[1154] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. Bits (some are pretty good)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Oct 25 09:41:48 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 1995 09:34:33 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 12:09:41 -0700
Date: 25 May 94 17:45:22 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life D.P
The following selections are from two mailing lists run by: art@midnight.com
(Art Mellor)
- ------------------------------------------------------------
From art@midnight.com (Art Mellor)
From: anajam@mit.edu (Adil Najam)
Subject: Instructions for Incredibly Dumb Drivers
Culled from an article on car manuals in Britain's "Country Life" magazine.
Appeared in the Far Eastern Economic Review:
Renault 19: "Doors--Opening From the Outside: Place your hand under the
handle and pull towards you."
Volvo: "To stop the vehicle, release the accelerator pedal and apply the
brakes."
Jaguar XJ-S: "The fuel level gauge indicates the quantity of fuel in the fuel
tank."
Honda CRX: "If you crash, you can be injured."
- ------------------------------
From: Kleanthes Koniaris <kgk@martigny.ai.mit.edu>
From the MacWeek's MacWEEK index BusinessWatch of 24 January 1994:
He may have been displaced by investor Warren Buffett as America's richest
person last year, but Microsoft Corp. CEO Bill Gates' personal worth still
stocks up impressively against the gross national product of most countries.
Country 1991 GNP
- ------- --------
United States 5.6 trillion
Japan 2.3 trillion
United Kingdom 915 billion
Canada 521 billion
Finland 80 billion
BILL GATES 6.6 billion
Ethiopia 6.6 billion
Uganda 5.6 billion
Bolivia 4.8 billion
Albania 4 billion
Mongolia 2.1 billion
Cambodia 930 million
- ------------------------------
From: babcock@Cayman.COM (Bill Babcock)
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- ------------------------------
From: "Huntley Steve" <steve_huntley@msmail.wes.mot.com>
I got this response from a coworker whom I shared the customer support horror
stories article with:
Steve,
As somebody who was at one time engaged in the business of putting computers
into fuel oil dealerships and other small businesses (this in the late '70s), I
am never amazed by these stories. We had more than one customer try talking to
their machine. "But the computers on 'Star Trek' talk!"
- -en
- ------------------------------
From: pmellor (Peter Mellor)
[from today's Boston Globe]
FOR NORWAY ROBBER, A CANING
Associated Press
OSLO- When 80-year-old Harry Olsen limped into an Oslo bank and saw customers
cowering on the floor, he headed straight for an armed robber at a counter
collecting cash.
The partly disabled Olsen raised his cane an walloped the gunman so hard on the
neck that the bandit dropped his pistol, newspapers reported yesterday.
"The neck is a weak point," Olsen was quoted in the Oslo newspaper
Arbeiderbladet. "The gunman was really dazed by the blow."
The robber, in his early 20s, recovered enough to throw a small sign at Olsen,
slightly injuring his ear. But three other customers overpowered the suspect
and held him until police arrived.
"That was very well done for man of his age," Jan Lokke of the Oslo police,
said about Monday's incident.
It was nothing, Olsen said. "I'm a tough guy."
- ------------------------------
From: Bill Babcock <babcock@Cayman.COM>
``I've made some weird arrests in my time, but this even beats the woman
shoplifting with a rabid donkey for protection last month,'' Sergeant Paulo
Quadros of the Belo Ilorizonte police force told reporters.
``This time, it took twelve of us, including eight firemen, and we had to take
a dozen floor boards into custody as well.''
Sergeant Quadros was answering questions about the arrest of Sergio De Sa, on
charges of aggravated theft. ``De Sa is a glue sniffer, who steals from shops
to feed his habit. On Saturday night he broke into the Gola Gola glue factory,
but he lost control when saw the really good stuff and started inhaling
directly from the vats. Of cause, he was overcome by fumes after one sniff and
lost his balance, upsetting a vat of glue as he fell. By the time he came
round, he was stuck to the floor and had to lie there helplessly until the
workers turned up on Monday morning. They couldn't shift him and in the end, we
had to get a powersaw and cut round him. The factory owner lost a days
production and he lost the skin off his back.''
- ------------------------------
From: dan@cayman.com (Dan Colby)
My brother's comment on my new .sig file (below):
"Oh, and by the way, the last time I tied a knot in my headphone wires I had to
untie it again to release the sound trapped on the far side."
- ------------------------------
From: Flint Waters <Flint.Waters@uwyo.edu>
We just finished a pretty strange case.
A woman came in a reported that her estranged husband was stalking her. The
officer that took the call started an investigation for the alleged stalking
and contacted our County Attorney, (DA to most folks).
While investigating the matter the suspects lawyer turned over email from the
wife to the husband soliciting contact. It started to look like a normal
domestic situation where the complaint matches the mood.
Sgt Banks brought me the email so I could verify it and move on to other
things. As I started looking into it things got strange. One of our campus
systems is an Alpha running VMS and we have a special NEWUSER procedure which
allows staff to create their own accounts, providing they know all of the
important information about themselves.
As I investigated the accounts I found that the suspect and victims account
were created within a few minutes of each other. I placed a trap on the logins
to both accounts and soon learned that every access to her account was
immediately preceded or followed by an access to his account and from the same
computer.
