[1649] in Humor
HUMOR: Rules of Engagement
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Mon Oct 21 15:45:23 1996
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 1996 15:29:03 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
>Date: Mon, 21 Oct 1996 17:22:20 +0000 (GMT)
>From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
>Date: Mon, 07 Oct 1996 10:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
>From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
>Forwarded-by: UDSD007@DSIBM.OKLADOT.STATE.OK.US (Mike.Andrews )
>Forwarded-by: pat@lloyd.com (Leigh Ann Hussey <pat@lloyd.com>
>
>Fun list of swordfighting cliches from the pages of a stage combat
>group... (http://www.deathstar.org/groups/ros/)
>
>Avast, ye scurvy dogs!
>
> - Siobhan f
>
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>[Image]
> The Ring of Steel
>
>Combat Cliches
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>This material is extracted from a compilation of many other categories
>found on The Movie Cliches List
>
>FENCING/SWORDPLAY
>
> * At some point in a duel, the hero and villain will cross swords
> at face level, allowing them to grip each other's weapon while
> making nasty/sarcastic comments before they break the clinch and
> continue fighting. (Why doesn't anyone just ram the sword guard
> into their opponent's face, stun him, and then finish him off?)
> * If the hero and villain's swords cross at or below waist level,
> they will break the clinch, fall back, and pause -- despite the
> fact that a simple upthrust into the opponent's belly after the
> break would end the duel right there and then.
> * If there is a candelabra, the villain will show how talented he
> is with a sword by cutting the candles and watching them fall
> over; the hero will do the same but the candles won't fall until
> _after_ the villain has made a comment about the hero's lack of
> fencing ability, at which point the hero will topple the cut
> candles, showing that he is more skilled than the villain because
> _his_ candles didn't fall over from the force of the cut.
> * During a duel, the hero will jump or climb onto a
> table/bench/piano/platform that raises him above the villain. At
> that point, the villain will swipe at the hero's legs, which the
> hero avoids by jumping up in the air over the villain's blade.
> _Very_ rarely, the positions are reversed.
> * Duels usually have one scene where the actors go out of frame and
> you watch their shadows fighting.
> * If the villain wounds the hero in his sword arm, one of three
> things will happen:
> o hero becomes ambidextrous and fights with sword in other
> hand;
> o hero finds something else to defend himself with (tapestry,
> chain, Mossberg 12-gauge) that can be used with the other
> hand;
> o hero's girlfriend/sidekick comes up behind villain and
> impales him, thus saving hero.
> * If hero is disarmed by villain, one of three things will happen:
> o villain will show a trace of honour and allow hero to get
> his sword;
> o hero will make mad dash/leap over or around villain to
> regain sword;
> o just when it looks like the end, hero's girlfriend/sidekick
> throws a sword to him, which he manages to grab easily (for
> the _best_ send-up of this concept, check out ARMY OF
> DARKNESS where Ash jumps in the air and his chainsaw
> magically clamps back onto his wrist -- it's beautifully
> shot and extremely funny!).
> * If there are stairs, the hero will be forced up them backwards by
> the villain, at which point the hero will either leap to the
> ground or swing from a rope/chandelier/tapestry to get away.
> * If there is a tapestry or chandelier, the hero will cut it loose
> and drop it on the villain's henchmen _unless_ the movie is a
> comedy, in which case the hero will drop it on his own men by
> accident.
> * In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you
> must always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser
> can roll down them and die at the bottom.
>
>FIGHTS
>
> * If a character uses martial arts rather than a weapon, his
> opponents will always face him one-to-one. Spare bad guys may
> dance around the fight taunting our hero, but none will engage
> until his predecessor has been disposed of. And if it's an
> oriental martial arts film, they will fight in perfect one-two
> rhythm and form, hit-block-hit-block.
> * Two guys or a bunch of guys go at it, repeatedly bashing each
> other in the face with massive blows, or hitting each other with
> chairs, sticks, refrigerators, whatever -- and they go one doing
> this, sometimes for minutes at a time.
> * People can be rendered inoperative by bumping them on the head.
> Beware, though; after you have left the scene, this person will
> regain consciousness and be more determinted to attack you.
> * Clasping your hands together and hitting the bad guy's back will
> also guarantee unconsciousness
> * All fights taking place on the edge of a canyon, tall building,
> or other high place require at least one bad guy to get plugged
> by a bullet, arrow, or other missile weapon, causing to fall, but
> keeping him alive enough to hear his scream of terror echo as he
> plunges to his doom.
> Corollary: whenever someone falls off of a cliff or building, no
> matter how much damage they take beforehand, they scream, even if
> they were shot through the lungs twenty or thirty times, or were
> apparently unconscious.
> * In the West, the favored hand-to-hand combat technique is to
> throw yourself prostrate on the other guy and hug him.
> * When a villian is trying to murder someone with a knife, they'll
> often use just one hand. The victim meanwhile (usually a woman)
> is using both hands to restrain the villian's arm and keep the
> knife from stabbing her. But the murderer will NEVER simply use
> his other hand to take the knife and easily stab the victim. (see
> also Knives).
>
>HEROES
>
> * If the hero has a psychological/phsical problem which has
> prevented him from effectively dealing with problems, you can
> rest assured that this problem will disappear at an opportune
> time.
> * The hero always misses the villan leaving the scene by seconds.
> * Stripping to the waist makes the hero invulnerable.
> * The hero will always be paired off with a female character. The
> sidekick never will.
[Unless the female lead has a nurse/governess, in which case she will be
paired off with the sidekick.]
> * The hero's best friend/partner will usually be killed by the bad
> guys three days before retirement.
> * The hero's new wife will be mowed down by 80 machine guns right
> after the wedding or during the honeymoon.
> * Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in
> physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours.
> * The hero will always have a small trickle of blood in the right
> corner of his mouth after a fight. His lip will never be split in
> the middle, and his upper lip will always be invulnerable. He
> will wipe the blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of
> his hand, then look at it. If his face displays any other injury,
> it will usually be a small abrasion on his right cheekbone. He
> will wear a band-aid on this for one day, after which it will be
> miraculously healed.
> * The hero will always refuse the assistance of friends or medical
> personnel after a fight.
> * If the hero gets into a second fight, his most injured body part
> will always be punched or kicked.
> * A hero will show no pain even during the most terrific beating,
> yet he will wince if a women attempts to clean a facial wound.
> * When a hero is paired with a weak sidekick, that sidekick will
> invariably save the hero's life at a crucial moment, or show
> remarkable proficiency with weapons in a key scene.
> * If the hero is a white male and has an assistant/sidekick who is
> either not white or not male the assistant/sidekick will die,
> preferably in an act of heroic sacrifice.
> * If the movie hero has a sidekick and he mentiones his family in
> the first two minutes of the film, the sidekick will surely be
> killed.
> * The movie hero is (almost) always divorced, but he still has some
> contact with his ex-wife who tells him that she could not stay
> married to him because she loves him too much.
>
>Last modified: 02/07/96
