[2221] in Depressing_Thoughts
alcohol
ckclark@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (ckclark@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Wed Jul 17 01:18:58 1991
Why don't I ever learn? For as long as it's reasonable to talk about,
I've had somewhat unusual drinking habits---namely, I drink very rarely,
and only in large quantities (which for me is not very much) and only
when I'm very depressed---and usually when I'm completely alone. At
least that's what I tell everyone, and it's pretty much accurate, though
there have been exceptions...
I guess that there are just some times when there are things that I
think about so much that they will not go out of my mind, no matter how
much I try...and it's usually something that I feel really guilty about,
and for some reason I feel the need to punish myself for it. So I get
plastered, and not just to the point where I "feel good", as some say,
(I don't remember ever feeling "good" when drunk), but rather to the
point where I can't get any more inside of me. And I do this alone,
because most friends of mine would stop me before I get that far. And
I'd be afraid that I'd do something stupid which would hurt them if they
were there.
But there are exceptions...and every once in a while it all works
backwards from what I've described, and I'm *not* depressed (to begin
with) and I'm *not* alone, and I'm even with people who would stop me if
I went too far. It's like a dream turned inside out, or more like a
nightmare. The way it usually works is reality becomes a nightmare (and
when that happens to me it is usually my own doing (or undoing), and for
guilt in reality I punish myself in dreams and drunkenness. But it
could work the other way around, and the drunkenness then becomes the
nightmare where the undoing is done, and the guilt resulting from
drunken actions becomes the burden of the sober self...and it always
feels worse that way, since the sober self is too aware to look the
other way---too awake to not see. And though the drunken self cannot
tell the real from the imaginary, the sober self knows fully what the
drunken self has done...the drunken self is transient, and need not
examine itself. The sober self cannot avoid it, and cannot avoid
knowing the whole whole story, as there is no convenient selective
memory to protect it.
So most of today I was unconcious, and last night was one of few times
it happened inside out, and boy, am I guilty! I've heard of horrible
things people do when they are drunk, but I don't often picture myself
being that foolish...but that's just the point, isn't it? I was not
myself; not that that's an excuse, since I was sober before I foolishly
decide to take that first drink.
I think there's one more thing I have to add to my list of things I will
never touch again.
