[1310] in Humor
HUMOR: Weird.
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Feb 16 15:15:58 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 16 Feb 1996 14:43:14 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
That's about all I can say...
-Drew
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 15:44:22 EST
From: "Mark A. Herschberg" <hershey@MIT.EDU>
From: Carlton J. Sparrell <carltonj@media.mit.edu>
From silent-tristero-approval@europe.std.com Tue Feb 13 19:09:47 1996
From: "Christopher R. Maden" <crm@ebt.com>
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 1996 15:41:49 GMT
To: silent-tristero@world.std.com
<forwards punching themselves in the genitals>
> I like monkeys.
>
> The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
> that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
> to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
>
> I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive.
> His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were
> really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I
> laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
>
> I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their
> new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the
> couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at
> first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
>
> Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
> they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped
> dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours
> later. Damn cheap monkeys.
>
> I don't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
> my room,on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
> looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
>
> I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got
> stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
>
> I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
> for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to
> smell real bad.
>
> I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
> want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
>
> I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
> Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time
> so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the
> food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
>
> I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I
> had to extinguish the fire.
>
> Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
> monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my
> bed. The odor wasn't improving.
>
> I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to
> use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt
> better.
>
> I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
> was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I
> had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother
> asking about the frozen ones.
>
> I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas
> gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended
> that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
> So, I punched them in the genitals.
>
> I like monkeys.
