[1008] in Depressing_Thoughts
General depression
amgreene@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (amgreene@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Fri Mar 9 21:19:30 1990
I walked out on dinner tonight.
I don't feel like I'm a part of any Jewish community. This may sound
trivial or odd or elitist or bigotted, but it's something that I want.
And I saw a Jewish community tonight at dinner and I realized that I'm
not a part of it. I don't sing the same songs, I don't keep the same
rules to the same degree; I'm friendly with these people but I'm not a
serious part of their community.
In a sense I feel this way in general. I'm hovering in the periphery
of a lot of people's lives, but I'm not a part of any tightly-knit
community. Hundreds of people seem to know me on sight (certainly
more people know me on sight than I know on sight), but only a handful
are really Friends and none are Family.
And I'm not really Jewish anymore, not in the sense that matters. I
feel like I felt in Alaska --- I might as well be a thousand miles
from the nearest minyan; I'm not connecting with whatever it is that
makes Judaism -- that //made// Judaism important to me.
Maybe this is why I punted minyan tonight; why I wanted to punt
dinner; why I've been punting shul; why I dread tomorrow night's Purim
spiel and megillah reading; why I'm not sure I want to go to the
Harvard Hillel Purim Party afterwards; why I'm not sure I want to
``celebrate'' another birthday, especially one on a Jewish holiday.
Anyone want an acting job?
