[1043] in Humor
HUMOR (long): Misc good stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Sep 5 15:59:14 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 1995 15:48:32 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 10:10:02 -0700
Date: 6 May 94 16:29:23 PDT (Friday)Subject: Life D.I
Selections from Keith Bostic's mailing list
bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu
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From: jamesm@dialogic.com (Mark James)
This is going around the company:
Q. What machine does Windows NT run best on?
A. A 35mm slide projector.
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From: ramon@MITL.Research.Panasonic.COM (Ramon Caceres)
Below is a selection of recent newspaper and magazine
headlines, courtesy of the CPSR/Berkeley Newsletter:
Lost on the information highway
(Washington Post, Dec. 16, 1993)
Roadkill on the information highway
(Washington Post, Dec. 6, 1993)
Traffic jams already on the information highway
(New York Times, Nov. 3, 1993)
US West-Time Warner deal could put a pothole in the
information highway (Washington Post, May 21, 1993)
Looking for a road map to the data highway
(Washington Post, April 5, 1993)
Building the on ramp to the electronic highway
(Time, May 31, 1993)
Hitting the brakes on the data highway
(Business Week, Sept. 27, 1993)
I'm afraid we're going to see a lot more of these.
For instance, I think the following are inevitable:
Toll booths coming to the information highway.
Car pool lanes proposed for the information highway
Rubbernecking delays plague the information highway.
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Newswire Item 3/2/94:
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally
hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and dresses them
in clown suits. So far six (6) gorillas have been found wandering around
in this condition.
A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick
sense of humor. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had to
tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!
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From: Donn Seeley <donn@BSDI.COM>
Here's a joke from the desert wastes which has surely been around for a hundred
years (Utah's centennial is coming up in '96 :-).
Q: Do Mormons recognize the separation of Church and State?
A: Yes; it's about two blocks.
If you disremember your geography of Salt Lake City, the tallest edifice in
town is the LDS Church World Headquarters, conveniently located just down State
Street from the State Capitol building...
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John Laroquette, talking to an omniscient angel: Whats the weirdest thing that
causes cancer?
Omniscient angel: Looking at goldfish.
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Forwarded-by: Chris Torek <torek@BSDI.COM>
From an article in the San Francisco Chronicle on errors in Yellow Pages:
... Pacific Bell settled out of court in 1991 with Banner Travel. After
changing its ad to say that the Sonora company specialized in "erotic"
instead of "exotic" travel.
At least they probably got interesting calls.
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From today's Mercury News, in a column by Donald Kaul:
A year-and-a-half ago, at a dinner in honor of Margaret Thatcher, in the course
of his prepared speech [Ronald] Reagan gave Thatcher a lengthy, warm
introduction which stopped the show. The audience gave her a standing ovation
and she got up and bowed graciously. When she sat down again, Reagan proceeded
to read from the top of the same page and gave her the same introduction,
word-for-word, without embarrassment. The audience was forced to stand again
and clap listlessly and she had to take another bow, praying that the Gipper
would turn the page this time. He did.
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From: jcc@uunet.uu.net (Jonathan Cohn)
Subject: Re: Strange DNS names...
This request was sent to the InterNic yesterday...
1. Top-level domain: org
2. Complete Domain Name: clueless.org
3a. Organization name: Bradford Technical Seminars
3b. Organization address: 17703-E Baltimore Avenue, Suite 238
Laurel, MD 20707
Bradford Technical Seminars is a non-profit organization providing introductory
seminars on a cost-recovery basis with topics ranging from computer basics to
internetworking.
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Theologians have been meeting for 15 years to revise the Revised Standard
Version the Bible. The New Revised Standard Version (or NRSV) will be
published in 1990. Among the changes are two that were made to avoid possible
misunderstanding:
Psalm 50:9 is being changed from "I will accept no bull from your house" to "I
will not accept a bull from your house."
2 Corinthians 11:25 is being changed from "Once I was stoned" to "Once I
received a stoning."
Strange but true.
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From: andrew@pixar.com (Andrew Stanton)
Iwai's latest hit is a Japanese television show called Ugo Ugo Lhuga (Go-Go
Girl pronounced backwards - sort of). Ostensibly a children's program, many of
its fans are from the nightclub and art scenes who tune in every day for a dose
of psychedelic cartoon fun. In the show, which incorporates surrealistic Amiga
image files manipulated in real-time, two children travel through virtual
worlds with virtual characters (whose lips are synched to live narrators via
MIDI signals). The soundtrack is also live, with some of Tokyo's hippest "rave"
DJs doing their thing.
Besides its atypical imagery - ....
.... - there are also interactive spots. Take "Voice Sumo" for example. Kids
from all over Japan draw monsters on postcards and send them in. The drawings
are scanned into the computer and put into a cartoon sumo ring, poised for
battle. Kids phone up the show, choose a side, and scream as loud as they can
into the phone. Whoever raises the highest voltage over the phone pushes the
opponent's creature out of the sumo ring. Now that's interactivity.
