[1679] in Humor
HUMOR: Barbies We'd Like to See
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Sat Nov 2 21:40:00 1996
Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 21:36:21 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
From: Joshl2@aol.com
BARBIES WE'D LIKE TO SEE
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-the Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery
on herself in the Outback.
Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for
women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may
be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to
make ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and
out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass,
and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn
about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also includes
tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as
contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various
stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring
that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own
Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge of
Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Options include a tiny
mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie townhouse. Accessories include garb
suitable for most Christian and eastern faiths. So why not already?
Homegirl Barbie: A Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and baggy
jeans. Complete with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of
attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't THINK so!",
"Dang, get outta my face" and "you GO girl!" Teaches girls not to take
shit from men and condescending White people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe
Robotic Barbie: Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two-legged
walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard.
Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that
voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of
dinner rolls, Bucket-O'-Fried-Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut coffee
ring, a brick of Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a
t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an appetite.
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The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie comes as no surprise to most
women. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow.
Some possibilities include...
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where
Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to
take care of one's nails while shoeing a horse.
America's Most-Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crimes
against feminism!
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold
your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is,
Ballerina barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's
clothes.
My So-called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American Dream is explored with
this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high
school, married too young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
(she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
disappear.
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Andrew Bennett MIT Department Ocean Engineering
MIT Room 5-424 77 Massachusetts Ave.
Cambridge, MA 02139 <Standard Disclaimers Apply> Phone: (617) 253-7950
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