[1341] in Humor
HUMOR: Steven Wright classics
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Mar 8 11:51:36 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 08 Mar 1996 11:30:39 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 1996 00:00:18 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: "archerp" <archerp@aisx.com>
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STEVEN WRIGHT:
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask
me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
furious.
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I
never have to go upstairs.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't
going to be out that long."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who
in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the
entire area was missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm
the only one moving.
For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it,
so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all
over the world.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
"Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're
behind the couch."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
an only child . . . eventually.
