[147] in Humor
HUMOR: (long) Life B.5
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Mar 23 15:29:07 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 94 15:24:07 EST
Date: Tue, 8 Mar 1994 06:33:51 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
The following was sifted out of rec.humor:
- ----------------------------------------------------
From: D.Rutherford@appbio.utas.edu.au (Macfudd)
The original story of the failed suicide was a true story presented in the
British Journal of Forensic Science (or whatever similar title it used) in
the late 1800's. The petrol component was not present and the *salt* water
he swallowed caused him to throw-up the opium he swallowed.
- --------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
Did you hear about the desperado who tried to hijack a bus full of
Japanese tourists? Fortunately, police had 5000 photographs of the suspect.
- --------------------------
From: dixon@fourfold.ocunix.on.ca (dixon kenner)
A couple of years ago the last entry in the Ottawa-Hull telephone book was
a Mr. 0'Conner. A typo by a data entry clerk combined with the IBM
mainframe sorting routine (EBSDIC based) lead to this interesting occurrance.
- ----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
meo@pencom:com <Miles O'Neal>
- --------------------------
From: 123paszek@gw.wmich.edu
An Arkansas policeman comes up to another Arkansas policeman and says:
"Here's a riddle. In what month are the most babies born?"
"I don't know."
"In the ninth!"
"Ha! ha! That's funny!" says the other one and walks away. He happens to
bump into a sergeant from the National Guard, and says:
"I just heard a good riddle. In what month are the most babies born?"
"I don't know."
"October, stupid!"
- --------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
The principal speaker at a United Givers fundraising dinner said to the
orchestra leader, "As I come to the end of my speech tonight, I'm going to
call on everyone in the audience who will pledge $100 to stand up. At
exactly that moment, I want your orchestra to play some appropriate music."
"What music," the orchestra leader asked, "Would you consider appropriate?"
"Why," said the speaker, "`The Star Spangled Banner', of course."
- --------------------------
From: jomst2+@pitt.edu (Jonggu Moon)
wtull@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu writes:
>Everyone says that a stopped clock is right twice a day.
>What if it's on military time?
Then, "Even a stopped clock is right once a day, SIR!"
- --------------------------
From: rog@Ingres.COM (Roger Taranto)
Whenever we left the lights on, my father used to complain,
"Do you think we own stock in PG&E?" (PG&E is the local utility
company.) So, one year my brother bought my father one share
of PG&E stock for his birthday.
- ----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
hall@leopard.cs.uidaho.edu (Kelly Hall)
- --------------------------
From: Bob.Underdown@f1040.n391.z1.FidoNet.Org (Bob Underdown)
When Abraham Lincoln was running for Congress in the middle 1840's he
ran against a Hellfire and Brimstone Methodist Preacher who campaigned
against Lincoln, calling him a heretic because he wasn't a regular church
goer. One Sunday, Lincoln came to the Church where the Preacher was
giving giving a sermon and sat down in the back. The Preacher spotted
Lincoln and thought to himself, "Now I've got him..."
He spoke to the congregation and said, "I want everyone who thinks
they're going to Heaven to stand." Everyone stood except Lincoln.
Then the Preacher spoke again and said "I want everyone who thinks
they're going to Hell." Lincoln remained seated.
The Preacher thought to himself that he had Lincoln for sure now and
said: "Well Mr Lincoln, just where do you *THINK* you're going?"
Lincoln stood put his hat on and turned to leave. Over his shoulder he
said, "Well, I EXPECT to go to *CONGRESS*!"
- --------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
Subject: joke
An Indiana farmer took his family to the nation's capital to see how their
government worked. After visiting the House of Representatives, they went
to the Senate gallery, where the chaplain of the Senate was speaking.
"Daddy," asked the farmer's ten-year-old daughter, "does the chaplain pray
for the Senate?"
"No," said the farmer. "He comes in, looks at the Senators, and then prays
for the country."
- --------------------------
From: Renee@cup.portal.com (Renee Linda Roberts)
B of A went around about a year ago, adding braille stickers to their
ATM's, including the few drive-thru's they have. I asked one of the
guys that was doing it if it was just a little insane to put them on
the drive-thru ones, and he replied, "I was told to put them on ALL
of the ATM's".
- --------------------------
From: dehrendorf@mzdmza.zdv.uni-mainz.de
This was a long time in the making, huh?
