[1193] in Humor
HUMOR (long): Misc. Bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Nov 9 11:18:12 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 09 Nov 1995 11:04:34 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 8 Nov 1995 09:20:49 -0800
Date: 27 May 94 12:07:10 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.R
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From the HUMOR mailing list
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: French joke <clean>
A man comes into a cafe, orders a coffee, 75 cents, drinks it and flings 3
quarters on the counter. The waiter, somewhat frosted, picks up the coins.
The next day, the same thing happens. And the next day, same thing. This farce
continues for a month. Then one day, the man comes in, orders his 75-cent
coffee, and pays for it with a dollar bill. The surprised waiter takes the
money, and to reap his revenge on the customer, slings out the change in 25
pennies scattered all over the counter. He's savoring his victory when the
guy pulls out two more quarters and says, "Waiter, one more coffee!"
- ------------------------------
It's an early evening in a dark and smoky downtown bar. Two men are
sitting side by side on barstools, quaffing beer and talking.
"Hey," says the first one, "you're Irish, aren't you? I'd recognize that
accent anywhere!"
"Of course I'm Irish," says the second man.
"Well, saints be praised, so am I!" replies the first. "Let me buy you a
beer."
So Joe the bartender brings each of them another beer. After a bit, the
second man asks the first, "What part of the auld sod is your family
from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"Really? That's where my family is from! My turn to buy YOU a drink." So
the second man calls over the bartender and they toast one another with
their beers and keep talking.
"Where exactly in Dublin are you from?" asks the second man.
"We lived on Killarney Street, on the west side of town," answers the
first.
"I can't believe this!" cries the second man. "I used to live on
Killarney Street, too." He waves at the bartender: "Joe, I want to buy
this man another beer, and pour one for yourself while you're about it."
So, Joe brings over two more beers and pours one for himself. "Wow, says
the first man. "This is really amazing! What was your mother's name?"
"Her name was Mary, may she rest in the arms of our heavenly Father,"
comes the reply.
"What!" Gasps the first man. "My mothers name was also Mary, may she
rest in peace. Joe -- tell everyone in the place that the next round's on
me!"
So, Joe sets up everyone in the place with their next drink.
About this time, another man comes in and sits down at the far end of the
bar and motions for Joe to bring him a whiskey.
"Hiya, Joe," he says, reaching for his wallet. "How're things?"
"Same-old, same-old," Joe answers, polishing a bit of brass with his
apron. "The grill's on the fritz, the wife's sore at me, and -- oh, yeah
-- the Murphy twins are plastered again."
- ------------------------------
From: Jose Alejandro Ceballos <joal@NEXTSRV1UP.GDL.UP.MX>
Two gallegos [insert your favorites here] went to Las Vegas, and one said to
the other:
"Come on Manuel, let's play something!."
"No Venancio, I don't know how to play this games like bakara, BlackJack,
poker, etc."
"Neither do I. But look, there are some coin machines. Give me one coin.
(Venancio takes the coin, insert it to the machine, pulls the trigger and Cuas,
pum, crash, squash -Special effects-...)
"We win Venancio!, We win!. Let me do it!."
(Manuel takes another coin, inserts it to the machine, pulls the trigger and
Cuas, pum, crash, squash -Special effects-....)
"We win again!. Lets do it again."
(They do this over and over again, winning each time, until Venancio said:)
"Manuel, I thing we must stop."
" Why? We are winning all the time.."
"Yes, but what are we gonna do with that lot of Coke's cans?"
And remember: The jokes of gallegos doesn't exist, all of them are anecdotic.
- ------------------------------
From: Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Henry Cate's joke about "draining" the PC reminded me of a practical joke we
played upon our technician of an ICL mainframe. Inspired by HAL 9000 in Space
Odyssey we sent a message to the console (adhering to the formal style of
kernel messages) saying: "SCU failure expected in next 1 hour due to
insufficient greasing". (SCU was a peripheral controller - pure electronic unit
with no moving parts).
The operator called the technician, and he began to study the hardware manuals
to find what's going on. After an hour he came to us saying desperately that
according to the manuals there was nothing to grease - and we burst into
laugh.
