[1561] in Humor
HUMOR: The day the service died
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Aug 14 17:30:27 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 14 Aug 1996 17:20:20 EDT
Date: Wed, 14 Aug 1996 17:06:29 -0500
From: mabehr@MIT.EDU (Michael Behr)
>Forwarded-by: rac@storz.com Tue Aug 13 08:56 CDT 1996
>
> [To the tune of "American Pie"]
>
>A long, long, time ago
> I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
>And I knew if I had the chance
> They could make my modem dance
>with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
>
>But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
> with every busy they'd deliver.
>Bad news on the front page
> A 19-hour outrage.
>
>I can't remember if I cried
> when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
>But something touched me deep inside
>The day
>the service
>died.
>
>
>So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
>Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
>And good old geeks are cheering users offline
>Saying this'll be the day that they die.
>This'll be the day that they die.
>
>
>Did you write the book of TOS
> Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
>If an IM tells you so.
>
>And will you believe the Motley Fool
> When he tells you that the service rules
>And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
>
> Well I know you sold the service short
> Cause I saw your quarterly report.
>
> Steve Case sold off his stock
> It fell just like a rock.
>
>It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
>As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
>And half their users went away
>the day the service died.
>
>
> So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
> Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
> And good old geeks are cheering users offline
> Saying this'll be the day that they die.
> This'll be the day that they die.
>
>
>Well for two days we've been on our own
> And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
>But that's not how it used to be
>
>When the mogul came to Virginia court
> With an OS icon and a browser port
>And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
>
> And while Jim Clark was looking down
> The mogul stole his thorny crown
>
> The browser war was turned.
> Mozilla...was spurned.
>
>And while Steve left users out to bond
>With hosts unable to respond
>6 million newbies all were conned
>the day the service died.
>
>
> So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
> Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
> And good old geeks are cheering users offline
> Saying this'll be the day that they die.
> This'll be the day that they die.
>
>
>Da Chronic ducked their software guards
> And stole a million credit cards
>To use accounts he'd gotten free.
>
>And so Steve Case went to the FBI
> and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
>That hackers wanted child pornography *
>
> But while Steve Case was looking down
> The hackers pulled his e-mail down
>
> They put it on the net.
> He can't be trusted yet!
>
>And while user cynicism climbs
>At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
>They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
>the day the service died.
>
>
> So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
> Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
> And good old geeks are cheering users offline
> Saying this'll be the day that they die.
> This'll be the day that they die.
>
>
>Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
> The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
>Eight million in lawyer's fees.
>
>But it looks like some attorney jibe
> an hour if they resubscribe.
>To a service marketed for free
>
> Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
> Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
>
> "Until we bless the suit
> The settlement is moot."
>
>"If AOL treats you like the Borg
>Then visit aolsucks.org
>Before some router pulls the cord..."
>the day the service died.
>
>
> So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
> Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
> And good old geeks are cheering users offline
> Saying this'll be the day that they die.
> This'll be the day that they die.
>
>
>Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
> sold off his home in Tennessee
>And headed for a 4-month end.
>
>Was he sad or just incensed
> when Case offered him his thirty cents.
>Billing is the devil's only friend.
>
> But as I read him on the page
> My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
>
> No "Welcome" born in hell
> could ring that chatroom bell.
>
>
>And as chat freaks cried into the night
>CompuServe read their last rites.
>I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
>the day the service died.
>
>
> So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
> Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
> And good old geeks are cheering users offline
> Saying this'll be the day that they die.
> This'll be the day that they die.
>
>
>I met a girl in Lobby 9
> And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
>But she just frowned and looked away.
>
>And I went back to the Member Lounge
> To see what loyalty I could scrounge
>But Room Host said the members went away...
>
> And on the net the modems scream
> At faster speeds and data streams.
>
> And not a tear was spoken.
> The hourly fees were broken.
>
>And the three men that I hated most
>Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
>They couldn't dial up the host
>The day the service died.
>
>Submitted by: Julia Graham @ eor.com
