[101] in Humor
HUMOR: SPECIAL OLYMPIC DAVE! (part 2)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Feb 24 21:54:28 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Reply-To: drewsome@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 94 21:52:31 EST
Subject: In Norway, spunky and clinically insane are synonymous
LILLEHAMMER, Norway -- We have had our first semi-tragedy
of the Winter Olympics. What happened was, a Norwegian ski jumper
named "Ole Gunnar Fidjestol" (or, as his friends call him, "Ole
Gunnar Fidjestol") was practicing for his part in the opening
ceremonies, wherein he was going to go off of a ski jump WHILE
HOLDING A FLAMING TORCH. Really. The idea was that he would land
safely and then light the Olympic flame, which serves as a
dramatic and inspirational reminder of what happens when oxygen
combines rapidly with torch fuel.
Unfortunately, during a practice a run, Ole -- perhaps you
have already heard about this -- was whacked in the knee by Tonya
Harding's bodyguard.
No, seriously, he crashed and hurt himself and had to go
to the hospital. Wouldn't you like to have been there when he
explained this accident to his insurance company? ("You did WHAT?
Carrying a WHAT??")
So anyway, Ole couldn't make the Flaming Torch Jump, and
the truly amazing thing is, THEY FOUND SOMEBODY ELSE WHO WAS
WILLING TO DO IT. That is the kind of spunky, by which I mean
clinically insane, people these Norwegians are.
No, really, the Norwegians are great. I do not wish to
generalize, but they are all ruddy-complexioned, helpful,
efficient and unfailingly polite. Also, they all appear to be 22
years old. I don't know what happens to old Norwegians. Perhaps
their reflexes slow down and they get trampled by moose.
There are a lot of moose here, even in the downtown
Lillehammer area. In fact, according to published reports that I
am not making up, the Norwegians spread wolf urine on the railroad
tracks to keep the moose away. This leads to the question: How do
you gather wolf urine? It would take an extremely spunky Norwegian
to do that. I bet that whenever flaming-torch-jumpers gather
together, they say, "Well, we may go off ski jumps holding
torches, but at least we don't collect urine from wolves. Those
guys are NUTS."
Here are some other Norway Facts:
FACT: The king of Norway is named "Harald."
FACT: The Norwegian unit of currency is the "krone"
(plural: "kroner") with one krone being equal to an amount of
money that no two Americans can agree on or figure out even with
the aid of calculators. On the 100-kroner note is a picture of a
woman; according to Sissel Karlsen, a 22-year-old Norwegian who
works in the press center, this woman was "the sister of a very
famous Norwegian writer.',
I asked Sissel how come the sister was on the currency, as
opposed to the famous writer.
"I don't know," she said.
Norway: Land Of Mystery.
FACT: There is a LOT of snow here. According to the
Olympic news agency, there is a record 132 centimeters on the
ground. (To get an idea how much snow this is, just remember this
simple formula: One centimeter equals 17 kroner.) There are large
snowbanks all over the place, especially in the Media Village,
where many members of the press are staying and attempting to walk
back to at night after drinking a local beverage called
"aquavit," which is made from alcohol, enriched uranium and wolf
urine. Nobody knows how many people have fallen into these
snowbanks, but my guess is that come August, when the snowbanks
finally melt, the landscape will be littered with frozen
journalists, who, upon exposure to the sun, will thaw out and
immediately file expense reports. That is the kind of
professionals we are.
In the other news: First lady Hillary Clinton is here to
meet the U.S. Olympic team and show off some lovely vacation homes
constructed by the Whitewater Development Corp. Also, do not quote
me on this, but I have been told by informed sources that the
actual Olympics per se have started. I will have more on this
important story if it involves Tonya Harding.
(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
