[1321] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: On Skiing
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Feb 27 09:50:46 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 09:32:10 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 1996 15:24:44 -0700
From: mliberty@techreps.com (Merlyn Liberty)
Subject: Ski humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Skier's Dictionary condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary", Henry
Bread and Roy McKie
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request
for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate
reply: "What's Zermatter?"
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard,
Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis
skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on an
so on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious
injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however. Two
bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling
technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly
lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See
Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-Or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the
ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through the snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy
powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Excercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
* Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs.
* Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and
your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
* Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then,
holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness
from within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The
other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force,
which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces
dead batteries in expensive ski resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or
speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the
same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
* Matter can niether be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a
parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
* When an irresistable force meets an immovable object, an unethical
lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute with a controlled prefall just
beore losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a
prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area in front of the leg that runs from the point where
the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the
strained ankle begins.
"Ski!": A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" which
tells everyone that the hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward,
palms clammy, knuckles white, fingers icy; your eyes crossed and darting in
all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling,
"Why?"
Thor: Thcandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