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Forwarded-by: bert@theory.pppl.gov (John Cuthbertson)
[...] Coubertin International Fair Play Trophy, which is awarded for
conspicuous acts of Sportsmanship. The trophy is awarded by the "Comite
International pour le Fair Play", so named, according to the committee's
general secretary, because...
"there is no expression for this concept in French."
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From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: Why people should use their d*mn shift keys
The following was the subject of a posting in "misc.health.diabetes":
on the chief ends of knowledge, after bacon
I was wondering why the acquisition of bacon was one of the chief ends of
knowledge, until I read the posting and found that she was referring to
*Francis* Bacon.
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You know, sometimes a magazine can change your life, like MAD Magazine, or
Rolling Stone before the cigarette ads, or the Co-Evolution Quarterly, or
Scientific American, or for God's sake, even the New Yorker, but so far, MONDO
2000 and WIRED just make me want to keep mine the way it is...
- -ericl@miles.esd.sgi.com (Eric Linstadt)
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Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From a recent *Road & Track* magazine:
Gentlemen, start your Black & Deckers!
Here's a great way to polish up your racing skills: belt sander racing. After
locking up the on/off switch, competitors simultaneously apply power to their
(stock or modified) belt sanders, sending them skittering (at a scale 600 mph)
toward the "finish line," reports Dan Nell, automotive editor for the Raleigh,
North Carolina *News & Observer*.
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From: little@ragnarok.hks.com (Jim Littlefield)
This is original. After this experience, I wrote it up for a local newsgroup.
I was asked for some clarification, and I posted the follow-up at the bottom:
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready for
church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some of the
'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of the
Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any
women or girls.
'OK'
You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is
usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isn't
all that much difference between men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter than the girls
your age?
'Nope'
And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother
could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you suppose that men are
usually in charge?
'<SHRUG>'
It is because we don't play fair. We cheat. We men have lots of little tricks
that we use to make sure that women don't win. And I am about to tell you one
of the Most Important!
'<EXPECTANT STARE>'
Pockets!
'What!?'
It is true! Long ago, we men managed to convince the women that they would
rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than wear clothing that worked
right. And then we convinced the women that pockets were ugly. So, now, most
women's clothes don't have pockets.
'Naaah'
Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?
<1,2,3,4,5> '5'
How many pockets in your sisters dress?
<...> '0'
How many pockets in my suit?
<1,2,3, .. 13,14> '14!'
How many pockets in your mothers dress?
'0'
If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important things.
Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men get to be in charge
because they can get things done, while the women are still asking to borrow
somebody's keys.
<Kid tries to escape, but I block the door.>
Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that don't work right,
then people will think you are Useless. They might even call you one of those
nasty names that mean Useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!
<Wife sweeps in.>
'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'
'<Shrug>'
My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?
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Forwarded-by: mweaver@heartland.bradley.edu (Monica Weaver)
In a previous article, wwilson@heartland.bradley.edu (William Wilson) says:
One of my psych profs over here was telling our Learning & Conditioning
class an interesting story a while ago which I thought might strike a
few people over here in a reinforcing manner:
There's this bird named the gray-legged goose which has a tendency to build
its nest on top of a little hill it makes for itself. Since it can't always
be on top of the nest, it has a few instincts to help it protect its
unhatched eggs. The first of these is known as the egg-retrieval instinct.
Essentially, the theory is this: If an egg rolls out, the goose will see it.
Upon seeing this egg, it will get up off its nest, straddle the egg, try to
knock it back up the hill with its beak, and sit back down. Of course, this
isn't an easy task and more often than not, the goose loses the egg after a
few taps. But, trapped in its fixed action pattern, the bird will continue
with the knocking motions all the way up the hill, never even noticing that
it's lost the egg. Until, that is, it sees it again from the top of the
nest.
All fine and dandy. Except for one problem... Other things than eggs
trigger this egg-retrieval instinct. Foremost among these is a beer can.
Apparently, beer cans and eggs are very similar in the goose's mind, so it
will waddle down its hill, tap the beer can up into its nest, and sit back
down.
Ordinarily, this wouldn't cause a problem. Unfortunately, the goose has
another instinct known as the "egg-rejection" instinct. The rejection
instinct works like this: if the goose is sitting on something which doesn't
feel like an egg, it will kick it out of the nest. And beer cans, though
they might look like eggs to the gray-legged goose, definitely do not *feel*
like eggs. So, soon after the goose sits upon its new beer can, it will toss
it out of the nest.
Here's where the problem comes in. The goose, after kicking the can out of
its nest will eventually notice the beer can again (Oh! An egg!) and will
waddle out towards it, tap it up the hill, and sit down upon it a second
time, whereupon it will throw the can out again.
And, yes, this process proceeds indefinitely. Just goes to show you that
nature never intended beer to come in cans.
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1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
- --
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
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