[1072] in Humor
HUMOR (long): Misc. Weird News
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Sep 19 17:24:50 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 17:17:41 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 12:38:31 -0700
Date: 12 May 94 15:11:48 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.K
The following are selections from WhiteBoard News, to join, send mail to:
joeha@microsoft.com (Joseph Harper)
- ------------------------------------------------------------
From WhiteBoard News
- ------------------------------
Brazilian police are hunting a thief who invited a busload of passengers to
toast his birthday with drinks laced with drugs before robbing them as they
slept.
- ------------------------------
A burglar's sweet tooth may have been his undoing. Colorado Springs police
followed a trail of M & M bags to a tavern and arrested a suspect as he
devoured the evidence.
- ------------------------------
A Detroit, Michigan, desk clerk told police a hotel resident "produced a
weapon," gave him a holdup note, scooped about $125 from the till and fled.
The weapon he left behind was a submarine sandwich wrapped in a towel.
- ------------------------------
Indiana state police took an hour to find a train crew that had stopped its
train to eat lunch near a crossing causing the traffic arms to descend and
block a road.
- ------------------------------
An Australian schoolboy who sued his former headmaster for defamation for
telling his mother he was naughty lost his court case.
- ------------------------------
A box looked suspicious. The police dog went nuts. Philadelphia Airport
officials called the bomb squad, closed a major road and shut down a train
line. The contents? Cooked crawfish.
- ------------------------------
Florida firefighters searching for a cat in a burning garage were expecting to
hear a meow. They got something more like a roar. The cat was a 90-pound
puma, which was rescued.
- ------------------------------
A Malaysian Airlines flight from Perth to Kuala Lumpur returned to Australia 90
minutes after takeoff because the heat generated by 190 goats in the aircraft
triggered a fire alarm.
- ------------------------------
An amateur historian in England spent 30 years tracing his family tree, only to
be told he was studying the wrong one because he had been adopted.
- ------------------------------
This item comes from Bruce Cronquist, Seattle, Washington:
Have the bureaucrats changed the calendar without telling us?
Recently spotted on a new car with a temporary permit issued by the
Washington Department of Licensing: Expiration date: "2-31-94."
- ------------------------------
Hyltebruk, Sweden:
A Swedish plantation owner is using a British Broadcasting Corporation
recording of a howling wolf to keep hungry deer and elk off his saplings this
winter.
Hakan Hjelmqvist told reporters from the Goteborgs Posten newspaper that if he
had not used the BBC sound- effects recording, his plantation near the
southwest town of Hyltebruk would have been completely ruined.
A light sensor sets the wolf sounds off at dawn and dusk, the roe deer's
favorite grazing times.
"No deer dare come in here now," Hjelmqvist boasted.
There are estimated to be fewer than 20 wolves in Sweden, mostly in remote and
heavily forested northern parts of the country.
- ------------------------------
Todi, Italy:
You've seen that Visa credit card commercial where a couple of American
tourists unwittingly trade their camera to two kids for a donkey?
Well Newsday reports that the Italian town of Todi does not appreciate the
suggestion that their residents are thieves and have stopped accepting Visa
cards from Americans.
- ------------------------------
Washington, District of Columbia:
Noting that his replacement hip was made in Germany and France, Labor Secretary
Reich quips: "I do not even fulfill the domestic-content requirements for being
a cabinet secretary."
- ------------------------------
London, England:
Wildlife experts studying the migrating habits of salmon equipped with an
electronic tagging device were surprised when the 8-pounder scaled a river bank
and raced across the north Wales countryside.
It landed on a poacher's kitchen table, and was still there with three other
salmon, when police arrived to arrest Paul Williams.
Williams, 19, pleaded guilty to poaching offenses on Friday. He caught the
salmon before the kickoff of the fishing season.
The National Rivers Authority said it was the first time that a poacher had
been caught because he took a fish fitted with an
electronic chip used by trackers.
- ------------------------------
Washington, District of Columbia:
A moving van spotted in the Washington area sports the following motto: "Manly
men moving manly things in a manly way..."
- ------------------------------
Munich, Germany:
The German Bundesbank used to burn as much as 1,000 tons of worn-out mark
banknotes a year, but cooled its ovens because of environmental concerns.
The central bank might turn its growing pile of shredded currency over to
wine growers for use as fertilizer.
- ------------------------------
Worried by complaints that Philippine police officers' arrogance discourages
people from reporting crimes, the Manila force has begun a campaign to win
public trust by awarding a weekly cash prize to the cop with the best smile.
