[167] in Humor
HUMOR: NoTW
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Sat Apr 2 07:38:22 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 02 Apr 94 07:36:39 EST
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 1994 19:12:05 -0700
From: Espacionaute Spiff domaine! <matossian@aries.colorado.edu>
WEIRDNUZ.316 (News of the Weird, February 25, 1994)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* The epicenter of the January California earthquake is five miles from
the United States's largest egg farm, where hens had produced their
usual one million eggs in the hours before the quake hit. The damage
to the farm was a snapped water line, toppled empty egg pallets, and a
total of one broken egg. Said manager Robert Wagner to his employees,
"We had a 6.6 earthquake that broke less eggs than you guys do when
we're working." [San Francisco Chronicle, 1-31-94]
Last Days of the Planet
* In a report in a recent issue of Audubon magazine, Ursula Garza de
Garza of the border town of Matamoros, Mexico, mentioned that her dogs
no longer have a flea problem. "We grab the dogs and stick them in the
canal [that connects several Matamoros chemical companies], and the
fleas are gone. All the hair falls off, too, but gradually it comes
back." [Audubon Magazine, November-December 1993]
* The Washington Times, citing a Federal Protective Service report,
revealed in May that staff and volunteers of the 1993 Clinton inaugural
stole $154,000 worth of electronic equipment used for the festivities.
[Washington Times, 5-21-93]
* In January, an investigation by a British network TV news program
revealed that the late Ferdinand Marcos's stashed-away gold fortune
totals 1,200 tons--the equivalent of 15% of the contents of Fort Knox
and about 1% of all the gold ever mined in the world. [The Independent,
1-20-94]
* A London veterinarian said in January that Eileen Wilson's pet bird
Peter died of lung cancer from Wilson's smoking. Wilson disputed the
diagnosis, claiming that her previous bird had lasted 12 years despite
her smoking and that Peter had only begun to cough during his last days.
[Edmonton Journal-Reuter, 1-27-94]
* To protect its town Christmas tree from thieves and vandals this
season, the city of Moncton, New Brunswick, enclosed its 20-foot-high
tree inside a 10-foot-high chain-link pen for the duration of the
holidays. [Globe & Mail-CP, 12-11-93]
* According to the newspaper feature "Earth Week," Australia has
recently employed 80 hens as sentinels so authorities will know when an
expected invasion of mosquitos on the central Queensland coast has
started, and Russia has recently employed rats at the border to munch
on samples of Chinese potatoes to check their edibility. [Houston
Chronicle, 11-1-93; Rocky Mountain News, Jan94]
* In January, five prison guards at the Boise, Idaho, Maximum Security
Institution were accused of taunting death row inmates by playing a 1971
Neil Young song, "The Needle and the Damage Done," during a scheduled
execution-by-injection. [USA Today, 1-28-94]
* The organization Bat Conservation International proposed recently that
the former Pease Air Force Base in New Hampshire convert 15 vacant
nuclear missile bunkers into bat caves. The bunkers apparently have
just the proper temperature, humidity, and air circulation to suit bats.
[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, January/February 1994]
Fetishes on Parade
* In November, Sharon Ryan, a former patient and employee of renowned
diet doctor Walter Kempner, filed a lawsuit against him in Durham, N.
C., alleging that they had a long-term affair during which he physically
and emotionally abused her. Among the accusations was that Kempner
spanked Ryan's bare buttocks with a riding crop. In December, Kempner,
91, said he once hit Ryan with a riding crop at her request because she
said she needed punishment for failing to stick to the diet he had
prescribed. [Greensboro News & Record-AP, 1-2-94]
* The London Independent's weekly magazine reported in November on the
Hush-a-Bye Baby Club in southern England, whose adult male members dress
as female infants and refer to themselves as "Baby Michelle," "Baby
Cathy," etc. "Mummy Clare" runs the club, charging about $110 a night
($140 for non-members), which includes baby food, bottled milk, and
diaper service. Spanking is about $7 more. [The Independent Magazine,
11-6-93]
* In East Bernstadt, Ky., in December, Jimmy Humfleet, 33, was charged
with the murder of his uncle, Samuel Humfleet. According to the local
sheriff, Jimmy said he did it because he caught Samuel having sex with
one of the two pit bulls belonging to the owner of the trailer in which
they had been partying. In fact, Jimmy had called 911 twice that
evening to report the molesting. A deputy shot and killed the dog later
that evening because it was foaming at the mouth and had attacked him.
An autopsy on Samuel turned up no dog hairs or other evidence of
molestation. [London, Ky., Sentinel-Echo, 12-30-93, 12-31-93; Lexington
Herald-Leader-AP, 1-15-94]
* In August the Economic Evening News of Taiyuan, China, reported that
a woman in her 30s, unidentified in the story, had eaten more than 800
rubber nipples from baby bottles in the last three years. A province
health official said all family members apparently like the smell of
rubber. [USA Today, 8-17-93]
The Weirdo-American Community
* Dr. Walter H. Kaye, reporting in a recent medical journal, found that
female bulimics retained around 1,200 calories of food after they
purged--no matter how much food they had taken in or what their
regurgitation rate was. Kaye and his colleagues came to this conclusion
by carefully studying the content of the subjects' "vomitus."
[Psychology Today-American Journal of Psychiatry, September-October
1993]
Least Competent Customers
* In January and February, Oklahoma City police turned up several
motorists who had purchased automobile liability insurance coverage
under "God's Insurance Policy." The salesmen had convinced the
customers that such coverage would comply with Oklahoma's mandatory-
insurance law, even though the $285 policy contained mostly text from
the Bible, stated that it was "issued by the Father, Son and the Holy
Ghost," and reasoned that since it was "fear" that caused accidents,
the policy would protect its purchasers even better than commercial
insurance would. [The Daily Oklahoman, 2-5-94]
Copyright 1994, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights
reserved. Released for the personal use of readers.
No commercial use may be made of the material or of the
name News of the Weird.
