[1840] in Humor
HUMOR: Answering machine Messages
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jan 23 16:28:37 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 1997 15:09:28 EST
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 1997 14:15:32 EST
From: Erik Nygren <nygren@MIT.EDU>
From: Michael Wagner <mwagner@netgate.net>
Those who are poor in recording voice greetings on their answering
machines can try using these suggestions and say something new...
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is,
"We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine
simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never
have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you
call me...
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale
in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we
are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it
means the machine did not work.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push "1"
on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push "2"
on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push "3" on
your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do
anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel
like we have a big time phone system.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call.
Hello. I'm home right now, but cannot find the phone. Please leave a
message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave
your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If
you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this
message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start
talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the
phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle
stuff around] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your
phone 90 degrees and try again.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
[Darth Vader voice:] Speak, worm!
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your
you-know-what, you-know-when.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
nineteen-nineties. You know what to do.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.
[Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest
exciting message]
