[1152] in Humor
HUMOR (twisted): Judging Physicists
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Oct 24 23:06:52 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 23:01:17 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 23:55:02 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: Stephen Perlmutter <seadog@displaytech.com>
- -----------------------------------------------------
Einstein, Heisenberg, and Tipler, after equal invariant intervals in
purgatory, find themselves before the Throne of God.
As a man, they exclaim, "What did I do to merit an eternity down
(brrrrr) *there*"?
God thought for a moment; when you're omnipresent in spacetime there's
no need for haste. He turned first to Einstein.
"Albert," he said, "you showed your species My creation in its most
elegant form, law without Law. Then, inflamed by wartime passion, you
urged the transformation of your discovery into a weapon of mass
destruction."
Einstein shuffled his feet and nodded subtly. He resisted the
temptation to stick his tongue out. God turned His omniscient Eyes
toward Heisenberg.
"Werner, you discovered that I *do* play dice, and you glimpsed that I
*have to* if anything interesting's going to happen--your last words
were, `I will ask him why there is turbulence'. I will answer you,
`So there can be Heisenberg'. But you *stayed in Germany* Werner!
You worked on a reactor for Hitler; you taught physics to
brown-shirted Nazi thugs. You'll recall that my Son is Jewish."
"Frank, Frank, Frank," God continued, "didn't you read my book? I
read yours, you know. Does the phrase `Thou shalt have no other gods
before me' ring a bell? How about `I am the Alpha and the Omega, the
beginning and the ending'? You not only wanted to have another God
before Me, you wanted to *be* Him. And the money, Frank...do you know
how piddling an advance I got for the Bible?. And you assumed
causality--*you* Frank! You should know me better than that."
Tipler, almost defiant, raised his head and fixed God with a cold
stare. "Why are there singularities in Your universe?"
"Because there are things I don't want you to know," God responded
calmly.
Heisenberg, his dying question answered, remained silent, pondering
the choices he'd made during his life on Earth.
Einstein seized the moment, "Look, God", he said, "physics is local.
You made it that way; I figured it out. But *why* is there that spooky
action-at-a-distance nonlocality in quantum mechanics?"
God chuckled. Even experiencing all of spacetime at once, such events
were rare. "Albert, your greatest talent has always been not finding
the right answer--anybody could do that--but asking the right
question. Your generation learned physics assuming I was a great
watchmaker. Your generation destroyed that notion, but most of you
died off before it became evident what I was. I create abstract
systems from pure information, Albert. I'm a *programmer*.
"Quantum nonlocality is a bug."
God turned to Saint Peter. "Einstein and Heisenberg go to Heaven.
Send Tipler to the massive rotating cylinder to try again. Next
case."
God hated these Judgement Days; he couldn't wait (to the extent that's
possible for an omnipresent being) to get to back to his craps game
with Wotan, Jove, and Shiva. Saint Peter looked up from his infinite
scroll, "Fourth Commandment: blasphemy--eternal damnation. Send in
Lederman and Hawking".
What *was it* about these physicists, God wondered, as they approached
the Throne.
