[167] in Depressing_Thoughts
The Most Depressing Day in a Single Man's Life
jon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (jon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Sun Aug 7 16:19:36 1988
From @i(Nice Guys Sleep Alone) by Bruce Feirstein:
It's 12:30 on a rainy Saturday night.
You've just been best man at your college roommate's wedding.
Your ex-firlfriend sat at the next table.
With her fiance.
Who's taller than you are, wealthier than you are, graduated from
Harvard, swims, skis, sails, scuplts, recently appeared in GW, has a
full head of hair, co-founded a small discount airline that serves
104 cities in the Midwest, and in his spare time raises funds for
charity, hunts big game, and plays rhythm guitar for @i(Talking
Heads).
There also wasn't enough food to eat.
Half-drunk, blind with rage, you stagger home, buying the Sunday
paper, a pint of designer ice-cream
(Gelato-Louis-Vuitton-Oreo-something at $26 a pint), and then tumble
into your kind-size bed.
Alone.
There were no messages on your machine.
There was no mail.
And you've lost the matchbook where you scribbled down that cute
bridesmaid's telephone number.
Hoping to cheer yourself up with the latest news from "The Mansion,"
you reach for a copy of @i(Playboy).
And there, on page 226, is Miss June.
She's pretty.
She's perfect.
She's pouting.
Vision of statin sheets, tumbling flesh, the gray-blue shadows of her
eyes, and her mouth half open at down rush through your head.
You're happy.
And as you study the Playmate fact sheet, noting that she lists her
interests as horseback riding, quiet romantic evenings in snow-bound
cabins, making love in the surf, and listening to Jackson Browne, you
suddenly come upon the single most devastating piece of information
ever to come down the pike:
For the first time ever, a @i(Playboy) centerfold is younger than you
re.
You could be dating these girls.
And the problem is you're not dating these girls.
No matter what, @i(don't turn on the TV).
Because you're only likely to see Dwight Gooden, Michael Jordan, Ivan
Lendl, or Jim McMahon --
Who are also younger than you are.
And thus another set of dreams is shattered.
Yes, this is the point when you're finnaly forced to grow up.
The day when you stop reading @i(Playboy).
And finally take out that subscription to @i(Forbes).*
----------------------
* As bad as this may seem, things @i(could) be worse. Consider the
single most depressing day in a single man's life: That brilliant
Saturday afternoon in October when the wind is crisp, his wife is
beautiful, and he drives by the Porsche dealership only to realize "No.
At this point, I really need something bigger and more practical."
