[591] in Depressing_Thoughts
Re: _Man's Fate_ or _The Human Condition_
celine@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (celine@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Tue Nov 15 23:12:27 1988
> The fact that people still do fall in love says something about humanity.
> Not logical? Of course. Optimistic? Yes, essentially, even you, celine
I used to believe that love was just an intellectual illusion, which
could be shown to be transparent. When I found myself in love with
someone, several years ago, I tried to figure out what exactly it was
about them that caused this feeling in me. I analyzed my feelings...
What is it? The way she carries herself? Her sense of humor? The
radiance of her as she turns just so in the light... No. Do you see
what's wrong with all those questions? How much of what I perceive of
her do I INSTILL IN HER in my reflections? Love isn't something that
we are able to externalize, and thus, analyze. It is a RESULT of our
perspective. Realizing this, I stopped attempting to analyze it,
because I believe I have no effective way of doing so. At this point,
I also realized that even if it is a result of my intellectual
perspective, that does not make it an illusion, any more that any of
my other feelings. Feelings are real, as real as thoughts. I have
always tried to check mine with my intellect (anyone that goes around
"doing as he or she feels" is potentially threatening to everyone),
but they are there, nonetheless.
Can I fall victim to love, then? Even now, for all my rational
pessimism and quasi-nihilism, I can be a victim of it. The way I deal
with it is different, though, from the past. This is from my original
post:
> Entering romantic relationships with women is impossible for me. I
> have nothing to offer, for in the depths of my self is this belief I
> cannot shake and would not share with anyone who cared for me. The
> stronger my affection for someone, the stronger my urge to distance
> myself from them and not share what I truly believe.
Sometimes, it is very hard... but it's not for my benefit, it's for
the benefit of the person for whom I have these feelings. If I could
somehow keep from loving anyone, I would. At least until I find what
I seek.
> The ability of people to fall in love is basically a statement of hope.
I guess this means I still have hope, though I wish I didn't.
In this sense, anyway...
