[87059] in Discussion of MIT-community interests
Search Alcohol Rehab Listings
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Alcohol Rehab)
Fri Aug 19 08:38:19 2016
Date: Fri, 19 Aug 2016 08:33:18 -0400
From: "Alcohol Rehab" <alcohol-rehab@holidayhelp.stream>
To: <mit-talk-mtg@charon.mit.edu>
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<td> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>&=
nbsp; </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p align=3D"right"><span id=3D"con=
tent">The emotion was so great that Razumov was glad to put his hands again=
st the wall. A diabolical impulse to say, " I have given you up to the=
police," frightened him exceedingly. But he did not say that. He said=
, without turning round, in a muffled voice-- " It' s done." Agai=
n he heard Haldin sigh. He walked to the table, sat down with the lamp befo=
re him, and only then looked towards the bed. In the distant corner of the =
large room far away from the lamp, which was small and provided with a very=
thick china shade, Haldin appeared like a dark and elongated shape--rigid =
with the immobility of death. This body seemed to have less substance than =
its own phantom walked over by Razumov in the street white with snow. It wa=
s more alarming in its shadowy, persistent reality than the distinct but va=
nishing illusion. Haldin was heard again. " You must have had a walk--=
such a walk. . ." he murmured deprecatingly.' ' This weather. . . .&qu=
ot; Razumov answered with energy-- " Horrible walk. . . . A nightmare =
of a walk." He shuddered audibly. Haldin sighed once more, then-- &quo=
t; And so you have seen Ziemianitch--brother?" " I' ve seen him.&=
quot; Razumov, remembering the time he had spent with the Prince, thought i=
t prudent to add, " I had to wait some time." " A character-=
-eh? It' s extraordinary what a sense of the necessity of freedom there is =
in that man. And he has sayings too--simple, to the point, such as only the=
people can invent in their rough sagacity. A character that. . . ." &=
quot; I, you understand, haven' t had much opportunity. . . ." Razumov=
muttered through his teeth. Haldin continued to stare at the ceiling. &quo=
t; You see, brother, I have been a good deal in that house of late. I used =
to take there books-- leaflets. Not a few of the poor people who live there=
can read. And, you see, the guests for the feast of freedom must be sought=
for in byways and hedges. The truth is, I have almost lived in that house =
of late. I slept sometimes in the stable. There is a stable. . . ." &q=
uot; That' s where I had my interview with Ziemianitch," interrupted R=
azumov gently. A mocking spirit entered into him and he added, " It wa=
s satisfactory in a sense. I came away from it much relieved." " =
Ah! he' s a fellow," went on Haldin, talking slowly at the ceiling. &q=
uot; I came to know him in that way, you see. For some weeks now, ever sinc=
e I resigned myself to do what had to be done, I tried to isolate myself. I=
gave up my rooms. What was the good of exposing a decent widow woman to th=
e risk of being worried out of her mind by the police? I gave up seeing any=
of our comrades. . . ." Razumov drew to himself a half-sheet of paper=
and began to trace lines on it with a pencil. " Upon my word," h=
e thought angrily, " he seems to have thought of everybody' s safety b=
ut mine." Haldin was talking on. " This morning--ah! this morning=
--that was different. How can I explain to you? Before the deed was done I =
wandered at night and lay hid in the day, thinking it out, and I felt restf=
ul. Sleepless but restful. What was there for me to torment myself about? B=
ut this morning--after! Then it was that I became restless. I could not hav=
e stopped in that big house full of misery. The miserable of this world can=
' t give you peace. Then when that silly caretaker began to shout, I said t=
o myself, ' There is a young man in this town head and shoulders above comm=
on prejudices.' " " Is he laughing at me?" .Razumov asked hi=
mself, going on with his aimless drawing of triangles and squares. And sudd=
enly he thought: " My behaviour must appear to him strange. Should he =
take fright at my manner and rush off somewhere I shall be undone completel=
y. That infernal General. . . ." He dropped the pencil and turned abru=
ptly towards the bed with the shadowy figure extended full length on it--so=
much more indistinct than the one over whose breast he had walked without =
faltering. Was this, too, a phantom? The silence had lasted a long time. &q=
uot; He is no longer here," was the thought against which Razumov stru=
ggled desperately, quite frightened at its absurdity. " He is already =
gone and this. . .only. . . ." He could resist no longer. He sprang to=
his feet, saying aloud, " I am intolerably anxious," and in a fe=
w headlong strides stood by the side of the bed. His hand fell lightly on H=
aldin' s shoulder, and directly he felt its reality he was beset by an insa=
ne temptation to grip that exposed throat and squeeze the breath out of tha=
t body, lest it should escape his custody, leaving only a phantom behind. H=
aldin did not stir a limb, but his overshadowed eyes moving a little gazed =
upwards at Razumov with wistful gratitude for this manifestation of feeling=
Razumov turned away and strode up and down the room. " It would have=
been possibly a kindness," he muttered to himself, and was appalled b=
y the nature of that apology for a murderous intention his mind had found s=
omewhere within him. And all the same he could not give it up. He became lu=
cid about it. " What can he expect?" he thought. " The halte=
r--in the end. And I. . . ." This argument was interrupted by Haldin' =
s voice. " Why be anxious for me? They can kill my body, but they cann=
ot exile my soul from this world. I tell you what--I believe in this world =
so much that I cannot conceive eternity otherwise than as a very long life.=
That is perhaps the reason I am so ready to die." " H' m," =
muttered Razumov, and biting his lower lip he continued to walk up and down=
and to carry on his strange argument. Yes, to a man in such a situation--o=
