[1244] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: Christmas isn't what it used to be...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Dec 11 16:16:24 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 15:51:27 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 14:18:21 EST
From: "Mark A. Herschberg" <hershey@MIT.EDU>
From: Krista Soucy <soucy@cclink.tfn.com>
The Twelve days of Christmas
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1993
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a
pear
tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1993
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two
turtle
doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1993
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I
don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1993
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1993
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings";
one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1993
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back
to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love
your thoughtfulness, but, please stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1993
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven
swans
a swimming". What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over
the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep
at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1993
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over
the
lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1993
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1993
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call
these
sluts "ladies". They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the
cows
can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commissioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
629 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1993
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies???
Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
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Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Canton
303 Knave Street
Boulder, CO
December 26, 1993
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
Frank J. Canton
Attorney at Law
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