[4172] in Central_America
New quotes for Sat Mar 21
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
Sat Mar 21 01:30:18 1992
Date: Sat, 21 Mar 92 01:29:11 EST
From: root@charon.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
To: ca-mtg@bloom-beacon.mit.edu
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amgreene (Andrew Marc Greene):
Spring is sprung,
The grass is riz.
I wonder where
The birdies is.
[Oops, I'm a day late.]
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aras (Sheldon Robinson):
Did you ever think for a moment that all the elevators
in the world might just go down a few more floors into
another world that nobody has seen?
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belville (Sharon Belville):
Not found in Webster's:
Digital computer: Someone who counts on his fingers.
(From the 1992 365* Jokes, Puns, and Riddles Page-a-Day calendar)
(*Plus one for leap year)
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blam (Carl A Blaurock):
To work for the government.
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drmorris (David R. Morrison):
From: kanamori@Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Atsushi Kanamori)
Summary of seasons 4 and 5 of Star Trek: The Next Generation
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS II:
Conclusion: the Borg are hoisted by their own Picard.
FAMILY:
Cantankerous siblings have trouble forgiving each other for past
injuries.
BROTHERS:
Cantankerous siblings have trouble forgiving each other for past
injuries.
SUDDENLY HUMAN:
Picard experiences sharp chest pains shortly after he takes a
human orphan child under his wing.
REMEMBER ME:
Beverly finds herself saying goodbye to many comrades, but
discovers it's a small universe after all.
LEGACY:
The Enterprise crew falls for Tasha's sister's offer of aid
in a hostage crisis. Data falls for Tasha's sister. Tim Lynch's
TNG ratings average falls.
REUNION:
Worf and Duras meet again.
FUTURE IMPERFECT:
A foul plot may be in progress as Riker wakes up on the Enterprise,
15 years into the future.
FINAL MISSION:
Picard is wounded on an Away mission while the Enterprise gets rid of
a noxious object.
THE LOSS:
Two dimensional beings must cope with a wrenching loss.
DATA'S DAY:
The sound of wedding bells echo through the halls of the Enterprise...
THE WOUNDED:
O'Brien sings for his supper and the Federation gains a new enemy.
DEVIL'S DUE:
Picard squares off with the devil.
CLUES:
If we go by the plan, like Captain Picard, hours may seem like seconds.
GALAXY'S CHILD:
Geordi learns that some things are best left in the holodeck.
FIRST CONTACT:
An unidentified patient in a hospital is suspected to be a hostile
alien.
NIGHT TERRORS:
Crewmembers experience horrifying nightmares as the key to the ship's
survival rest on Troi.
IDENTITY CRISIS:
Geordi becomes blue when his female companion loses her personality.
THE NTH DEGREE:
After a relaxing romp of playfully bad acting, the Enterprise is taken
over by a madman and piloted to the center of the galaxy where it
encounters a powerful entity in the form of a floating wizened human
head...
Q-PID:
Picard is a merry man when reunited with his lover Vash.
DRUMHEAD:
Klingons and Romulans may be in bed together.
HALF A LIFE:
An alien scientist chooses between Lwaxana Troi and suicide.
THE HOST:
Beverly soaks in romantic pursuits with Riker, until his personality
returns.
THE MIND'S EYE:
A Romulan assassination plot so dastardly, even a blind man can execute it.
IN THEORY:
Everyone's favorite bald captain faces rocky waters as he directs his
crew in their journey out of a dangerous nebula.
REDEMPTION I:
A noisy, extended and fiery war breaks out as a Romulan resembling
Tasha Yar steps out of the shadows.
REDEMPTION II:
Star Trek risks a Lynch mob as the true identity of the blond Romulan
commander is revealed.
DARMOK:
Stripped of communications, Picard must survive on a planet
with an alien commander.
ENSIGN RO:
The Bitch is Here.
SILICON AVATAR:
A silicon entity brings back ancient memories for a bitter
scientist visiting the Enterprise.
DISASTER:
Troi's first attempt at command.
THE GAME:
Wesley seeks orgasms with a pretty young ensign, only to learn
that the rest of the crew has found a faster way.
