[4583] in Depressing_Thoughts
in a downward sprial and picking up speed
jcb@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (jcb@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Tue Jun 14 15:06:30 1994
So now I'm depressed. I know exactly why. All the bad things that
happened a couple of months ago are over, and I kept myself incredibly
busy for a while. It worked--it spread the really bad short-term stuff
out enough for me to deal with the problems on an "as-I-have time"
basis.
But now that the short-term effects have been mitigated, the long-term
ones remain. And now that I'm not too busy to notice them, they're
everywhere around me. I wake up in my house, wondering how much longer
I'm going to be able to pay the mortgage, and think briefly about the
fact that I'll never find housemates because no one wants to live in
Lynn. I eat by myself, thinking about the fact that I don't really have
any close friends any more. I have lots of casual friends, but not many
of the kind I feel comfortable counting on when I need a friend. And
the few good friends I do have are either perpetually busy or don't live
in Boston any more.
I also realize that almost nobody touches me any more. I'm a very
kinesthetic person, and I miss physical contact, the kind that just says
"I love you as a friend always will, and I'm here for you." Nobody uses
the word "love" either. It's too charged--too full of danger. It
doesn't mean "love" any more. It means "obligation".
I tell myself that I really should be sending resumes and cover letters
to every company I can find that does any kind of biotech or
manufacturing that uses chemical processes. But I also think of the
fact that every time I introduce myself as an unemployed chemical
engineer, someone else says "So am I. I've been out of work for a year.
How about you?" And I realize that unemployment will run out long
before I have a job, and I don't have the funds to make up the
difference. And I go out to eat with those casual friends that I
substitute for close friends, always feeling guilty about spending money
I don't really have.
I'd babble more, but it's getting late. Time to put on that synthetic
smile and go out, telling people that I'm happy because it's not
considerate to say otherwise unless there's something they can (and
would be willing to) do about it.
