[4486] in Depressing_Thoughts
Stream of Consciousness I
shabby@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (shabby@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Mon Apr 11 12:06:09 1994
My mind whispers to me, offering eternal happiness if I would just
love again... offering an alternative to the pit of despair where I
lose a year of my life each night... if only I would see in one
person what I do not see in anyone... my mouth moves to insert
thoughts and compliments of her in my utterances to myself, and I have
to assert control, to say, "no, I will not make this up, I will not
see what I do not see. I will not abandon admiration of the other for
the mere reason she doesn't return it." And I think "that's such
stupid logic... why can't you see something in someone else just
because of her? It's really there, you've just never noticed before
because you were blind. and now your blinders are being lifted and
why do you resist?" I think, "okay, but not her... there's only pain
in that direction; she's very happy as it is, and I do not want to
jeopardize anyone's happiness by my actions. Last time I broke that
rule I ended up only hurting myself." I feel... at last, I feel.
and I've finally become able to risk something. I should have done
this ten years ago. I'm behind in development by ten years, and
people don't want an eleven-year old around. Amazing... I'm really
writing these thoughts down. I'm really solidifying it, reading it
over, and saying, "yes, that's how I feel!" and it's becoming less of
a mystery to me. But, boy, wouldn't that be a kicker if she were the
one for me... she, the one who's going out with the one the one I want
to go out with wants to go out with. It'd really clean up lots of
loose ends if it happened that way... but things never get cleaner in
life. at least, they're not meant to be. If they do, it's forced and
unnatural, and it never lasts. My mind now says to me, "look at the
alternatives out there. look at the lists I've already made for you,
just scan down the list, select one, and ask her out." and I say, "But
is it right doing this? It feels like I'm... shopping... 'oh, her,
she's too ____'... that's not how it's supposed to happen." "How
exactly IS it supposed to happen?" "I don't know, but this isn't it.
It's supposed to be like the movie... friends for years, then finding
love. patience is the key, always always always, and you're being
impatient, you're trying to just use someone as a sponge for the
pain." "That's not true. Many of these are the kinds of people I
could see spending the rest of my life with." I just don't know...
What would be true? What would be right? What would be... the
optimal move at this point? Alpha-beta pruning won't help me in this
game... that's another thing, I'm not supposed to look at this as a
game. It's LIFE, dammit, and... somewhere inside, there's this bit
that says, "whee, this is fun... too bad I'm losing so badly so far"
and it's wrong to think it and I know it and I go on thinking it. I
think this is the most honest I've been with myself yet... I still
feel an unresolved problem gnawing at me now, though, one whose bite I
knew I would eventually feel... the last time I thought I was in
love... she said she felt nothing for me, and... now I feel so little
for her. Is it right? How can I ever trust any feelings I ever have
again, knowing how temporary this turned out to be? No, I'm lying
when I say I feel so little for her. I'm burying it, I think. It's
easy enough to say it's a defensive reaction and it's okay for me to
feel this way, but, again, I can't tell how I really feel, just how I
feel now. And it disturbs me that either I can fool myself so easily,
if I never really felt like that for her, or I can fool myself so
easily, if I still feel like that and am ignoring it, or my feelings
are so temporary, like it's a switch... one day, love, the next,
*poof*, nearly nothing. Although I do have at least one definite
feeling about it, I regret having transformed a close friend into
someone who's uncomfortable around me because I asked her out,
confessed my feelings...
More later, unless actually posting this unanonymous turns out to be a
disastrous mistake.
