[2029] in Depressing_Thoughts
Re: marriage & divorce
qjb@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (qjb@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Wed Apr 3 00:44:12 1991
Yes, I've finally broken down after nearly three years (since
this meeting was created) and added this meeting. For obvious
reasons, I've been doing a lot of thinking about marriage
lately. I think there are a few attitudes that can make it
work. I'll tell you in 50 years whether I was right. :-)
First of all, as far as I am concerned, the idea that a marriage
is a relationship in which *everything* is shared is a myth. No
one can be perfect for anyone, and no one can be or share
everything with another person. It is instead important that
there are no barriers. This does not mean that you must always
say everything on your mind to your partner, but that should
never be afraid or unwilling to talk about something. (There is
a difference between deciding that something is better left
unsaid and being unwilling to say something.) There are some
other attitudes as well. For one thing, no one is perfect.
I, for one, have a set of problems that would probably annoy
most people who would get to know me well. In some cases, I
think these are actually not negative points, but in most cases,
I recognize these things as being areas in which I can stand to
improve. Most of the time, I am willing and eager to take
opportunities for self-improvement, but sometimes I feel too
busy to deal with it or just not in the mood for
self-improvement. This is my right. I think that people should
reserve this right for themselves and their partners. There are
undoubtedly going to be things that the partner does that bother
you. You should remember that that person is entitled to have
problems too. If the problems are serious enough that the other
person is working to change them, you should remember that the
other person is *still* entitled to mess up or to take a break
from self-improvement. Just as you probably have some mistakes
that you make over and over again, you should allow the other
person to have some of these problems as well. This is part of
what I think of when I hear the term "unconditional love". All
of this rests fundamentally on the mutual goal of having a
positive relationship. If one person does something that really
bothers the other either on purpose or by accident, as long as
both parties remember that the ultimate goal is for a positive
relationship, it is easier to work through things.
I have to get back to tooling, so I can't continue to expound my
views on love relationships. I'll just add two thoughts: my
parents divorced after 18 years of marriage, so I am not coming
to this from a rosey background. For me, the hardest thing
about accepting marriage was getting over a notion that it was
inherently impossible to have a workign marriage. The other
thought is that, although my current relationship is not going
to be a marriage for another few months, it has been triving for
over two years based on these principles. It has by no means
been without problems and has actually had some major problems,
but each time a problem is worked through, our understanding of
each other and ourselves is increased and the relationship is
strengthened. My other half should feel free to comment on any
of this. :-)
