[1316] in Humor
CLASSIC HUMOR: Know your sysadmin
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Feb 20 09:48:31 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 1996 09:42:02 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 1996 16:53:17 -0500
From: mabehr@MIT.EDU (Michael Behr)
Subject: Know Your Unix System Administrator-- A Field Guide (fwd)
...
From: mengwong@icg.resnet.upenn.edu (Meng Weng Wong)
_Know Your Unix System Administrator-- A Field Guide_
There are four major species of Unix sysad:
1. The _TECHNICAL THUG_. Usually a systems programmer who has been
forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of
the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
2. The _ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_. Usually a retentive drone (or
rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system
administration.
3. The _MANIAC_. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither
the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer
espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally
approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
4. The _IDIOT_. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL
programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee
of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.
_________________________________________________________________
HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Low disk space. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage,
maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage
via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more
than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the
offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change,
since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or
file it away in triplicate.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk
quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks
accounts that go over quota.
_MANIAC_:
# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
_IDIOT_:
# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes,
maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a
standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes.
Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into
oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight
of the xtrek freaks.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU
quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus
crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
_MANIAC_:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
_IDIOT_:
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: New account creation. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Writes perl script that creates home directory,
copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in
/etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with
passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new
accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the
difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are
ever created.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Puts new account policy in motd. Since
people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the
bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.
_MANIAC_: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own
account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn
sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."
_IDIOT_:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" /etc/passwd
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Root disk fails. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem
from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles microkernel in
and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary boot code into
broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run over the
weekend while he goes mountain climbing.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Begins investigation to determine who broke
the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and
charged for the equipment.
_MANIAC_, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to
smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses
field engineer while they put in a new drive and reinstall the OS.
_MANIAC_, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen hammer
to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses
bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.
_IDIOT_: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Poor network response. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires
entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders,
says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up
Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries
to get xtrek freaks fired.
_MANIAC_: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits
for connections to time out.
_IDIOT_:
# compress -f /dev/en0
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: User questions. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new
users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new
"guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains
queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance, often within
two weeks of receipt of the proper form.
_MANIAC_: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters
knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.
_IDIOT_: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user
realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or
French until user gives up and goes away.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Locks user's account until user can present
documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.
_MANIAC_:
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc
alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc'
^D
_IDIOT_: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user
to system administration team.
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Process accounting management. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts
to sniff out any problems & compute charges.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting
records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.
_MANIAC_: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
_IDIOT_:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: System V. Horrified by the people who use
BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.
_MANIAC_: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run
quickly.
_IDIOT_:
# cd c:
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Weeps.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but
loves the jackboots.
_MANIAC_: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how
much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...
_IDIOT_: AIX.
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Balky printer daemons. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls
customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who
submitted the most recent job fired.
_MANIAC_: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the
print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from
cron.
_IDIOT_:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: OS upgrade. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Reads source code of new release, takes only what he
likes.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for
having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.
_MANIAC_:
# uptime
1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31
# wall
Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that
5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
^D
_IDIOT_:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Balky mail. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail
in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to
implement "better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in assembly. Hacks
kernel to . . .
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts
that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go
back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.
_MANIAC_:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
# wall
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
^D
# write max
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
^D
_IDIOT_:
# echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
_________________________________________________________________
-- SITUATION: Users want phone list application. --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up
and go back to post-it notes.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it
notes.
_MANIAC_: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God
meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go back to
post-it notes.
_IDIOT_:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
_________________________________________________________________
OTHER GUIDELINES:
_________________________________________________________________
-- TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE: --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a
perl script, rewrites itself.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Typical lines include:
umask 777
alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek & /dev/null &'
_MANIAC_: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
_IDIOT_: Typical lines include:
alias dir ls
alias era rm
alias kitty cat
alias process_table ps
setenv DISPLAY vt100
_________________________________________________________________
-- HOBBIES, TECHNICAL: --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes
INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality .
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies
old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to
police band.
_MANIAC_: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits
card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone
conversations. Jams police band.
_IDIOT_: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral
converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.
_________________________________________________________________
-- HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL: --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at
poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up
Birkenstock MOTAS.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein Kampf_.
Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs.
Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up
dominatrixes.
_MANIAC_: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_. Faithfully attends
Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say "virtual
reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black
Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to
pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .
_IDIOT_: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them. Drinks
Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often succeeds,
producting next generation of _IDIOT_s.
_________________________________________________________________
-- 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he
liked Tipper.
_MANIAC_: Frank Zappa.
_IDIOT_: Perot.
_________________________________________________________________
-- 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: --
_TECHNICAL THUG_: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
_ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST_: Nixon - Buchanan.
_MANIAC_: Frank Zappa.
_IDIOT_: Quayle.
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Compound System Administrators:
_TECHNICAL FASCIST_: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to
prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system
resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.
_TECHNICAL_ _MANIAC_: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the
system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses
nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.
_TECHNICAL_ _IDIOT_: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later
do an "rm -rf /".
_FASCISTIC_ _MANIAC_: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether
v real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain
detectors and Halon system.
_FASCISTIC_ _IDIOT_: # cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
_MANIACAL_ _IDIOT_: Napalms the CPU.
