[1097] in Humor
HUMOR (long): Life D.L.
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Sep 27 21:45:14 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 21:41:59 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 22:24:03 -0700
This is what was suppose to have gone out this morning.
I apologize for any confusion.
Date: 12 May 94 15:18:03 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.L
The following are from a humor mailing list run by: ckleinja@novell.com
(Connie Kleinjans)
- ------------------------------------------------------------
Selections from Connie Kleinjans
From: "Marc Kenig" <marc_kenig@blyth.com>
This is a follow-up to the MilSpecs item from a couple of weeks ago:
Reply to: RE>HUMOR: How MilSpecs live Reminds me of my other
favorite:
Why are computer terminals 80 characters high by 24 characters wide? (Or 132
characters wide sometimes).
Well you might ask: Computer screens are 80 characters wide because standard
punched cards (old IBM form 5081) accepted 80 punched columns across. Why you
might ask? Because that's how big 19th century tabulating machine cards were.
And that's how many holes Herman Holerith could punch in the card before it
fell apart. For the 1890 census, yes.
But why didn't Herman use a bigger card? Because tabulating machine cards were
the same size as a dollar bill of the late 19th century. Why you may ask?
Because they needed to stack the computer cards someplace before they were
processed. Bingo! Banks had lots of wooden boxes for stacking bills, and IBM
used them.
Why were bills that size in the late 19th century......And on and on. The 24
rows is trickier. It has to do with how expensive computer memory was in the
1970's. You see, 24 times 80 is 1920. That means that a 2K memory (a big deal
less than 20 years ago) was needed to remember what characters were where on
the screen. Now, you might point out that 25 times 80 is less than 2K. You're
right, but in order for the terminal to scroll, you have to be able to store
one extra, unviewed line of text.
- ------------------------------
From: schroeder@INS.COM (Scott Schroeder)
Various Emo Phillips-isms from Don Geddis at Stanford, via World Wide Web:
- -cott
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather
straps.
- -- Emo Phillips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- -- Emo Phillips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn
anthropologists.
- -- Emo Phillips
- ------------------------------
From: Scott Johnson <srj@cisco.com>
Subject: Unbelievable true story
Keystone Robbers
This is a true story, and is happening as we speak; the names have been changed
to protect the innocent and stupid, who are not the same people...
Seems that a friend's brother had his car stolen a few weeks ago, from in front
of their house. Turns out the thief lives a few miles away near the friend's
cousin's house. His cousin was walking to work this morning, spotted the car
in the thief's driveway, and called the cops.
The car was recovered, in better shape than when it was stolen ... it had a
new set of tires, and some work done on the engine !! The thief also left a
big box of keys and burglary tools in the car, which the cops recovered, as
well as a set of fingerprints from the car.
So I guess the moral of the story is to at least put stolen cars in the
garage...
- ------------------------------
From: hjerney@hudsonbay.SJF.novell.com (Helena Jerney)
Forwarded Message
Subject: Cat Seeks Job: Resume Included - rec.pets.cats #44429
In article hattie@netcom.com (Susan Hattie Steinsapir) writes:
Ernie, Esq.
Sacramento, CA 95816
Career Goal
Long term position as HOUSECAT.
Qualifications
* Omnivorous. Strong rodent-control capabilities.
* Excellent nonverbal communication skills. Highly trained purring.
* Affectionate. Adaptable. Rare feline willingness to follow
established guidelines.
* Proven stud potential.
Experience
BARNCAT Westchester Estates, New York. March 1988-May 1990
* Ensured day-to-day rodent control for two story, 35,000 sq.
foot barn.
* Consumed over five rodents per day (average).
* Achieved 37% reduction in barn swallow population.
* Awarded feline leukemia inoculation after one month of service.
* Earned in-house privileges for outstanding service and
behavior after only two months on the job!
ALLEYCAT Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, California. November 1986-February
1988
* Successfully maintained territorial boundaries of four
square block area in notoriously competitive and dangerous
location.
* Developed proficiency in urban survival, hunting, and
scavenging skills.
* Honored by co-cats for consistent expertise in maneuvering
safely and adroitly through heavy traffic of skateboards,
cars, and rollerskates.
* Known sire of 77 litters in a nine month period.
Education
Certificate: Feline Deportment, February, 1987.
* Tom & Jerry, Associates, Hollywood, California. 1 year
intensive study with Tom of famed "Tom & Jerry" partnership.
High honors.
References available on request.
- ------------------------------
F 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 3333
O 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9
3
R 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 333
M 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9
3
11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 3333
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the year January 1 - December 31, 1993 or whenever you get around to it.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch | []cuffs
print,| | | | []yes []no |
[]nocuffs
type
|-------------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hiero-| guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above))
glyph-|
ics
|-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(no | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41?
[]yes
Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________ []no
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu- Yours _________ | Social Security Number
| | []no | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse
_|_|_
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if
you
Presidential >> $3 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked
yes
Election >>> worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will
come
Campaign >> What about the little lady? []metoo | []yes | and steal
all
> The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your
hubcaps.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Requested > A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no
by >> B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes
the >>> C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe?
[]perhaps
Department
>>>>----------------------------------------------------------------
of >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated | If no file
IRS
Agriculture >> of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately? | tire
rotation
> []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat | Schedule L
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly | for IRS use
Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X
(even if spouse is married separately) | ---|---|---
6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X |
(but filing double jointed) | ---|---|---
7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O
(if unmarried but jointly single)
|-------------
8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
9 [] Widow(er) with separate dependent filing out of joint return
singly
10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
(attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of
ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked >
___
[] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead |
c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of
You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered >
___
are d Just first names dummy. |
here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of
| e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes
___
| Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing
v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here >
___
* 11 a Total Confusion
(add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) -------->
---
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| |
|
your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . .
|12|_____|_|
13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| |
|
Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . .
|13|_____|_|
attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . .
|14|_____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| |
|
(small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| |
|
unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
|15|_____|_|
bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| |
|
here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . .
|16|_____|_|
|
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------
|___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| |
|
this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
|17|_____|_|
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . .
|18|_____|_|
19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . .
|19|_____|_|
20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . .
|20|_____|_|
21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##| |
|
[] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed.
|21|_____|_|
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
|23|_____|_|
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| |
|
You re-figure your taxes. |##| |
|
Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
|26|_____|_|
27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
|27|_____|_|
28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
|28|_____|_|
29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . .
|29|_____|_|
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please > Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return
and
Sign >> accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus
some.
Here > Signature ___________________________ date ___________ check here
[]
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
- ------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
- --
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
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