[1406] in Humor
HUMOR: An Ode to Emo
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (clineja@MIT.EDU)
Wed Apr 24 19:44:48 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 1996 19:29:23 EDT
From: Q <clineja@MIT.EDU>
------- Forwarded Message
From: tirade@alpha.pulsar.net (b. thomas romeo)
Subject: An Ode to Emo
Emo Quotes
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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in
a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. -- Emo Phillips
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A
truck!" -- Emo Phillips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm
going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He
said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the
corners very well." -- Emo Phillips
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved
one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips
I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo
Phillips
I'm a great lover, I'll bet. -- Emo Phillips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
-- Emo Phillips
People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. -- Emo
Phillips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather
straps. -- Emo Phillips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. --
Emo Phillips
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it
fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a
bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what
else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their
careers...damn anthropologists. -- Emo Phillips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool,
trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. --
Emo Phillips
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
-- Emo Phillips
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.
When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the
punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't
know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children
jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know
I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I
said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips
I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live
for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or
atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or
Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or
Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you
Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are
you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said,
"Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist
Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said,
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church
of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
-- Emo Phillips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and
charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the
antidote. -- Emo Phillips
I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other
day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before
he got too far. -- Emo Phillips
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been
paying for things lately, that should more than make up the
difference." -- Emo Phillips
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for
five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. -- Emo Phillips
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. -- Emo
Phillips
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just
stole one and asked him to forgive me. --Emo Phillips
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that
moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?" --Emo Phillips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I
don't have an alibi. --Emo Phillips
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because
she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot
off by French soldiers. --Emo Phillips Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at
sex. --Emo Phillips.
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emerkler@darwin.cc.nd.edu
"los campanas juntas siempre estan miranda alle..."
- -gipsy kings
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