[86631] in Discussion of MIT-community interests
SWAT team carries this special tool. Now you can too!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Aileen Wynonna)
Thu Aug 11 16:40:15 2016
Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2016 16:29:25 -0400
From: "Aileen Wynonna" <aileen-wynonna@lisaservicer.com>
To: <mit-talk-mtg@charon.mit.edu>
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<div style=3D"font:normal 10px Arial, Times New Roman, sans-serif; =
color:#202020 ">=20
<p>SWAT team carries this special tool. Now you can too!</p>=20
<p>New York was empty. Two hundred thousand of its people were away for =
the summer. Three million eight hundred thousand remained as caretakers and=
to pay the bills of the absentees. But the two hundred thousand are an exp=
ensive lot. The New Yorker sat at a roof-garden table, ingesting solace thr=
ough a straw. His panama lay upon a chair. The July audience was scattered =
among vacant seats as widely as outfielders when the champion batter steps =
to the plate. Vaudeville happened at intervals. The breeze was cool from th=
e bay; around and above -- everywhere except on the stage -- were stars. Gl=
impses were to be had of waiters, always disappearing, like startled chamoi=
s. Prudent visitors who had ordered refreshments by 'phone in the morning w=
ere now being served. The New Yorker was aware of certain drawbacks to his =
comfort, but content beamed softly from his rimless eyeglasses. His family =
was out of town. The drinks were warm; the ballet was suffering from lack o=
f both tune and talcum -- but his family would not return until September. =
Then up into the garden stumbled the man from Topaz City, Nevada. The gloom=
of the solitary sightseer enwrapped him. Bereft of joy through loneliness,=
he stalked with a widower's face through the halls of pleasure. Thirst for=
human companionship possessed him as he panted in the metropolitan draught=
Straight to the New Yorker's table he steered. The New Yorker, disarmed a=
nd made reckless by the lawless atmosphere of a roof garden, decided upon u=
tter abandonment of his life's traditions. He resolved to shatter with one =
rash, dare-devil, impulsive, hair-brained act the conventions that had hith=
erto been woven into his existence. Carrying out this radical and precipito=
us inspiration he nodded slightly to the stranger as he drew nearer the tab=
le. The next moment found the man from Topaz City in the list of the New Yo=
rker's closest friends. He took a chair at the table, he gathered two other=
s for his feet, he tossed his broad-brimmed hat upon a fourth, and told his=
life's history to his new-found pard. The New Yorker warmed a little, as a=
n apartment-house furnace warms when the strawberry season begins. A waiter=
who came within hail in an unguarded moment was captured and paroled on an=
errand to the Doctor Wiley experimental station. The ballet was now in the=
midst of a musical vagary, and danced upon the stage programmed as Bolivia=
n peasants, clothed in some portions of its anatomy as Norwegian fisher mai=
dens, in others as ladies-in-waiting of Marie Antoinette, historically denu=
ded in other portions so as to represent sea nymphs, and presenting the tou=
t ensemble of a social club of Central Park West housemaids at a fish fry. =
"Been in the city long?" inquired the New Yorker, getting ready t=
he exact tip against the waiter's coming with large change from the bill. &=
quot;Me?" said the man from Topaz City. "Four days. Never in Topa=
z City, was you?" "I!" said the New Yorker. "I was neve=
r farther west than Eighth Avenue. I had a brother who died on Ninth, but I=
met the cortege at Eighth. There was a bunch of violets on the hearse, and=
the undertaker mentioned the incident to avoid mistake. I cannot say that =
I am familiar with the West." "Topaz City," said the man who=
occupied four chairs, "is one of the finest towns in the world."=
"I presume that you have seen the sights of the metropolis," sai=
d the New Yorker, "Four days is not a sufficient length of time in whi=
ch to view even our most salient points of interest, but one can possibly f=
orm a general impression. Our architectural supremacy is what generally str=
ikes visitors to our city most forcibly. Of course you have seen our Flatir=
on Building. It is considered --" "Saw it," said the man fro=
m Topaz City. "But you ought to come out our way. It's mountainous, yo=
u know, and the ladies all wear short skirts for climbing and --" &quo=
t;Excuse me," said the New Yorker, "but that isn't exactly the po=
int. New York must be a wonderful revelation to a visitor from the West. No=
w, as to our hotels --" "Say," said the man from Topaz City,=
"that reminds me -- there were sixteen stage robbers shot last year w=
ithin twenty miles of --" "I was speaking of hotels," said t=
he New Yorker. "We lead Europe in that respect. And as far as our leis=
ure class is concerned we are far --" "Oh, I don't know," in=
terrupted the man from Topaz City. "There were twelve tramps in our ja=
il when I left home. I guess New York isn't so --" "Beg pardon, y=
ou seem to misapprehend the idea. Of course, you visited the Stock Exchange=
and Wall Street, where the --" "Oh, yes," said the man from=
Topaz City, as he lighted a Pennsylvania stogie, "and I want to tell =
you chat we've got the finest town marshal west of the Rockies. Bill Rainer=
he took in five pickpockets out of the crowd when Red Nose Thompson laid t=
he cornerstone of his new saloon. Topaz City don't allow --" "Hav=
