[1530] in Depressing_Thoughts
and for your entertainment...
whycare@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (whycare@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Tue Oct 9 17:36:38 1990
It amazes me that most people `seem' to be thinking on an entirely
different level (there's hope in this world, life is great, there's
reason to live, or just take life as it comes-type) than I am now. I
remember that the last time I didn't have suicide constantly calling
out my name was up until IAP last year. (Suicide had crossed my mind
before then, but it didn't make a large dent until IAP.) I think I
became suicidal after I realized that my life is being/has been run by
people and things which aren't under my control. (I tend to dissociate
into a pile of something I don't like to be just by being NEAR another
human being. My ability to control the dissociation has so far been
fruitless, because the dissociation seems to catch me unconsciously.)
I suppose it's just the combination of things that make up me that
makes the realization rather painful and devastating. People out
there who seem to be living happily seem lucky enough to have been
able to avoid the combination of things that would have made their
lives unliveable. Oh well. (Hopeless and futile sigh of acceptance.)
I don't know what would make my life bearable and don't think it's
necessarily worth the effort to find out. (A common argument for
enduring the suffering in life in hopes of reaping the pleasant things
of the future is that it is nobler than carrying out the cowardly act
of suicide. Nice, humanistic reasoning, but it doesn't explain why I
would WANT to be noble in the first place.)