- ------------------------------
Comedian Jay Leno on how to get free income-tax preparation: Go into politics,
get into a "shady land deal, and, believe me, everybody will do your taxes for
you for free...."
- ------------------------------
Seattle marketing consultant Jan Wilder reports on a recent drive-by. She
and two associates were crossing the street in a crosswalk with the light.
They couldn't help noticing a snazzy red Porsche stopped in the middle of
the crosswalk.
Wilder says, "As we walked past the Porsche, the passenger reached out and
handed me a flower, wrapped with a ribbon. Then the car sped off. My first
drive-by flowering. I love this town!"
- ------------------------------
Amsterdam, Netherlands:
A Dutch researcher, after five years of study, discovered the best way to swat
a fly:
The trick, it seems, is to wear red, a difficult color for the insects to
detect (they see green and violet the best). And use a red fly swatter in the
late afternoon when flies are drowsy, as they use 75 percent of their
brainpower for sight.
- ------------------------------
Seattle, Washington:
Ballard Resident Karen West returned home last week and found one of those
large-as-life "For Sale" signs planted in front of her house. Quite a shock.
She had no intentions of selling.
She dashed into the house to call the real-estate company. After enduring a
few phone transfers, she finally reached the listing agent, who apologized for
the mix-up (The house where the sign should have been was three blocks south).
The incident is not without its irony. West is the Seattle Times' real-estate
editor.
- ------------------------------
Cleveland, Ohio:
Currently, pumps that are implanted to assist damaged hearts are designed to
pulsate like heart muscles. But in the future, heart pumps may move blood in a
continuous flow. Patients with a weak pulse, or no pulse at all, will be able
to lead normal lives.
Dr. Leonard Golding of the Cleveland Clinic, one of several institutions
developing non-pulsing heart- assist pumps, says a pulse isn't necessary as
long as blood flow, pressure, and volume are sufficient. If a pump doesn't
have to produce a pulse, he says, its mechanics can be simpler.
The clinic's non-pulsing pump, which is being tested in calves, has only one
moving part: A rotor, containing magnets, spins around a sealed electric coil.
The design avoids any danger of foreign lubricants leaking into the body. Only
blood is needed to lubricate the rotor.
Golding says the pump's simple design should make it more reliable and about
half as expensive as pulsing pumps, which now cost about $50,000. And because
the plum-sized pump is one-fourth as large as a conventional pump, it fits more
easily inside the chest.
Golding hopes to start using the non-pulsing pump in humans in about three
years.
- ------------------------------
Los Angeles, California:
Awash in old money, Fed banks seek new uses for shredded notes:
Facing higher disposal costs as nearby dumps fill up, the Federal Reserve Bank
of Los Angeles looks for firms with novel uses for the 185 tons of bills it
shreds each year.
Terra Roofing Products is testing the shredded bills, called residue, in
roofing shingles made of recycled paper. Gridcore Systems is trying it in
molded fiberboard panels made into stage sets, trade-show displays and such.
Not all Fed banks fell pressure to cut landfill use, but residue volume is
growing about 5% a year, says James Reese of the Federal Reserve Bank of
Richmond. The Fed banks shred about seven billion bills a year, or 7,000 tons.
Cemtech L.P. is close to signing a contract to use Richmond's residue in fuel
pellets, which fire up boilers.
- ------------------------------
New York, New York:
Burpee Seeds has put together a nine-seed package designed for a garden that
will lure insect-eating bats.
- ------------------------------
Atlanta, Georgia:
"To Gary Hill, who I promised to mention in my will, I want to say, 'Hi Gary.'"
Lewis Grizzard, the late newspaper columnist and humorist, to an old college
friend he promised to remember in his will."
- ------------------------------
New York, New York:
Defense-industry humor paints this picture of the future:
Having merged, Northrop and Grumman change their name to "Norman." Then they
buy another big-name aerospace contractor to become "Norman Rockwell."
- ------------------------------
Key West, Florida:
Adrift at sea for 13 days, the three Cuban rafters prayed that someone would
pluck them from the water and take them to Miami. Instead, the refugees wound
up as the rescuers.
Late Tuesday afternoon, the rafters spotted a fisherman in a battered dinghy.
"We thought we were saved," said one of the Cubans yesterday. "When we got to
this man's boat, his engine was broken, he had no radio and he had no food. We
told him to get on our raft because it seemed to us that he'd be better off."
Juan Torna Hernandez, 46, of Miami, was relieved to climb aboard the 12-foot
rubber raft.
"He told us he had been adrift for four days and that he had no way of calling
anyone for help," said the rafting rescuer.
