[1052] in Humor
HUMOR(long): European Humor - Culled from eunet.jokes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Sep 13 11:59:23 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995 11:55:32 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 13:11:43 -0700
Date: 12 May 94 15:02:00 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.J
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes
From: peter@essex.ac.uk
Subject: A change Letter?
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From: pl@ssf.pt (Pedro Loureiro)
Well, here in Portugal we usually make jokes about the people from
Alentejo (that is the region that extends from the Tagus - Tejo in
Portuguese - to the Algarve). The jokes are about their stupidity (as all
jokes of this kind are) and their laziness.
Two 'Alentejanos' are walking and having a conversation for quite a while when
suddenly one of them stops, stomps something with his foot and cries "That
blasted snail was following us for 2 hours now!".
- ------------------------------
From: ffs@vega.inesc.pt (Filipe Santos)
Two Alentejanos (the inhabitants of Alentejo) were walking along a road (the
roads of Alentejo are usually straight without any curves or mountains, since
this region is completely plain.), when they decided to rest for a while. One
of them suggested they should lay under a tree at the side of the road, but the
most clever of them insisted on laying right there in the middle of the road,
saying it was the safest place to lay. The other one doubted but agreed to lay
there. They're lying there when another Alentejo, driving his van approached
rapidly, seeing the two men lying on the road in front of him, he pressed the
brake violently, making the van slide and crash into the tree. Says the clever
Alentejano to his mate: "Didn't I tell you it was safer here. If we were under
the tree we were dead by now."
- ------------------------------
From: purban@email.tuwien.ac.at (Peter URBAN)
At a fine restaurant:
When paying the bill the guest astonished looks at the bill, then he tells
the waiter:
"You have to correct the bill. $6.00 for the omelette, that's all right. But
you have to write omelette with two T's".
"Pardon, Sir". The waiter tells. "I'll correct it immediately".
When reading the corrected bill, the guest starts laughing loudly.
The corrected bill runs:
"One omelet with two tea ..................$6.00"
" Hey, you're half an hour too soon at work. Tell me, what's the reason", the
departmental manager asks Tom.
"Well my car's just in repair. So I had to walk!"
The French chansonette Yvette Guilbert (1866-1944) wasn't a beauty either.
But this fact didn't scare her anyhow. Somehow she was a little be proud of
this fact.
During a social evening she met the British poet Oscar Wilde (1854-1900).
Smiling she told him: " I am the ugliest woman of France!"
Kissing her hand Wilde, an Irishman by birth, gallantly replied: "Of the
world, madam, ...of the world!"
- ------------------------------
From: kissg@sztaki.hu (Gabor Kiss)
An excited man at the police station:
Officer! Officer! Somebody dropped this box to my head from the 2nd floor.
What is in it?
Nothing.
I asked what is in the BOX!
- ------------------------------
From: cczjtw@unicorn.nott.ac.uk (John Whitehorn)
Along the lines of a recent number of postings, what follows is taken from an
ICL manual of a dating back a few years, the OS system was GEORGE III, for all
those who remember (ask someone older, very much older).
Etract from GEORGE III Manual:
In general, a WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command will be obeyed if a command error
is detected in a command that follows it at the same level, though it will be
superseded by a subsequent WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command at the same level. A
WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command will also apply to command errors detected at a
lower level, though it will be superseded by a WHENEVER command that is issued
at a lower level. Consider the Example 2/18 on page 33 where there is a macro
SUBSUBJOB issued within the macro SUBJOB. If there is no WHENEVER COMMAND
ERROR command in the macro definition file SUBSUBJOB, the WHENEVER COMMAND
ERROR command in SUBJOB will apply to errors in SUBSUBJOB. If, however, the
macro SUBSUBJOB did contain a WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command this would take
precedence in the event of errors in SUBSUBJOB. In this case when the macro
SUBSUBJOB was completed, the job would return to the level above and the level
above and the lower level would be erased, thus any WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR
commands within SU
I kid you not the above is REAL!
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by an anonymous sifter:
From: anonymous
Two hedgehogs are sitting on the chimney and knitting a motorbike. A flying
submarine passes by. One hedgehog says to the other: "I don't believe it."
- ------------------------------
From: byrdenj@logica.co.uk
A man is at the cinema to see the old classic Gone With The Wind when he
notices that there is a large black dog sitting in front of him. This
surprises him a little but not half as much as when the dog starts laughing
at a funny part in the film. Later on during a sad part the dog begins to
cry and generally reacts to all parts of the film. The guy watching this is
fascinated and decides to follow the dog after the film is over. So as
everyone leaves the cinema he stays close to the dog. After about a quarter
of an hour of the dog finally goes into a house, rings on the doorbell and
is let in. By this stage the guy is totally baffled by all that he has seen
and wanting to find out what the story is rings the doorbell of the house
the dog has just entered. A man answers the door.
"Do you have a large black dog here?" asks our hero.
"Yes", came the reply
"Well I've just seen him down the cinema watching Gone With The Wind and he
was laughing, crying and really getting into the film."
"Hmmm that's very surprising...", said the dog's owner "...he hated the
book".
- ------------------------------
From: stevewi@lsl.co.uk
Q. Why do milking stools only have three legs ???
A. Because the cows have the udders.
- ------------------------------
From: duncan@yc.estec.esa.nl (Duncan Gibson)
One day a rich accountant, a poor accountant and a leprechaun were walking
down the road when they saw a 100 pound note lying on the pavement.
Question: which one of them picked it up?