OBFact: After spending two hours pleading with a deranged gunman to give
himself up and come out of his house, police in Oakland, California,
were able to call the siege off when they discovered that the gunman
was standing beside them, shouting entreaties to himself.
Similarly, in East Hampton, Conneticut, a group of volunteers
dragging a lake were able to cease their efforts when a man helping
them realized the presumed drowning victim they were looking for was
himself.
- ----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
Michael Rutkaus:EdServices
- --------------------------
From: dmacks@clark.net (Daniel Ezra Macks)
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about
why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there
was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made
and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant,
and ordered the first pork-containing item on the menu. While he's
waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation
walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner,
and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter
returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter,
and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The
congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy
place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve an apple."
- --------------------------
I heard about a suggestion from a friend who was
talking to an ex-girlfriend of mine (who is blonde..).
He was asking her how come a friend of hers was in the same grade at
school (okay, call me a cradle snatcher!) , yet she was a year younger
than the rest of her friends.
The reply came "perhaps she was held back a year...yes, that's
probably the reason"
- --------------------------
From: c_burns@icrf.icnet.uk
Man rings up the mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.
"Nobody" comes the reply.
"Good" says the Man "I must have escaped"
- --------------------------
From: Jon.Etkins@f555.n635.z3.fidonet.org (Jon Etkins)
Q) What did the engineering student say to the arts student?
A) "I'll have a Big Mac, Coke and fries."
Q) What did the arts student say to his tutor?
A) "Waiting on 1 Big Mac!"
- ----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
Keijo V{h{hyypp{ <keijovh@mdata.fi>
- --------------------------
From: ESETIAWAN@KUHUB.CC.UKANS.EDU (EKO SETIAWAN - DUDE!)
I was in the subway today when I felt a hand in my pocket. I turned
to the owner of the hand and asked, "What are you doing?" He said,
"Looking for a match." I asked, "Why didn't you ask for one?" He
said, "I don't talk to strangers."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding. The man insisted he was
not speeding. "Just ask my wife," he said. The policeman looks at
his wife and asked, "Was he speeding?" The wife replied, "No, but
I never disagree with him when he's been drinking."
- --------------------------
>From: butina@netsun.mdc.com (Tony Butina)
The story I heard about Einstein that I like is:
One day a reporter asked Einstein if he knew Ohms Law. Einstein replied
that he didn't. The report went on about how could it be that the famous
Dr. Einstein did not know one of the basic laws of electricity. To which
Einstein replied: I may not what it is, but I know were the book is that
contains it.
- --------------------------
>From: reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
A teacher in Chicago public schools was out for two months with a broken
ankle. On the day that she returned to work, she wore 3-inch spike heels.
Someone remarked with surprise to see her wearing heels so soon.
"My doctor told me to," she said.
"What do you mean?"
"He told me to keep my foot elevated."
[No, she was not blonde.]
- --------------------------
> From: cam@castle.ed.ac.uk (Chris Malcolm)
Working late one evening the office phone rang. We didn't answer. It
kept ringing. My colleague signed to me to pick up my extension and
listen while he picked up his (same line). We picked them up together
and he said
"Look, will you please stop ringing this phone, there's nobody here!"
"Oh. I'm terribly sorry, I thought someone might be working late,"
said the caller, and put the phone down.
- --------------------------
> From: cs884@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Steven Lam)
Since we're talking about Super-morons encountered over the phone, here's
one that actually happened (TRUE)! Names have been changed to protect
the FOOL!
Customer: Where can I get a BIOS upgrade for by 286 computer?
Tech: The unit should have been shipped with the latest bios.
Customer: Well I upgraded the processor myself, and my computer
doesn't seem to work.
Tech: What did you upgrade the processor to?
Customer: I upgraded it to a 486DX-50.
Tech: Sir... The 286 chip is soldered on the motherboard!
Customer: I know, I took out my handy soldering iron and took it out and
put the 486 on myself.
Tech: Sir, the 486 is bigger than the 286.
Customer: I know, I had to use quite a bit of solder to solder the
extra pins together.
Tech: Sir I have to put you on hold for a second.
the Tech laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair.
- ----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
James R Davidson:Wbst128
- --------------------------
From: neil@Smallworld.co.uk (Neil Pawson)
There are four kinds of people - those who talk about things and do things,
those who say nothing but do things, those who say nothing and do nothing
and those who talk about doing things but do nothing.
[There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide all people into two kinds, and those who do not.]