UNIFICATION:
A major figure in Star Trek history passes away...
UNIFICATION II:
Spock is found at his new address: the Romulan home planet.
A MATTER OF TIME:
A visiting historian may be lying about his age.
NEW GROUND:
Worf and the Enterprise crew struggle to deal with the results
of an experiment gone horribly wrong due to lack of proper precautions.
HERO WORSHIP:
The 13 year old survivor of a wrecked ship insists he is an android.
Picard thinks he may be a liar.
VIOLATIONS:
Troi is raped.
THE MASTERPIECE SOCIETY:
Troi snubs a romantic interest.
CONUNDRUM:
Troi is snubbed.
POWER PLAY:
Troi's revenge.
ETHICS:
Riker thinks Worf needs a backbone after he is asked to help Worf
commit ritual suicide.
THE OUTCAST:
Riker becomes romantically attracted to an attache from an alien race
but the romance is threatened when she's discovered to be female.
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dschmidt (Dan Schmidt):
Dan Schmidt dfan@pondsquid.mv.com
dschmidt@athena.mit.edu Blue Sky Productions
117 Rindge Ave. 59 Stiles Road, Suite 106
Cambridge, MA 02139 Salem, NH 03079
(617) 547-3723 (603) 894-5336
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jcbourne (Julie Bourne):
Gone to New York until Wednesday (3/25) afternoon.
---
I don't care if you don't / I don't feel if you don't
I don't want it if you don't / I won't say it if you won't say it
("Let's Go to Bed", The Cure)
---
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
("Closer to Fine", Indigo Girls)
---
Companionship, partnership, mutual reassurance, someone to laugh with
and grieve with, loyalty that accepts foibles, someone to touch, someone
to hold your hand -- these things are "marriage," and sex is but the
icing on the cake. (Lazarus Long)
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jtkohl (John T Kohl):
50 Things Every Fashionable Man...
Should Have:
A fog-free shaving mirror
A black silk knit tie
Tiffany note cards on the heaviest stock
A single-breasted black wool crepe suit, which is the first thing to
pack for a business trip
Good wineglasses
Black cowboy boots with sloped heels
Nose-hair tweezers
Something cashmere
A sewing kit that doesn't come from a hotel bathroom
Two sets of all-cotton, no-iron sheets
At least one Randy Crawford album
A hairbrush whose bristles are not made of new-age plastic
"Halliwell's Film Guide"
A bottle of Champagne chilling
A black swimsuit
A great leather belt with a sterling silver buckle
Something your father gave you
Black jeans
A full-sized umbrella that wasn't bought on the street
Julia Child's "The Way to Cook"
White jeans
A leather jacket, any style, as long as it makes your feel so cool you
can hardly stand it
An up-to-date passport
A moisturizer designed specifically for the face
Two Ennio Morricone soundtracks
A white shirt so fine it doesn't need a tie or jacket
A suede brush
Scotch tape (for lint)
A bedroom with no mementos from college days
A topcoat that comes below the knees
A real madder tie
Silk pajamas---don't knock 'em if you haven't tried 'em
Two tickets to see Ella Fitzgerald, whenever possible
A way of seeing the sides and back of your head, so you can tell if
you've covered the bald spot
Two black turtlenecks of different weight
Condoms
A dictionary too big to fit into a briefcase
A bud vase
A pair of Ray-Ban aviator glasses
Birthdays of loved ones prominently displayed on your desk
Long silk underwear (nothing is warmer---ask friends who ski)
Health insurance
Enough underwear and socks to go two weeks without laundering
Lobster crackers
A Rowenta steamer, the second thing that should go into your suitcase
Collar stays, besides the ones that came with the shirt
A Burberrys Viyella shirt
A subscription to Consumer Reports
Gift wrapping, even when it's not Christmas
A copy of your favorite childhood movie
[Tomorrow, 50 things you should know...]
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kagraves (Kenneth A Graves):
Article 186 of clari.feature.mike_royko:
Paul Tsongas is being praised for making so gracious a withdrawal
speech. But he'll get no praise from me. I'm tired of hearing
politicians stand up and pretend to be good losers when they must surely
be filled with bile. And I wish they would spit it out.