Answer: The rich accountant of course. Poor accountants and leprechauns are
figments of your imagination!
- ------------------------------
From: anonymous
Some little kids from different countries discuss the question where little
kids come from. The German kid: The stork brings them; the Italian kid: They
come out of the cabbages; the French kid: Well I must not tell you exactly,
but it has something to do with man and woman and bedroom. Then they ask the
Swiss kid, it ponders for a while and says: Well, in our country, this is
handled differently in the different Kantons [states].
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: Thompson Sara L. R.:Wbst205ul
From: anonymous
ObJoke1:
Why are there so many squirrels on university campuses?
They find all kinds of nuts there.
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: Bob Cherry
From: holman@katk.Helsinki.FI (HOLMAN EUGENE)
Subject: Dracula (joke with a punchline in Yiddish)
One night a man is sitting at his organ in the music room of a large, dank
castle in Transylvania playing, a Bach fugue. Suddenly, the door starts to
open, slowly, creakingly. A dark figure, dressed in black, with his cape
covering his face enters the room stealthily. The man playing the organ
nonchalantly reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a silver crucifix, and
holds it high.
"Nikhts kon dir helfen, bubele," says the vampire.
EXPLANATION: Everybody knows that the normal way to fend off an incipient
vampire attack is to hold up a crucifix. This assumes, of course, that the
vampire is a Christian. "Nikhts kon dir helfen, bubele" is YIDDISH for "
Nothing can help you, bub." Our friend had the bad luck to be attacked by a
Jewish vampire...
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: dani@netcom.com (Dani Zweig)
From: d88-rjo@dront.nada.kth.se (Rickard Jonsson)
Subject: Paradigm joke
"Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
"No..."
"Inheritance."
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
From: bobrowski@uke.uni-hamburg.de (Christoph Bobrowski)
When a diplomat says YES, he means PERHAPS;
When a diplomat says PERHAPS, he means NO;
When a diplomat says NO, he isn't a diplomat.
- ------------------------------
From: rehberge@tnds05.tele.nokia.fi (Markku Rehberger)
Subject: Re: Carrots
Q: Three Finnish presidential candidates, Mr. Ahtisaari,
Mr. Vayrynen and Mr. Ilaskivi were sitting in the same
aeroplane. The aeroplane crashed down. Who survived?
A: The Finnish people.
[cate3: I want to know why the subject was carrots.]
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: briang@netcom.com (Brian Gordon)
From: jim.conrad@his.com (Jim Conrad)
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
- ------------------------------
A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.
The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
The physics-students ask: `Why?'
The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
The chemistry-students ask: `By next Monday?'
The accounting-students (scribbling): `By tomorrow?'
The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'
- ------------------------------
From: pkt@rz.uni-jena.de (Thomas Koehler)
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientific does an experiment. He wants to know
how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a
candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognizes that they are
reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great russian scientific
writes in his book: A thermometer falls with the speed of light.
- ------------------------------
From: e_p@unl.edu (edgar pearlstein)
The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality. The
physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. The
mathematician doesn't care.
- ------------------------------
From: linneman@rulcde.LeidenUniv.nl (Stefan Linnemann)
An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Belgian are sitting in a cafe. The
conversation turns to submarines and the Englishman says: "Our submarines are
so good, they can go for a week underwater without the need to resurface.".
The Dutchman, not about to let this go uncommented, says: "Well, _our_
submarines are much better, they can go underwater for a month before they
resurface.". Then the Belgian, no less a patriot, retorts: "That's nothing,
that absolutely nothing. We've launched submarines for years now, and none of
them have resurfaced yet."
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: danieln@sybase.com (Daniel Nitschke)
From: shin@dios.demon.co.uk (Shin Dio)
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: LBennett:El Segundo
From: jimj@contractor.EBay.Sun.COM (Jim Jones) and others
What do you call a scouser with a suit on?
The defendant.
How do you make a scouser-style omelette?
First, steal six eggs...
- ------------------------------
From: clmeier@lili8.uni-bielefeld.de (Clemens Meier)
Air traffic controller to Aer Lingus flight approaching Heathrow "Flight AE327
please state your height and position" Captain AE327 "Well, I'm 5 foot 6 and
I'm up the front"
Redskin Green: Tower, this is Redskin Green, can you give me a rough
timecheck?
Tower: Today it's Tuesday, Sir.
- ------------------------------
There's a ring at Van Vollenhove's door. Pieter opens up the door and finds
himself looking into the eyes of a little man who introduces himself as
piano-tuner. "But I didn't order a piano-tuner," says Pieter. Says the little
man: "I know, but your neighbors did."
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: Leigh_Smith.XSIS@Xerox.com
From: steve@cee.hw.ac.uk (Steve Salvini)
Subject: Unixisms
unix% cigarette?
No match.
- ------------------------------
From: anonymous
% scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D
"Arnold Schwarzenegger": << terminator not found
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% cat 'the can of tuna'
cat: cannot open the can of tuna
$ mkdir matter; cat>matter
matter: cannot create
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
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Sifted out of eunet.jokes by: Kelly Hall <hall@leopard.cs.byu.edu>
From: metzemak@victor (Timo METZEMAKERS [93-94])
Subject: Re: Musical jokes...
Q: You are in a desert, haven't drunk anything for two days and are about to
die of thirst. Suddenly you see two guitarists. One is playing in tune, the
other one not. Which one will you ask for water?
A: The second guitarist of course; the first one is obviously a mirage.
- ------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
- --
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
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15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
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