[1178] in Humor
HUMOR: Skiing Terms
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Nov 3 12:07:52 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 03 Nov 1995 12:01:14 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 3 Nov 1995 08:53:45 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: A skier's dictionary
From: jeff.snyder@octel.com (Jeff Snyder)
_______________________________________________________________________________
ALP- One of a number of places to ski in Europe. Also a shouted request
for assistance made by a European skier. An appropriate reply:
"What's Zermatter?"
AVALANCHE- One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: BLIZZARD,
CONTUSION, FRACTURE, FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA, LIFT COLLAPSE.
BINDINGS- Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending
the skis skittering across the slope where they trip over two other
skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be
protected from serious injury.
BONES- Brittle things of which there are 206 in the human body. No need
for dismay however: There are two bones in the middle ear that have
never been broken in a ski accident.
CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING- Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require
the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lineups.
It isn't skiing. See CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER.
CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of
the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis
slipping through the snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys
dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.
EXERCISES- A few simple warm-ups to make sure you've been protected for
the slopes:
1.- Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts, and climb a
flight of stairs.
2.- Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your
skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
3.- Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
GLOVES- Hand coverings designed to be tight enough around the wrist to
restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any
manual dexterity. They should admit moisture from the outside
without permitting any dampness within to escape.
GRAVITY- One of 5 fundamental forces in nature affecting skiers. The
other four are: the strong force which makes bindings jam; the weak
force which makes ankles give way on turns; electromagnetism, which
produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots; and
the last one; that when an irresistable force meets an immovable
object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
PREJUMP- Manoevre in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners may execute a controlled pre-fall just
before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a
prescream and a few pregroans and preobscenities.
SHIN- That bruised area on the front of the leg running from the point
where the ache from the wretched knee ends to that where the searing
pain from the strained ankle begins.
SKI!- A shout made to alert people that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
SKIER- One who pays an arm and a leg for the chance to break them.
SKIS- A pair of long, thin, flexible runners that permit a skier to slide
across the snow and into debt.
THOR- Thcandinavian god of acheth and painth.
TRAVERSE- To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
TREE- The other method.