Over the next several months I tracked the access to both accounts and watched
as the suspect turned over more and more email from his wife. This guy was
pretty creative in that he wrote long letters to himself and even changed his
writing style to mimic hers.
We had a pretty solid interference case for the false evidence he was creating
but it was only a misdemeanor. We really wanted to put together a felony due
to some other crimes the suspect had committed, which were pending
prosecution.
Finally, the wife decided to take a computer course on campus. The first day
of class the students were told to create accounts on the campus computer
system. Our victim went to the computer lab and followed all of the
appropriate steps only to find she couldn't create an account because her
authorization had been used already. Confused she went to her assigned User
Consultant and complained that she was denied access.
The consultant, not knowing about my investigation, disusered the fraudulent
account and helped the victim get a new one.
The gig was up since I was certain the suspect would realize we were watching
him now. Fortunately, denial of computer service is a felony in Wyoming. We
then pursued the arrest warrant. Several days later our suspect was arrested
at his office on campus. When arrested he asked if he could call his
attorney. When we said yes, he led us down the hall to a locked computer lab.
He entered the code on the door and walked to the phone which sat two feet from
the very computer that had been used to generate many of the fraudulent
messages.
By now our case was pretty solid. The suspect was charged with Computer
Crimes: Crimes Against Computer Users which carried a three year felony term,
ten years if intent to commit fraud is proven.
Kinda heavy but pretty funny when you face the guy and he lies through his
teeth. He thought he was dealing with a couple of Barney Fife's and he
treated us like we were stupid. Obviously we didn't know what we were talking
about and he had received all of the mail from his wife. We booked him and
went back to work.
As it turned out, the joke was on us. On the day of the preliminary hearing
the suspects lawyer arrived with a sworn affidavit from the wife. She decided
that she had not been stalked and that her husband had not denied her of any
computer service. It appears a reconciliation is in the works.
Naturally we decided not to pursue prosecution with a hostile victim and our
case was dropped. Really a shame considering the hours we had invested. The
suspect has some federal time hanging over him on some other crimes but I
really would have liked to see him lie on the stand about his computer feats.
Oh well. I never thought I'd have a computer-domestic disturbance.
- ------------------------------
From: WCVB@aol.com
Thanks for your interest in NewsCenter 5. Here's the longevity "quiz" we
broadcast:
A FUN QUIZ TO HELP YOU CALCULATE "HOW LONG YOU WILL LIVE"
ADVISORY: This information was developed in conjunction with the National
Institute on Aging, the Harvard Medical School's Gerontology Department, the
Tufts/USDA Center on Aging, the aging project at Methodist Hospital in
Indianapolis, and the John Hancock Life Insurance Company. But all the experts
and scientists we spoke with said there remains a degree of uncertainty in the
information they gave us.
In addition, there are factors that bear on longevity not included in our quiz,
because we could not quantify their impacts: wearing seat belts, exposure to
the sun, drug abuse, exposure to HIV.
So our information should serve only as a reference to SOME of the factors that
MAY affect how long you live. It is NOT a predictor of your life expectancy.
- Start with the number 76. If you're a white male, subtract 3. If you're a
white female, add 3. If you're a black male, subtract 10. If you're a black
female, subtract 2.
- If you have a grandparent who lived to age 85, add 2. If ALL grandparents
reached age 80, add 6.
- If either parent died of a heart attack before age 50, subtract 4.
- If any parent or sibling under 50 has or had cancer or a heart condition or
juvenile diabetes, subtract 3.
- If you exercise strenuously at least thirty minutes five times a week, add
4. If you do two or three workouts a week, add 2.
- If you smoke two packs or more a day, subtract 8.
One to two packs, subtract 6. Half a pack, subtract 1.
- If you're overweight by 50 pounds or more, subtract 8.
30-50 pounds, subtract 4. 20-30 pounds, subtract 2.
- High blood pressure, according to your doctor? subtract 3.
- Do you drink heavily? subtract 1.
- Have you gotten a speeding ticket in the last year? subtract 1.
- Do you sleep less than 5 hours or more than 10 hours a night? subtract 4.
- If you live in an urban area, subtract 2. If you live in a small town or
small suburb, add 2.
- If you work up a sweat on the job, add 3. If you work at a desk, subtract
3.
- If you're over 65 and still working, add 3.
- If you finished college, add 1. If you have a graduate or professional
degree, add another 1.
- But if all that education has you earning more than $50,000/year, subtract
2, because of the stress that goes with the job.
- Do you think of yourself as basically happy? add 1.
Unhappy? subtract 2.
- Are you intense, aggressive, easily angered? subtract 3.
Are you easy going, laid back, relaxed? add 3.
- If you live with a spouse or a friend, add 5. If not, subtract 1 point for
every decade you've lived alone since your mid 30's.
- If you're between 30 and 40 years old, add 2.
If you're 40-50, add 3. 50-70, add 4.
If you're over 70, add 5. And keep doing whatever you're doing!
- ------------------------------
From: cwc@pseserv2.magec.com (Chris Carter)
Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football
Picks'.
The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL:
Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not out
spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution- mongering
crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid- chomping
overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of
imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is Right.
Our General Principles:
1. Any animal is better than any human.
2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.
4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of crimes
against the Earth.
5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.
Some Special Cases:
1. Dolphins are the ultimate.
2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst.
And so, the Rankings:
1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs
- ------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
- --
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* To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send
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