e another Rhine wine and seltzer," suggested the New Yorker. "I'v=
e never been West, as I said; but there can't be any place out there to com=
pare with New York. As to the claims of Chicago I --" "One man,&q=
uot; said the Topazite -- "one man only has been murdered and robbed i=
n Topaz City in the last three --" "Oh, I know what Chicago is,&q=
uot; interposed the New Yorker. "Have you been up Fifth Avenue to see =
the magnificent residences of our mil --" "Seen 'em all. You ough=
t to know Reub Stegall, the assessor of Topaz. When old man Tilbury, that o=
wns the only two-story house in town, tried to swear his taxes from $6,000 =
down to $450.75, Reub buckled on his forty-five and went down to see --&quo=
t; "Yes, yes, but speaking of our great city -- one of its greatest fe=
atures is our superb police department. There is no body of men in the worl=
d that can equal it for --" "That waiter gets around like a Langl=
ey flying machine," remarked the man from Topaz City, thirstily. "=
;We've got men in our town, too, worth $400,000. There's old Bill Withers a=
nd Colonel Metcalf and --" "Have you seen Broadway at night?"=
; asked the New Yorker, courteously. "There are few streets in the wor=
ld that can compare with it. When the electrics are shining and the pavemen=
ts are alive with two hurrying streams of elegantly clothed men and beautif=
ul women attired in the costliest costumes that wind in and out in a close =
maze of expensively --" "Never knew but one case in Topaz City,&q=
uot; said the man from the West. "Jim Bailey, our mayor, had his watch=
and chain and $235 in cash taken from his pocket while --" "That=
's another matter," said the New Yorker. "While you are in our ci=
ty you should avail yourself of every opportunity to see its wonders. Our r=
apid transit system --" "If you was out in Topaz," broke in =
the man from there, "I could show you a whole cemetery full of people =
that got killed accidentally. Talking about mangling folks up! why, when Be=
rry Rogers turned loose that old double-barrelled shot-gun of his loaded 'w=
ith slugs at anybody --" "Here, waiter!" called the New York=
er. "Two more of the same. It is acknowledged by every one that our ci=
ty is the centre of art, and literature, and learning. Take, for instance, =
our after-dinner speakers. Where else in the country would you find such wi=
t and eloquence as emanate from Depew and Ford, and --" "If you t=
ake the papers," interrupted the Westerner, "you must have read o=
f Pete Webster's daughter. The Websters live two blocks north of the court-=
house in Topaz City. Miss Tillie Webster, she slept forty days and nights w=
ithout waking up. The doctors said that --" "Pass the matches, pl=
ease," said the New Yorker. "Have you observed the expedition wit=
h which new buildings are being run up in New York? Improved inventions in =
steel framework and --" "I noticed," said the Nevadian, &quo=
t;that the statistics of Topaz City showed only one carpenter crushed by fa=
lling timbers last year and he was caught in a cyclone." "They ab=
use our sky line," continued the New Yorker, "and it is likely th=
at we are not yet artistic in the construction of our buildings. But I can =
safely assert that we lead in pictorial and decorative art. In some of our =
houses can be found masterpieces in the way of paintings and sculpture. One=
who has the entree to our best galleries will find --" "Back up,=
" exclaimed the man from Topaz City. "There was a game last month=
in our town in which $90,000 changed hands on a pair of --" "Ta-=
romt-tara!" went the orchestra. The stage curtain, blushing pink at th=
e name "Asbestos" inscribed upon it, came down with a slow midsum=
mer movement. The audience trickled leisurely down the elevator and stairs.=
On the sidewalk below, the New Yorker and the man from Topaz City shook ha=
nds with alcoholic gravity. The elevated crashed raucously, surface cars hu=
mmed and clanged, cabmen swore, newsboys shrieked, wheels clattered ear-pie=
rcingly. The New Yorker conceived a happy thought, with which he aspired to=
clinch the pre-eminence of his city. "You must admit," said he, =
"that in the way of noise New York is far ahead of any other --" =
"Back to the everglades!" said the man from Topaz City. "In =
1900, when Sousa's band and the repeating candidate were in our town you co=
uldn't --" The rattle of an express wagon drowned the rest of the word=
s. V HOLDING UP A TRAIN [Note. The man who told me these things was for sev=
eral years an outlaw in the Southwest and a follower of the pursuit he so f=
rankly describes. His description of the _modus_ _operandi_ should prove in=
teresting, his counsel of value to the potential passenger in some future &=
quot;hold-up," while his estimate of the pleasures of train robbing wi=
ll hardly induce any one to adopt it as a profession. I give the story in a=
lmost exactly his own words. O. H.] Most people would say, if their opinion=
was asked for, that holding up a train would be a hard job. Well, it isn't=
; it's easy. I have contributed some to the uneasiness of railroads and the=
insomnia of express companies, and the most trouble I ever had about a hol=
d-up was in being swindled by unscrupulous people while spending the money =
I got. The danger wasn't anything to speak of, and we didn't mind the troub=
le.</p>=20
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<br /> P.O. Box 37635 Attn: 34709C
<br /> Philladelphia, PA 19101-0635
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