[1333] in Humor
HUMOR: News of Note
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Sun Mar 3 13:30:13 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sun, 03 Mar 1996 13:25:47 EST
Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 12:00:05 (PST)
From: Randy Cassingham <arcie@netcom.com>
Dispatched this week to 93 countries AND the National Association for
the Humor Impaired in La Crosse, Wisconsin, it's...
THIS is TRUE for 25 February 1996 Copyright 1996 by Randy Cassingham
- ------------------------------------------------------------------------
FASHION POLICE: Costa Mesa, Calif., police have launched a new tactic in
their war on local prostitutes: when arrested, police impound their
clothes. "There's a certain manner of dress that's designed to
attract attention," a police spokesman explained. When released, the
women are given paper jumpsuits to wear. Officers hope the time it
takes them to change back into street clothes -- and the money it
will cost them -- will slow them down before they can get back on the
street for more soliciting. (AP) ...Maybe, but you'd think it would
be even easier to undress when only wearing paper.
FASHION POLICE II: Henry Holmes was shocked when he went to visit his
six-year-old son at a private kindergarten: he found Gerald wearing a
dress, playing house. "One of those long white silk dresses with
sequins in it," Holmes said. He removed the boy from the Baltimore,
Md., school, and enrolled him in public school. Teachers say the
dress was the boy's choice. (AP) ...It's shocking the things they
teach kids these days! Sequins? Before sundown?
COME IN, IT'S OPEN: When a car belonging to the British Royal Family's
protection squad was stolen, police weren't worried too much about
the car. It was the keys to Windsor Castle they were concerned with.
And the score of security passes. And a policeman's uniform. And the
telephone numbers of all the lines in Buckingham Palace. "It was an
act of extreme stupidity to have left these things in the car," a
police spokesman said. (Reuter) ...With all the goings on with the
family lately, the queen would probably just as soon the locks be
changed anyway.
FLIPPED THE BIRD: Roscoe Crawford of Jonesboro, Ga., came home from
church with his wife to find that a bird had flown into his
daughter's bedroom. He tried to get it out, but the bird "attacked"
him. So he went and got his 9mm pistol and shot the bird dead. But
the bullet didn't stop there. It went through the wall, through the
dining room and into the kitchen, where Crawford's wife Rita was
doing the dishes. It skipped off the top of her head, causing minor
injury, then headed outside. Police did not charge Crawford with any
crime, but granted his request that they take his gun away from him.
(AP) ...Wasn't that more likely Rita's request?
THEIR KIDNEYS SAID IT LOOKED FAMILIAR: The first World Conference on
Auto-Urine Therapy was held in Goa, India, this weekend for 600
delegates from 17 nations exploring the medical benefits of drinking
your own urine. "It gives me and my wife tremendous energy and
stamina," claims the former chief of India's navy. G.K. Thakkar,
president of the event's host, the Water of Life Foundation, said
drinking urine cured him of dysentery and eczema, and made him a
"bold orator". Also, he says, urine is a good cure for tooth and eye
problems. (Reuter) ...What does it do for bad breath?
COP DUSTERS: Police in Walnut Park, Calif., were chasing a car when one
of the occupants started throwing out handfuls of white powder. As
the cops closed in, the volume went up, until a cardboard box full of
powder was tossed overboard. After four blocks, the car was stopped
and the two occupants arrested on investigation of dealing cocaine.
Police and streetsweepers gathered up more than two pounds of the
powder as evidence. (AP) ...I'd never use cocaine, but I have to
admit I'm curious as to what it smells like.
FREE SAMPLE: "Three or four very unusual circumstances" combined at the
offices of Cable TV Arlington (Virginia), resulting in erotic movies
being shown unscrambled on a cable TV channel for several hours.
"There was a computer malfunction," a spokesman explained, adding
that further safeguards were being put in place to prevent the error
from repeating. Complaints? Only 11 of 60,000 customers called the
company about the problem, but they weren't necessarily angry. "Most
just wanted to be sure they wouldn't get charged for it," the
spokesman said. (Reuter) ...Mainly because they had already seen
them.
CLEAR THE AIR: When the Ku Klux Klan burned a cross in Modesto, Calif.,
local police said they couldn't do anything because it was done on
the private property of the Imperial Wizard. But the San Joaquin
Valley Unified Air Pollution Control District says it can do
something: it plans to file court papers asking for a $50,000 fine
from the Klan for polluting the air, plus an injunction against
future cross burnings. "They are doing it as a get-in-our-face kind
of thing," a pollution control attorney said, adding that only
agricultural materials can be burned, not crosses. (AP) ...Is this
really what locals meant when they asked for a stop to the Klan's
"vile emissions"?
IT CAN HAPPEN JUST THAT FAST: "168 Goats Roam L.A. Freeway" -- AP
headline. "168 Goats Killed In Accident" -- AP headline, two minutes
later
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