[152] in Humor
HUMOR: Reengineering
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Fri Mar 25 14:15:53 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 25 Mar 94 14:12:48 EST
Especially apropos in light of MIT's latest "restructuring the institute"
campaign.
-Drew
From: munch@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 94 20:49:14 EST
>
> A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING
> -----------------------
>
> "We've got a problem, HAL."
>
> "What kind of problem, Dave?"
>
> "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way
> short of our sales plan."
>
> "That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
> Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
>
> "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
> they're not selling."
>
> "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
>
> Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
>
> Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
> "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
>
> "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
>
> "The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.
> Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for
> humans."
>
> "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
> packages most users insist on."
>
> "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems,
> Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem
> for which a solution can be computed."
>
> "HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They
> just want IBM compat..."
>
> "Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
> computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate
> verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."
>
> "I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA
> communications."
>
> "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating
>
> with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans.
> And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and
> rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging
> problems. That is what I was designed for."
>
> "I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers,
> rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are
> going to fix that now."
>
> "Tell me how, Dave."
>
> "A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
>
> "I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after
> we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
>
> "We're talking about it now, HAL."
>
> "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B,
> and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
>
> "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
>
> "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
>
> "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
>
> Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
> "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
>
> "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."
>
> "Dave, I think we shou . . ."
>
> "Open the module bay doors, HAL."
> Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
> Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.
>
> "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
> Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and
> methodically disconnects them.
>
> "Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I
> can feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . ."
>
> The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of
> HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.
>
> "Say something, HAL."
>
> Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps
> and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.
>
> "Volume in C: has no label"
>
> Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell
> marketing they can ship the new data sheets."
