[1029] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. MS stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Aug 28 10:51:28 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 10:48:02 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 23 Aug 1995 23:18:15 -0700
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: MS funnies (long, but nowhere near complete)
From a variety of sources, some multiple.
- -----------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates were all summoned to the
mountain top for a conference with God.
God told them: "As I have promised in the scripture, I will come again.
In 7 days the world shall end. Go forth and make preparations for the
Second Coming."
The three left the mountain top and returned to their peoples.
Boris Yeltsin called an emergency session of the Politboro and said: "I
have spoken with God, and I have good news and bad news. The bad news is,
the world will end in 7 days. The good news is, we have no worries about
whether our economic reforms would have been successful!"
Bill Clinton returned to the US, and spoke before a joint session of
Congress: "God and I had a chat, and I have good news and bad news. The
bad news is that the world is coming to an end in 7 days. The good news
is that our deficit will be wiped clean!"
Bill Gates returned to Microsoft, where he called a meeting among his
officers: "I've got good news, and really *great* news. The good news is
that God things I'm important! And the *great* news is that we don't have
to ship Windows 95!"
______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________
News Flash:
Microsoft announced today their purchase of the rights to the Rolling
Stones song, "Satisfaction", for use in their Windows '95 advertising
blitz. The song's theme, "I Can't Get No...Satisfaction" is to become the
slogan for the entire Windows marketing effort. "We decided to finally tell
the truth about our OS", said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "Because, the fact
is, with our longstanding monopoly in the operating systems market, we no
longer feel the need to satisfy our customers' needs".
In an exclusive interview, Gates admitted that "Everyone has known all along
that Windows is a complete loss. We know that we will never produce a
workable operating system so long as we try to maintain reverse
compatibility, and it's clear that that nobody wants an operating system
that isn't fully Windows 3.1 and DOS compatible. We screwed the world a long
time ago, and there's no point in denying it anymore. Consequently, we no
longer feel the need to pretend to care about our users, and our advertising
campaign reflects that."
Asked why Microsoft is advertising a product that they know they will sell
anyway, Gates responds, "Why not? We have so much money now that we don't
know what to do with it. Besides, after buying rights to most of the
world's great art, I figured we might as well start picking away at some
cultural icons. After all, if corporations didn't step in to manage
artistic experiences, people might use the art to develop ideas of their
own, and that would be a marketing disaster."
Rolling Stones vocalist Mick Jagger told reporters "Yeah, I said they could
have [the song] when hell freezes over." Inspired by this, a Microsoft
lawyer immediately parachuted into Jagger's estate carrying a quill pen and
a vial of blood. It has not been determined whether Jagger actually signed
an agreement, but sources have confirmed the existence of a secret,
multimillion dollar operation to pump liquid nitrogen into abandoned oil
wells, which some claim is associated with this pact. Satan, the president
and CEO of Hell, could not be reached for comment, but rumours of his close
ties with Gates have been circulating for years. A recent request to L.L.
Bean, the prominent mail-order clothing company, for thousands of
"brimstone-resistant" wool caps with "two holes in the forehead" of each
provides further evidence of imminent climactic change in the underworld.
An anonymous Apple Computer evangelist expressed mixed feelings about the
announcement. "If you look at the real theme of this song", he explained,
"it's about sexual inadequacy. You see why Microsoft has been so
successful. They're marketing software to the intellectual equivalent of
frustrated teenage virgins, and they identify with the pain of never
getting what they want."
Asked if Apple is going to use this opportunity to increase its market
share, he continued: "Absolutely. Our new operating system, code named
'Copland', is going to be the center of a huge multi-media experience.
We're going to go to the mountains and have an orchestra play Copland's
'Appalachian Spring' in the middle of an empty field, while a hundred
interpretive dancers wrapped in aluminum foil express the joy of being a
Macintosh user. We're sure that this will gain us a major foothold in the
business world."
- ------------------------------------------------------
>From Guy Kawasaki, Apple Fellow:
From: MacWay@aol.com
Subject: Windows 95
Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than
"Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial
10. Just My Imagination
9. I'm Going Down
8. Let It Bleed
7. Gimme Shelter
6. Bitch
5. Shattered
4. Play With Fire
3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction
2. You Can't Always Get What you Want
.. and the number one.. one.. one..
1. 19th Nervous Breakdown
- ----------------------------------------------------
For your amusement (bemusement?), addresses withheld to
protect the amazed:
>
> Subject: Really interesting Win 95 banned in India
> Content-Length: 1246
> X-Lines: 30
>
> Wanted to update you guys on this. Kind of hard to
> believe, but this is a real issue.
>
> The timezone map doesn't display the correct borders for
> north region of Kashmir according to the Indian
> government.
>
> This is an area they are at war with Pakistan over. The
> map in Win95 is the map used by the UN, so we thought it
> correct. The Indian Goverment has banned all sales of
> Windows 95 in India and have also threatened to ban all
> sales of all MS products in India. (Note that the
> difference were talking about is a dozen pixels on the
> map.) I've heard this is front page news there too.
>
> Looks like the solution of disabling the map is ok for
> them, so that's what we'll do and re-release a special
> English version for India. We'd change the bitmap to
> please India, but who knows how long it'd stay correct. In
> the future, we'll have a more politically correct timezone
> picker that avoids this sort of thing so we don't have to
> ship a special Indian version.
>
> If you have any special advise on how else we might deal
> with this, please let me know.I don't have a schedule yet
> on when we'll be able to re-release disks and CDs for
> India.
>
> ---End of forwarded mail from Eric Johnson DAD ProjDev, Microsoft.
>
> Hi Stan,
>
> Apparently the Microsoft story is true ...
>
> Tom
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Subject: Re: Windows 95
> Content-Length: 570
> X-Lines: 18
> Status: RO
>
> Unbelievable, but true.
> Looks like the rectification is in the works already(according to the
> Economic Times of India)
>
> Microsoft removes software feature with wrong Indian map (Eco. Times)
>
> Microsoft will omit the time zone feature in its Windows 95 software
> package for the Indian market. This follows the Indian Customs
> department's decision not to allow the import of software that has
> maps showing Jammu and Kashmir in Pakistan and China. Microsoft has
> also decided to rectify erroneous maps of India in several of its
> other products.
>
- -----------------------------------------------
<Note: View this with a fixed space font, not proportional.>>
If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of
publications, annalists and net users declaring Windows 95 the
Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a
brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?
Let's compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus
of Nazareth:
Jesus Windows 95
--------------------------------------+--------------------------
Said, "Surely I come quickly." | Has been promised "any day
now."
Is taking a lot longer to actually | Is taking a lot longer to
arrive actually arrive.
Can walk on water. | Can crawl on a 486.
Sits in judgment at the pearly gates.| Will be used to judge Bill
Gates.
Bible says, "In Him, all things are | Windows 95 doesn't even
possible." run all possible Windows
apps.
Started life as a carpenter. | Turns perfectly good
computers into furniture.
Born in a manger. | Resembles something found
in a barn.
Remembered for protecting the weak. | Has weak memory
protection.
Was raised from the dead. | Was created from Windows
3.1.
Jesus performed great works for | Windows 95 multitasking
the multitudes performance barely works.
Jesus has no sin. | Windows 95 has no shame.
--------------------------------------+--------------------------
You decide.
--
* ========= Connie Kleinjans (connie@interserve.com) ========= *
* "Humor. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to send it." *
* ======= Humorous, thanks to InterServe, 415-328-4333 ======= *
