[1449] in Humor
HUMOR: Nietzche tech support
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed May 22 12:23:51 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc: ashein@boston.sgi.com
Date: Wed, 22 May 1996 11:41:26 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 22 May 1996 00:11:16 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: Mike Beyries <mbeyries@netmanage.com>
< forwards now being programmed to accept sensitivity training ... >
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Tech Support Nietzsche Style
============================
Guidelines:
----------
When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is
a weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you,
begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips.
And he KNOWS that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the
strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show
him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves.
It is the law of nature that you should do so.
Key Phrases:
-----------
"You aren't very smart, are you?"
"I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
"Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please
desist from using it - you are soiling it."
Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the
user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual
vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form
of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of
evolving to your level.
Key Phrases:
-----------
"Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed
to comprehend."
"You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error
that a Mongoloid programming an abacus would be ashamed of."
"What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent
of failing to empty your colostomy bag."
Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the
compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior
to anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still far beyond his
limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize.
Key Phrases:
-----------
"The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike
comprehension."
"That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3.8.
You are familiar with that section, I assume..."
"Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been corrupted
by long exposure to users of your caliber."
And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him,
or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against
the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and
not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against nature,
and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is not
possible.
