a great way of getting nothing for something.
........
We have a dozen bingo halls in our town. All the proceeds go to
fight gambling.
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A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests
attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn
doing yardwork. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their
thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and
did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest
remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay
him $100 to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the
host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey
Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake
again?'
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A hillbilly goes to a movie for the first time. He watches a love
scene in which the hero kisses the girl on the forehead, then on the
eyes, the cheeks, the nose, and then to the neck and the shoulders. The
hillbilly says to the man next to him, "That feller sure don't know
where to kiss a girl, does he?"
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The first bathtub was used in 1850. The phone wasn't invented until
1875. A lucky guy could have spent twenty-five years in the tub without
the phone ringing once!
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Buzzard 1: Hey, why is that chicken crossing the road?
Buzzard 2: Who cares as long as someone hits it.
- --------------------------
You know when times are good on Wall Street. On the ledge there are
more pigeons than brokers!
........
Heard before: I left my heart in San Francisco, but everything else
went on Wall Street!
........
When a Wall Street investor says that this is his bridge night, it
could mean either cards or jumping.
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For a birthday present, a country boy received a wristwatch. It ran
for a week and suddenly stopped. He brought it to the general store
where it came from. The storekeeper opened the back, looked in, and
found a small dead roach. Shrugging his shoulders, the storekeeper
said, "We'll have to send it back. The darn engineer is dead!"
- --------------------------
When you have three boys, it's hard to know whom to blame if
something goes wrong in the house. One father explained to a friend how
he solved the problem: "I send all three to bed without letting them
watch television. In the morning I go after the one with the black eye!"
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Bill Clinton is feeling overwhelmed with negative public opinion and decides to
get out of the White House for a few hours to clear his head. He dons a
disguise and starts walking around Washington. He stops first at the
Washington Memorial and goes in and says "George, George, George, what can you
tell me about running the country? A voice replies "Protect the Constitution".
He then goes to the Jefferson Memorial and says "Tom, Tom, Tom, What can you
tell me to be a better President? A voice replies "Protect the 1st
Ammendment". He then goes to the Lincoln Memorial and says "Abe, Abe, Abe, How
can I best serve the people of this great country? A voice replies... "Go to
Ford Theatre"
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A <Ethnic> was told that most car accidents happen within a ten mile
radius of ones house - so he moved.
A <Ethnic> locked his keys in the car and it took him a week to get his
family out.
There was this <Ethnic> who had heard a good joke in a bar, and
intended to tell his wife when he got home. But then he was afraid
that he might be carrying a joke too far.
Did you hear about the two <Ethnics> who went hunting? On the way, they
came to a fork in the road where a sign said "bear left", so they
turned around and went home.
Two <Ethnics> went on a hunting trip. After it began to get dark, they
thought it was about time to go home. They unfortunately got lost.
One <Ethnic> said to the other, "I read that if you get lost in the woods
you should fire three shots in the air. It is supposed to be an
"S.O.S." So the second <Ethnic> shot three times into the air. After
waiting for a few hours, they repeated the signal. They tried it over
and over, but nobody came to help them. Finally, the second <Ethnic>
said, "O.K., I'll try again, but we're running out of arrows!"
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"Doctor, I'm really worried about my husband," the woman told the
psyciatrist. "He has multiple personalities, all of them comic
book characters. Now he think's he's Batman."
"It's too bad he didn't get treatment earlier," the shrink said,
"but with intensive therapy, I think I can cure him."
"I guess that would be the best thing to do," the woman replied.
Then with a slight shrug, she added ruefully, "but Robin is so good
with the kids."
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An Englishman watching his first American football game was asked by
his host what he thought about it.
"Not a bad sport," the Englishman said, "but they seem to have an
excessive number of committee meetings."
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There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Alley's Grocery
Store. I don't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to
tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy
of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel
and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day I was there when they did that, and after Junior grabbed the
nickel, Lamar and I got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those
boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth
more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger,
or what?"
He looked at Lamar and me and said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd
quit doing it!"
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The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the
second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a
fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teach, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
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