[3609] in Depressing_Thoughts
What else is new?
dkk@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (dkk@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Tue Feb 2 07:29:45 1993
I've rarely been depressed since about 1988 -- until recently.
Sure, I've been depressed sometimes. Depression is an old friend --
the only friend I can always hold on to for comfort. But other than
an occasional dark day, I've been quite happy by my standards. In
fact, I'd describe late 1988 until early 1992 as the happiest period
of my life since at least the 5th grade in elementary school. The
past year, however, has been an only moderately happy time (again: by
my standards). And for the past month or two, I find myself starting
to slip into my old patterns.
I'm sure much of the reason is that I'm without a Significant Other
for the first time since 1985. But that's not all. I find that I'm
doing work that I don't like (or at least trying to do it most of the
time). I find that once again I can be (and have been) emotionally
crushed by one statement which wasn't meant to hurt. (Not necessarily
Richard's "two words", but close.) I find that I can no longer coast
along, mostly free of worries.
I find, too, that I am once again learning to fear my old foe: time
alone. (Being on-line does not count as "alone".) Most of my life,
there has been little else, if anything, that I have feared. It's not
the loneliness that's the problem so much as the time spent in
thought, undistracted from the demons in my mind.
But then there's the bright side. The last time I was feeling
particularly depressed (last weekend) I just came to campus for a dose
of cheer (no, not alcohol -- just the SIPB office). That was good to
relieve the day's problems, but no good for the longer-term ones.
As for the longer-term ones: Once again, I find myself torn painfully
between friendship for a woman and a romantic attraction (same person)
which I know can't work. (It's not easy being 30 years old in a
student society.) I still haven't completely gotten over a suicide
that took place about 7 years ago. I still haven't fulfilled a basic
commitment to friends who are suffering inhuman conditions in Armenia.
I still haven't started the engineering career that I feel I need. I
still haven't cleaned my room...
But, hey, at least I'm caught up on email (to some approximation of
"caught up").
