[1799] in Humor
HUMOR: Adventures of an Intern
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Tue Jan 7 21:49:03 1997
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 1997 21:41:36 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
I can believe it - I took my sister to the hospital last sunday in North
Andover. It was a slow day and the girl waiting next to us seemed really
nervous and didn't want to talk to the intern, so they sent in a female nurse.
...turns out that she still had a condom in her from last night and wanted it
removed. Trouble was, she was convinced that it would require surgery to do
it. After about an hour of agonizing, she consented to the proedure and they
had it out of her in about 10 seconds. She quickly went from being embarrassed
about the condom to being embarrassed about being an idiot. Oh, well...
-Drew
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
Date: Mon, 06 Jan 1997 18:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: "Catherine E. Stanton" <cat@UU.NET>
Excerpted from the "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" mailing list:
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1996 16:25:21 -0800 (PST)
From: "Mike Sugimoto" <phloem@islandnet.com>
Strangest thing, eh? That *IS* a tough one.
WARNING: CONTAINS STUFF THAT MIGHT OFFEND SOME VIEWERS. SEND YOUNG KIDS
OUT OF THE ROOM IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM SCARRED FOR LIFE, YOU MAY ALSO WANT
TO STOP DRINKING CARBONATED BEVERAGES SO YOU DON'T SPEW IT OUT YOUR NOSE.
The story I like to tell was something I saw in my internship year that
is actually pretty common -- a gentleman came in one evening in no small
amount of pain. After much coaching and prodding from us, it was revealed
that his lover had slipped a steel ring around the base of his penis,
ostenisably to "highten the pleasurable sensation." But this was three
days ago, and he'd tried everything to get it off -- soap, glycerine, oil.
Finally, he'd come to us because the urethal metus had swollen so much he
couldn't urinate any more. We ended up calling maintenance to come with
a set of bolt cutters; chopped off the ring (bet you thought I was gonna
say something else!), gave him some local anti-inflammatories, and sent
him home with a warning to never put anything metal around his genetalia
again. (Rich Clark, a fellow lister, tells a similar story, only his has
to do with a lock and chain wrapped round by a teed-off prostitute.)
My battle story from September of this year is a man who was brought in
by paramedics after he nearly eviscerated himself by trying to juggle
knives. Not only did he have three deep stab wounds in his abdomen, he
also had cuts on his hands and his feet. This is also my nominee for the
1996 Darwin award.
I've retrieved or have assisted on retrival of all kinds of things from
various parts of the lower anatomy -- cucumbers, eggs, Duracell batteries
(from AAA to D), hot dogs and other kinds of tubular meats, shotgun shells
(aie!), and shaving cream cans. Adding on to this is a rise in the number
of lost condom reports. This usually happens because the guys stays in a
bit too long, the erection fades, and clings to the internal surfaces of
whatever he was in. Whoops! Condom's gone. Understandably, these people
aren't exactly going to be digging around down there, so they come to ask
us to help. I'm glad to see people are practicing safe sex, but really,
someone needs to teach them about how to use the tools.
Then there was the gentleman who swallowed a lightbulb..
A young man complained of a "full" feeling in his sinuses, so I grabbed
a nasal speculum and took a quick peek up there -- and saw what looked to
be almost an entire slice of pizza. After suctioning it out, I counted
about nine slices of mushroom, a big wad of cheese, and half a round of
pepperoni.
Speaking of stuff you find up people's noses, parents have brought in kids
that have put Tic Tacs, pills, Smarties/M&Ms, peanuts and other
bean-shaped things up there. I've seen cocaine snorters who, apart from
the permanent nose bleed, have completely disintegrated their nasal septum
so you can thread something up the one nostril and out the other. Makes
packing their nose for that bleed... interesting. Kids will also try to
eat anything -- Silly String, for example. And then there was the time we
saw a kid who decided he wanted to try chewing Silly Putty..
Then there are all the interesting ways people try to kill themselves.
I've seen people who tried to toss themselves out of their apartments
(usually while high), fall eight feet (they live on the second floor),
and end up in Mrs. Fiskin's rose bush. A 15 year old girl tried to commit
suicide by taking six 1 mg tablets of Ativan, which won't do anything to
you aside from make you kind of drowsy. Someone tried to saw through their
wrists using half a pop can. A guy tried to bludgeon himself to death;
another one tried to hold his head under water to kill himself that way.
(What!?)
People seeking drugs are also fun. We admitted a 14 year-old boy to psych
a while ago because he was smoking tea bags and making his lungs bleed.
I've seen people with tubes of contact cement stuck to their faces, and
whipped cream up their noses. There have been folks who tried to smoke
pine cones, and who eat every thing in the forest hoping to find a
peyote-like substance. The best, though, are guys who are high as a kite
on eight different drugs at once, so when we put in the Narcan (a
narcotics antagonist; it clears out any of those drugs real quick), we're
never sure what's going to happen. I had a girl on LSD repeatedly ask me
if she was blue, who demanded to be lead to a sink so she could scrub the
blue away.
Then the psych patients come marching in. I've met Jesus twice, Elvis
three times, as well as James Dean and the re-incarnated spirit of John
F. Kennedy. There have been folks who insist that Fidel Castro is in
charge of all of North America, and that he has implants in everyone's
head to tell them what to do. (Oddly enough, this guy DID have something
in his brain, and it wasn't a tumor, it was a steel plate.) And on full
moons, the lunatics come out -- vampires, werewolves, zombies and the
like. We post guards at the entrance to the morgue on nights like that.
I've got many, many more, but I think that suffices for today. :)
Amused,
----
mike sugimoto gat/md/t/s, er resident<tm>, dreamer, shaper, singer, maker
phloem@islandnet.com http://www.islandnet.com/~phloem/
"i deserve true love -- even if it costs me $3.99 a minute."
