[3737] in Depressing_Thoughts
Reflections
marthag@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (marthag@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Thu Mar 25 07:51:38 1993
One month ago today, my life changed. All my worst nightmares,
the things I feared most happened. And, yet, somehow, I've managed to
survive. Even though I didn't want to at times. Even though I was hurt
in ways I couldn't have imagined beforehand.
And I discovered a lot of things. Things about myself. Things
about other people. A lot of things that I didn't really want to know,
and some good things as well. I found I have a lot more friends than I
expected. Really good people who helped me when I needed it. I
probably wouldn't have made it without them.
And I've stopped really keeping secrets. That was very hard to
do. I've kept so many secrets for long, I didn't know how not to. But
in a lot of ways, it is a relief not to have such burdens anymore. And
secrets are burdens.
And lots of questions remain. What now? How do I rebuild my
life? Is it really over? How can I ever trust anyone else? Will I
ever trust myself again? Will I ever love again? Will it ever stop
hurting, or will it just eventually dwindle down to the point where I
don't really notice the pain anymore?
As for right now, I think I'll just logout and try to find some
peace and quiet. Most likely, I'll end up going back to my room and
crying myself to sleep again.
