[2830] in Depressing_Thoughts
Changes...
amgreene@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (amgreene@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 23 15:51:40 1992
It was about a year ago that I attended a talk that changed the direction
of my life. Since that talk, I have become more observant as a Jew. The
changes that have occurred since then have been wonderful; the observance
of Shabbat, the adoption of Kashrut, and a revived interest in attending
services have all added something to my life.
This should be cheery. And it is, in many ways.
But sometimes I miss the people and things I left behind. Sometimes I
wonder what would have become of me if I had made the other choice, if when
faced with the decision between hedonism and Halakha, I had chosen to
regard my Jewish heritage as a social affiliation rather than as a moral
charge.
I think about the people whom I used to do lots of stuff with, whom I
called `friend'. I try to avoid answering the question which is sometimes
spoken, sometimes silent. ``Why aren't you my friend anymore? Why is
this intangible, outdated, arbitrary set of restrictions more important
to you than having fun with people you like?''
I do not doubt that I made the correct choice a year ago. I have new
friends now, friends with whom I can share a Shabbat dinner or watch
Star Trek after Havdalah. And I am at greater peace with my self and
my God. I am less often depressed about minor things, and I have a
weekly renewal of energy and optimism.
But I do feel a different kind of sorrow. I feel a loss which, perhaps,
is comparable to dull mourning. I miss the might-have-beens, even as I
welcome the will-bes.