- --------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
When he was a kid, comedian Jerry Seinfeld says, any time he'd ask his
mother to buy him something, she'd reply, "What do I look like? A bank?"
He ruminates, "If you think about it, when you're ten, your parents *are*
the bank. That's the only place you can get money when you're ten. If
I'm ten years old, can I walk into Chase Manhattan? The teller's just
going to say, `What do I look like-- your mother?'"
- --------------------------
True story: My brother-in-law was talking with some German students on
a train who were making fun of the geographic knowledge of Americans.
One of them said "I'll bet most Americans don't even know there are 48
states in the United States."
- --------------------------
From: chris@siemens-can.com (Christian v. Normann)
Seen in a cartoon:
At a car rental counter in Florida: "What kind of car would you like? Compact,
mid-size, full-size or armoured?"
- --------------------------
I used to work for an Australian company. They loved to bash Americans.
One day several Ozzies and I were engaged in a "frank and open discussion
of the issues" when one of them told the old saw:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.
Two languages? Bilingual.
One language? American.
After their guffawing died down, I asked each of them how many languages they
spoke. All initially claimed two, although when pressed, they were each
unable to speak the non-English language (or English very well, for that
matter ;-) ).
- ----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
- --------------------------
From: bk@hopper.ACS.Virginia.EDU (Brian Knatz)
While we're picking nits: it wasn't Groucho's friend who was
Jewish, but Groucho himself. Groucho's SON was only half jewish.
So Groucho was told that he himself wasn't allowed into the club's
pool, to which he replied "My son's only half jewish -- can he go
in upto his waist?"
- --------------------------
From: anil@cessna (Anil V. Narwani)
Another incident I remember froma a few years ago when I worked at
the computer center of the University: a student came in a complained
that she saved a file (Mac) earlier that day, but now she can't find it.
Computer assistant: And which Mac did you use earlier when you saved
it?
Student: Oh, this same one.
Computer assistant: Perhaps it's on the harddrive...
Student: No, some other assistant saved it on my disk for
me.
Computer assistant: (Looks for disk icon, looks in drive, can't find
the disk) Where's the disk?
Student: In my bag...
- --------------------------
From: ed@bcvms.bc.edu (Edmund C. Greene)
And one I was not involved in but heard. Someone wanted to use a PC that had
a high density 5.25" drive but all they had were double density, so she
stapled two double density disks together then wondered why they wouldn't fit
in the drive.
- --------------------------
From: rdictus@vnet3.vub.ac.be (Roy Dictus)
2) Man comes in, in a panic. He had typed a document the day before, and
now it was all gone. "Have you saved it properly?" was of course my first
question. Yes, he said, it was saved properly. But all the text had
mysteriously disappeared.
On his disk, I found a completely empty document. Indeed it was saved,
apparently, and indeed it did not contain text.
Of course, he had saved the document right BEFORE he started typing. When
it was finished, he took out his disk and shut down the computer. And now
all that text was gone, even though he had SAVED!!! .......
To top it all off, he got mad at ME when I told him the only thing he could
do was retype the whole thing.
- --------------------------
From: rpeterson@cc.weber.edu (Ron Peterson)
Most people think that Stephen, the first Christian martyr after Christ,
was killed by stoning, but actually he was run over by a Honda automobile.
Act 7:57 says they "ran upon him with one Accord."
- --------------------------
From: plobel@kean.ucs.mun.ca
A powerful person in England was constantly pressuring Disraeli for a
Baroncy (to be made a Baron). Finally, Disraeli told him "Sir, I simply
cannot give you a Baroncy. However, if you would like to say that I offered
you a Baroncy and you refused it, that is OK"
- --------------------------
From: $johannesonp@news.brandonu.ca
"Relax boys, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--"
(last words of some general (I think it was Sedgwick) at the
battle of Spotsylvania)
- --------------------------
From: nacokar@acs.ucalgary.ca (Nadeem Ahmed Cokar)
I was walking down the street when I saw an actor carrying a
cigar box. I told him that he must be doing relly well to be
carrying a cigar box, and asked if everything was going great.
He replied, "No, I'm moving"
- --------------------------
From: barry@temss2 (Barry Hollander)
On my previous job a user needed a program but didn't have a modem, so
I told him I'd overnight him a diskette. He then asked me if i could
*fax* the diskette to him! If I didn't need my job I would have told
him I would, but dominos was faxing me a pizza and he'd have to
wait a bit. :)
------- End of Forwarded Message
