[1106] in Humor
HUMOR: From the UK
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Oct 2 15:05:34 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 02 Oct 1995 15:00:28 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 13:16:06 -0400 (EDT)
From: Steve Berczuk <berczuk@space.mit.edu>
Subject: FWD The Baby picture (fwd)
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 09:25:56 -0400
From: Harold Boll <boll@keps.com>
>From CTOPHER@aol.com Tue Sep 26 23:59:39 1995
Date: 9/19/95 10:18 AM
If you like British humor -
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of
a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the
couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government
man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby
photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come
to..."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree
this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the
bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to
really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked
for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I
aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at
ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in
five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
They turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right.
I've never worked under such impossible conditions.
People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got
so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm
afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her.
By that time darkness was approaching and I began to
rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on
my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh..,
equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider
my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my
patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this
one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while
I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's
fainted!
