[4781] in Depressing_Thoughts
limbo
shabby@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (shabby@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Thu Apr 27 05:46:29 1995
I feel like I'm falling, spinning, and I can't find my bearings at
all. I'm losing control and wish I could just hit bottom so I could
be done with it all. I'm spinning, my stomach isn't taking it well,
my heart isn't taking it, and this is one of the most important time
periods of my life. I've got to regain control, but I need a point
of reference to stop spinning. And I'm alone in the dark, I see vague
outlines, but not enough to latch onto. I hear snatches of voices
calling, telling me "this way!" but when I look it's darkness I see,
and I've now added to my spin of confusion.
I just wish it would stop and I could land, hit bottom, or something. Too
many gusts of wind carry me up to just suddenly die out on me and let me
start dropping again. It's like a roller coaster, taking me to the bowels
of despair. Or osmeting like that. I can't figure out what my steady
state is, either; there isn't one. I guess I'm just having major mood
swings and I am getting tired of them. Getting tired of it all. Hrm.
Ot
It's almost May. Gotta get back on top of things to try for this graduation
thing. I've got to get control back... stop shutting down every few hours
for another moment of despair. stop running on autopilot and start...
sigh. I'm alone in thje dark... at least the music is nice here.
where's my karma? haven't I been collecting any over the past few years?
isn't something good supposed to happen here?
Hm. I just wish it would stop. My brain has so much static in it now
that I can't hear myself think... I need the music to tell me what to think.
I can't get any work done; classes are suffering bigtime right now. I've
got to get back to myself, get into gear, and stop brooding...
I so want to do something real... something tangible. something I can
be proud of... I need to help m,yself out of this...
I can't believe it... I would have never thought I'd feel this way. I
always thought things would at least be "slightly sad" at thbe worst... Why do
I feel worthless? People have been trying to tell me I'm worth something, and
it doesn't help... Only I can help myself out of this, it seems...
But I don't know what I'm supposed to do... It's so late, and I've thrown
so much away... lost so much opportunity...
I would never have thought I'd be popular. I didn't even realize it until a
week ago when someone described me as popular, and I looked at him funny.
He said yeah... and I realized that it's right, in a way. What happened?
I'm not supposed to be being popular... I'm supposed to be being smart. Like
in high school... those were great years. A few close friends, the nerd
posse, we had some amazing times. What ever happened to me? I punt classes
left and right, I get audiences cheering me at concerts, I don't understand
at all.
What do I need? I wish I knew. Is anybody out there? I think the spinning
is blinding me. I've got to stop it.