Since he wouldn't do it, I'll dash off a speech for him:
``I am withdrawing. It is clear that I cannot win the nomination,
even though it should be obvious to anyone with more than an ounce of
brains that I was the best candidate. Unfortunately, those with less
than an ounce of brains are in the majority.
``My campaign failed because, frankly, it was too practical, honest,
made too much sense and didn't pander to enough voters.
``You noticed that I didn't promise to cut your taxes. Of course I
didn't. That would be stupid. If I cut taxes, we'd go deeper in debt.
Then I'd have to raise taxes to help cover the juice we're paying on all
that debt. Did you appreciate my candor? No, you'd rather have someone
tell you that he is going to make it possible for you to buy three more
Happy Meals at McDonald's and to hell with the future.
``I said I wanted to raise the price of gasoline and use that money
to improve the environment and make us less dependent on foreign fossil
fuel.
``But you would think I was talking about eating your children. The
fact is, gasoline costs less today, in real dollars, than it did 30 or
40 years ago. And when you factor in the better mileage than you used to
get in the old gas hogs, you've already got a terrific deal.
``Do you know what they pay for a gallon of gas in Canada, in Europe,
in Japan, just about anywhere else in the developed world? But you don't
hear them whining.
``They said I was pro-business, and I am. But some people made that
sound like I believe in child labor or making workers buy spoiled food
at the company store.
``I know that it is difficult for some of the unreconstructed lefties
in our party to understand that this is not the 1960s and that all
businesses and all business people are not evil.
``It works this way. The first obligation a business has is to make a
profit. That way, the business stays in business. If the business
doesn't make money, eventually it goes out of business. Then instead of
a building in which people have jobs that allow them to support their
families and pay taxes so they can have schools and cops and firemen and
parks, there is an empty building with bums living in it.
``When that happens, the lefties say that society has failed the bums
and we must do something for them, so they raise taxes and create
programs to make life better for bums. Then the government hires more
bureaucrats who really don't do anything to help the bums, except make
studies and issue reports that conclude that we must have more programs,
so they can have more studies and issue reports.
``All of which could be avoided if we had done something to keep the
business competitive in the first place. But if I mention that I want to
help business expand and compete in the global economy, a lot of you
think I am a tool of Wall Street. OK, have it your way. And when the
bums move into the empty businesses in your neighborhood, call my
opponent.
``Another reason I lost is that I'm not a pretty boy and I talk
funny. So what? Have any of you looked in the mirror lately? Or have you
tried to debate anything besides how much money a baseball player should
make? So where does a country full of people who can't utter one
sentence without mumbling `uh, yah know?' or `OK?' every second word get
off calling me Elmer Fudd? But I shouldn't be surprised. You elected a
movie actor who couldn't say `Good morning' without a TelePrompTer.
``So I want to thank all of those people who voted for me and
contributed to my campaign. While you have not experienced the thrill of
victory, you have the satisfaction of knowing you're not dimwits,
either.
``As for those who prefer some glib, position-hopping, pretty-boy
back-slapper, you have a good chance of getting what you deserve.
``The trouble is, the rest of us will get it, too.
``Now I am going to return to private life, make as much money as I
can, and if someone mentions public service to me, I'll tell them to try
the self-serve pump at the gas station.''
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kenneths (Kenneth J. Schneider):
Address at Theta Chi: Address at Home:
528 Beacon Street 4005 Birdwell
Boston, MA 02215 Tyler, TX 75703
(617) 267-1801 ext. 142 (903) 581-0216
Last logged on Fri Mar 20 15:10:53 EST 1992 on host M1-142-19 .MIT.EDU
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starflt (Derrick Kong):
BUT THEY MAKE A KEEN SOUND
In Star Trek: The Role-Playing Game (FASA), phaser rifles can't fire
as far as a bow and arrow.
