[3341] in Depressing_Thoughts
gut-spillitch, with care not to stain the daisies
adwright@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (adwright@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Sun Sep 27 03:45:11 1992
Solitude and pointlessness; feelings of absurdity and preposterous self-
presumption; delusions of significance; foolishly optimistic hopes for
change; dreams more substantial than life; life is but a dream; a recurring
nightmarish cycle; with idiotic highs followed by lows that fail to prevent
the subsequent idiotic highs; not highs caused by any true happiness, but
only highs brought on by that purposeless perpetually unrealized hope; a
chain that won't break; no end in sight, each link exactly the same, moving
by at a cosmic slowness; comfort sought in weather; in books, and in music,
which are both manifestations of the dreams of other searching souls;
stumbling blindly on a straight road with no junctions, bends, or corners,
along the side of which tower thick impenetrable walls; sounds of others
living lives, loving lovers, fulfilling destinies, drift over the walls
and into my bloody ears; just on the other side, forever out of my reach;
not far, but at an infinite distance, in parallel, unreachable universes;
my life living me instead, driving me onward mercilessly, cracking the whip
of time into my mind's heart, rushing me, hurrying, harrying me yet
keeping me at chain's length; my heart a threshed thing hanging on a silver
cord about my neck, visible to me, nonexistent to others; my face a mask, my
proficience in hiding my self behind myself growing with experience;
longing for contact, closeness, intimacy, love;
all right, i'm finished, oh, sorry, sir, let me just clean that up for
you, so sorry i've made a mess now haven't i, so clumsy of me, s'never
happened to me before, please forgive me, i'm not usually this messy, oh
let me get you another plate, don't bother, just leave that right there
i'll take care of it, lord what a disaster, this stuff is everywhere, again
i'm sorry i thought i'd sealed it tight, must've split the seam, there
that's better, oops missed a bit, there now, good as new, right as rain, an'
no one's the wiser