Early Wednesday morning, the four men landed in the Florida Keys, said a U.S.
Coast Guard spokesman.
"We thought Torna Hernandez was a rafter," said the spokesman. "But then he
whipped out his Florida driver's license and his Social Security card."
- ------------------------------
Winston, Oregon:
A 27-year-old woman has been charged with delivering drugs to her baby daughter
by feeding her breast milk containing methamphetamine.
Shelly Monroe was arrested Wednesday after a Douglas County counselor observed
her breast feeding her month-old child. The arrest came just days after
Monroe, who is on probation for burglary and theft convictions, submitted a
urinalysis that turned up positive for methamphetamine.
Monroe has been charged with delivering a controlled substance to a minor and
recklessly endangering a minor
- --her baby.
- ------------------------------
Hollywood, California:
"Did you see that picture of President Clinton at the Charlotte Motor
Speedway? That is the perfect place for him to be driving. You can only go
left, you can go in circles and you end up where you started."
Tonight Show host Jay Leno
- ------------------------------
Washington, District of Columbia:
Planted as decorative shrubbery around numerous government buildings in
Washington, D.C. are American yew trees. The botanical name for the species is
"Taxus taxus."
- ------------------------------
Los Angeles, California:
An eye-popping $2.7 million pregnancy-bias award by a California jury, believed
to be the largest of its kind, has been trimmed by $850,000 after a state court
judge ruled it was based on insufficient evidence.
Lana Ambruster, who was fired by a California insurer while pregnant, unfairly
aroused jurors' sympathy "by constantly weeping and relating every problem she
had in her life to her termination," writes Judge Leonard Sprinkles.
- ------------------------------
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia:
Malaysia's King Azlan Shah stepped down to be succeeded by a fellow sultan
under the system of rotating monarchs.
Nine hereditary sultans take turns as king every five years. Tuanku Jaafar
Tuanku Abdul Rahman will be the next supreme sovereign under the constitutional
monarchy begun in 1957 upon Malaysia's independence from Britain.
- ------------------------------
"I don't think anyone's ever going to accept me in a comedy -- ever, ever,
ever. I'm a commodity. If you go into the store and grab a can of Stallone,
you open it up and see Steve Martin -- you don't want that."
- - Actor Sylvester Stallone.
- ------------------------------
From: Tim Ingram:
Melbourne, Australia:
The rough, tough world of Australian Rules football is agog.
A player was ejected and severely reprimanded for daring to kiss an opponent
flush on the lips.
Russell Prowse, who plays for Cardoss in the Millawa League, thought a fight
was developing during last week's match against Bambill. Instead of trading
blows, he grabbed Scott Cameron of Bambill and kissed him.
Cameron staggered back in amazement and the potential fight evaporated, but
umpire Tony Cox banished Prowse from the field for misconduct.
Australian Rules football combines aspects of Gaelic football, soccer and rugby
and is played only in Australia.
"We felt sorry for Cameron, as Prowse is not an attractive man," Cardoss
president Keith Leach said.
- ------------------------------
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... or puts you on a talk show."
- -Actress and writer Carrie Fisher.
- ------------------------------
Puget Sound, Washington:
You'd hardly think they need more, but the Navy's Fleet and Industrial Supply
Center recently awarded a $71,460 contract for about 25,000 rolls of ... red
tape.
The contract is "a recurring one," FISC's Katie Palmer tells.
The tape comes in three sizes, but the amount purchased is based on "actual
fleet needs." Ah, but there's bureaucratic red tape involved as well -- the
product is on the "required military purchase list," meaning it has to be
bought from a small or disadvantaged business. The contractor is the Cincinnati
Association for the Blind.
- ------------------------------
Arkhangelsk, Russia:
An Aeroflot jet carrying 62 people made an emergency landing in this extremely
northern city Friday after the crew managed to replace missing hydraulic fluid
with lemonade.
There were no injuries reported. But an airline duty officer said the
Tupolev-134 was seriously damaged when it touched down with only part of the
landing gear in place.
Flight 2315 from Moscow to Arkhangelsk Saturday had 55 passengers and seven
crew. As it prepared to land, two of the three sections of landing gear failed
to come down because of a loss of hydraulic fluid.
As the plane circled, the crew "had to pour all the reserves of lemonade into
the hydraulic system" and managed to lower one more section of landing gear.
Valentin Ignatiev, duty officer for Aeroflot, said the plane ran off the runway
and suffered wing damage. He could not confirm that lemonade was used in the
hydraulic system.
- ------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
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as long as the signature file below is included
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- --
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
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