- ------------------------------
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for
walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god.
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he
thinks, "Wow, I must be a god."
- ------------------------------
From: Wally Zajac <Wally_T._Zajac.LAX1B@XEROX.COM>
Those of you who live in a different state or country, substitute your favorite
elected official:
California Governor Pete Wilson is visiting a sanitarium. All of the patients
are applauding with the exception of a few people. One of the Governor's
entourage goes up the them and asks: "How come you guys are not applauding?
Don't YOU know who this man is?" "Sure we do. But we're not crazy, we just
work here."
- ------------------------------
From: "Steve, Ext. 2337" <chastain@SWIRL.MONSANTO.COM>
One day a small boy, who was certain he was the greatest human being alive,
decided to become the greatest baseball batter in history. He took his little
bat and ball out to the backyard. He tossed the ball up and swung at it and
missed badly. Frustrated and angry, he picked up the ball and tried it again,
but missed it again with his best home run swing. Very angry now, he tried it
again, while really concentrating, but missed it badly. Suddenly he thought to
himself, "Gee..I must be the world's greatest pitcher!"
- ------------------------------
One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class
enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture. Suddenly, over his head a bright
light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher. She said, "You
are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one
wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."
Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him
with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear
the first words from a man with infinite wisdom. He said, "It would of been
wiser to take the money..."
- ------------------------------
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Two Kiwis (New Zealanders) go over to Australia to study for their degrees at
Bond University. At the graduation ceremony one of the graduates had been
chosen to give a speech. This graduate explained that he was going to use the
name of the university - "BOND" - as the basis for his speech. So he nervously
began by saying "B is for Bravery" and continued on this theme for about 5
minutes. Next he continued with "O is for Outstanding" and spent 12 minutes
explaining to the audience how the university provided an outstanding education
in an outstanding environment with outstanding academics, etc. By the time he
got to "N is for New" the graduate had really warmed to his speech and spent 20
minutes on presentation of new ideas in new ways, etc. As he turned to "D is
for diligent" one Kiwi turned to the other and remarked, "I'm glad we decided
to come to Bond University and not to Queensland Institute of Technology!"
- ------------------------------
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland,
Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random,
they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.
- ------------------------------
From: Shyam Bhatia <BHATIA@VAXA.CIS.UWOSH.EDU>
John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the
salesperson about the dog's pedigree. She said the dog came from a very long
line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs.
Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch. John
was delighted and said,"Is this dog smart and intelligent?"
"Oh, yes," she said, "this dog is so smart that within a week it would teach
your entire family to talk in its language." John was impressed and asked if
the dog was faithful. The salesperson replied,"I have sold this dog five times
and it has always come back."
- ------------------------------
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
In a newspaper it was reported that a company in Japan has started a rail tour
for Japanese women. This tour has an unusual theme as it centers around the
hijacking of the train by a team of 'terrorists'! Apparently the terrorists
will subject these female tourists to all of the usual 'terror' associated with
such events. The company has been overwhelmed by enquiries and bookings!
- ------------------------------
From: <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Things you wish you'd hear (non-offensive)
From my auto mechanic:
"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire - No charge."
From my son's preschool teacher:
"Everyone misbehaved today, except Michael."
"Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
"I wish we had 20 Michaels."
From a store clerk:
"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with
a pencil and paper."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home
and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund- whichever you prefer."
From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."
From a dentist:
"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."
From a restaurant server:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you
ask, it's Tim."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."
- ------------------------------
From: Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
There was a famous hit in the 30's - Ramona. A sweet melody - a waltz - with
very sentimental lyrics.
It became so popular (at least here in Europe) that the following ad appeared
in a Prague newspaper - job opportunities section: "A clerk wanted for a
perspective company. Requirement: The applicant must not know to sing or
whistle Ramona."
- ------------------------------
From: George Olson <GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
The king sent for his wise men all
To find a rhyme for 'W'
When they had thought for a good long time
But could not think of a single rhyme
"I'm sorry," he said, "to trouble you"
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1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
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