f course it would be an act of kindness. The question, however, was not how=
to be kind, but how to be firm. He was a slippery customer " I too, V=
ictor Victorovitch, believe in this world of ours," he said with force=
" I too, while I live. . . . But you seem determined to haunt it. Yo=
u can' t seriously. . . mean" The voice of the motionless Haldin began=
-- " Haunt it! Truly, the oppressors of thought which quickens the wor=
ld, the destroyers of souls which aspire to perfection of human dignity, th=
ey shall be haunted. As to the destroyers of my mere body, I have forgiven =
them beforehand." Razumov had stopped apparently to listen, but at the=
same time he was observing his own sensations. He was vexed with himself f=
or attaching so much importance to what Haldin said. " The fellow' s m=
ad," he thought firmly, but this opinion did not mollify him towards H=
aldin. It was a particularly impudent form of lunacy--and when it got loose=
in the sphere of public life of a country, it was obviously the duty of ev=
ery good citizen. . . . This train of thought broke off short there and was=
succeeded by a paroxysm of silent hatred towards Haldin, so intense that R=
azumov hastened to speak at random. " Yes. Eternity, of course. I, too=
, can' t very well represent it to myself. . . . I imagine it, however, as =
something quiet and dull. There would be nothing unexpected--don' t you see=
? The element of time would be wanting." He pulled out his watch and g=
azed at it. Haldin turned over on his side and looked on intently. Razumov =
got frightened at this movement. A slippery customer this fellow with a pha=
ntom. It was not midnight yet. He hastened on-- " And unfathomable mys=
teries! Can you conceive secret places in Eternity? Impossible. Whereas lif=
e is full of them. There are secrets of birth, for instance. One carries th=
em on to the grave. There is something comical. . . but never mind. And the=
re are secret motives of conduct. A man' s most open actions have a secret =
side to them. That is interesting and so unfathomable! For instance, a man =
goes out of a room for a walk. Nothing more trivial in appearance. And yet =
it may be momentous. He comes back--he has seen perhaps a drunken brute, ta=
ken particular notice of the snow on the ground--and behold he is no longer=
the same man. The most unlikely things have a secret power over one' s tho=
ughts--the grey whiskers of a particular person--the goggle eyes of another=
" Razumov' s forehead was moist. He took a turn or two in the room, h=
is head low and smiling to himself viciously. " Have you ever reflecte=
d on the power of goggle eyes and grey whiskers? Excuse me. You seem to thi=
nk I must be crazy to talk in this vein at such a time. But I am not talkin=
g lightly. I have seen instances. It has happened to me once to be talking =
to a man whose fate was affected by physical facts of that kind. And the ma=
n did not know it. Of course, it was a case of conscience, but the material=
facts such as these brought about the solution. . . . And you tell me, Vic=
tor Victorovitch, not to be anxious! Why! I am responsible for you," R=
azumov almost shrieked. He avoided with difficulty a burst of Mephistopheli=
an laughter. Haldin, very pale, raised himself on his elbow. " And the=
surprises of life," went on Razumov, after glancing at the other unea=
sily. " Just consider their astonishing nature. A mysterious impulse i=
nduces you to come here. I don' t say you have done wrong. Indeed, from a c=
ertain point of view you could not have done better. You might have gone to=
a man with affections and family ties. You have such ties yourself. As to =
me, you know I have been brought up in an educational institute where they =
did not give us enough to eat. To talk of affection in such a connexion--yo=
u perceive yourself. . . . As to ties, the only ties I have in the world ar=
e social. I must get acknowledged in some way before I can act at all. I si=
t here working. . . . And don' t you think I am working for progress too? I=
' ve got to find my own ideas of the true way. . . . Pardon me," conti=
nued Razumov, after drawing breath and with a short, throaty laugh, " =
but I haven' t inherited a revolutionary inspiration together with a resemb=
lance from an uncle." He looked again at his watch and noticed with si=
ckening disgust that there were yet a good many minutes to midnight. He tor=
e watch and chain off his waistcoat and laid them on the table well in the =
circle of bright lamplight. Haldin, reclining on his elbow, did not stir. R=
azumov was made uneasy by this attitude. " What move is he meditating =
over so quietly?" he thought. " He must be prevented. I must keep=
on talking to him." He raised his voice. " You are a son, a brot=
her, a nephew, a cousin--I don' t know what--to no end of people. I am just=
a man. Here I stand before you. A man with a mind. Did it ever occur to yo=
u how a man who had never heard a word of warm affection or praise in his l=
ife would think on matters on which you would think first with or against y=
our class, your domestic tradition--your fireside prejudices?. . . Did you =
ever consider how a man like that would feel? I have no domestic tradition.=
I have nothing to think against. My tradition is historical. What have I t=
o look back to but that national past from which you gentlemen want to wren=
ch away your future? Am I to let my intelligence, my aspirations towards a =
better lot, be robbed of the only thing it has to go upon at the will of vi=
olent enthusiasts? You come from your province, but all this land is mine--=
or I have nothing. No doubt you shall be looked upon as a martyr some day--=
a sort of hero--a political saint. But I beg to be excused. I am content in=
fitting myself to be a worker. And what can you people do by scattering a =
few drops of blood on the snow? On this Immensity. On this unhappy Immensit=
y! I tell you," he cried, in a vibrating, subdued voice, and advancing=
one step nearer the bed, " that what it needs is not a lot of hauntin=
g phantoms that I could walk through--but a man!" </span></p> <p> =
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