from Murphy's Rules
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warlord (Derek Atkins):
From: sims@starbase.mitre.org (Jim Sims and others)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: More Boston Driving Rules
Keywords: smirk
Date: 18 Mar 92 09:30:05 GMT
Follow-up to the Drving in Boston rules, from a ~native, Marc Lippman
(SABU) of the DECUS scheduling committee (VAX rep):
I can vouch vociferously for most of your points. Here are just a few
clarifications, based on years of Boston commuting:
1) The goal of the Boston driver is *not* to arrive first at their
destination. It is to do their part in making the driving experience
as challenging as possible for the other drivers, however much it may
slow their own commute. This is illustrated by those who come to a complete
and total stop, and wait for three clear lanes of traffic, when the turn
they are making feeds into a dedicated lane nobody else can use anyway.
Note that they do not do this unless there is someone waiting behind
them.
2) Note the number one classic technique, the "Mass Pullout". When pulling
into traffic on a busy, undivided, two-way, four-to-eight lane street
from a parking lot or stop sign, it is simply not acceptable to wait
for all lanes of traffic to empty in order to make a smooth entry onto
the roadway. This could slow one down as much as 30-40 seconds.
Life-threatening behavior is clearly justified to avoid the delay.
Take it one lane at a time. When the lane directly in front of
you is free, pull into it, perpendicular to traffic, and stop. Repeat
until you have blocked all lanes in both directions. Then, slowly turn
into the direction of choice, re-crossing as many lanes as possible.
Straddle any two lanes of choice and proceed at 20% of the posted speed
limit until you are passed angrily by one of the people you cut off.
Then tailgate them no matter what speed they go, since the incident was
obviously their fault.
3) Massachusetts invented the traffic rotary. Most Boston techniques apply
here, but remember several special rules when negotiating a rotary:
1 - Proceed into the rotary regardless of who may already be in that
lane, pausing first *only* if there is no one in front of you and
several people behind you.
2 - Proceed directly to the middlemost lane in preparation for
abruptly crossing the maximum number of lanes when exiting.
3 - If you want to exit the rotary from the inner "fast" lane and are
uncomfortable about doing so, simply stop your car. This will
cause other people to stop and try to pass you, effectively
clearing the lane to your right, allowing you to pull into it at
your leisure.
4 - Remember that only *YOU* have the right of way in any rotary.
4) Turn signals are a sign of weakness.
5) Misplace your Mass Turnpike ticket, and don't look for it until you are
stopped at the toll booth. Never carry exact change, it's considered rude.
Never pull into the toll lane you appear to have selected. Always veer two
or three lanes to one side or another at the last minute for no apparent
reason. Once you have reached the toll booth, ask for directions, even
if you're not lost. Repeat them back several times. Do *NOT* follow
the directions you are given.
6) If you are driving a rental car, conceal that fact using
"WBCN-The ROCK of Boston" bumper stickers, lest to be identified as a
"%@#&* tourist", which would result in a feeding frenzy and your
certain annihilation.
Questions will be cheerfully answered. Enjoy your driving in Boston!
--sabu
-From: pixie <EKPPMEO@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Never park at meters. Meters run out and you will get a ticket. Simply double
park next to the empty space, thereby saving not only a parking ticket, but the
meter change as well.
Don't be fooled by the lines on the road. If there is almost enough room for
two cars--move over, it's two lanes.
Never put on your signal in anticipation of a turn. Signals are to be
used to let other drivers know what you have just done. Always wait until
you are well into the turn before signalling.
Never, never look for street signs. If you do find one, it is probably
turned around.
When asking for directions, always ask the person to spell out the name of the
street since you will not recognize it from their pronunciation.
Directions such as turn left, turn right, or go straight, are almost always
useless since every intersection in Boston must have at least 5 points,
none of which are left, right, or straight.
If you miss your turn, never plan on circling the next block to get back. No
two blocks in Boston are parallel.
If you are a pedestrian size up the traffic flow and find spots where you can
dart in between cars to get across several lanes of traffic. Don't worry
that you are crossing against the light. If any startled driver stops when
you jump out inches from his car, be sure to give him a dirty look because
now he has messed up your traffic pattern.
Put away the street maps--they won't help. Follow your nose and you'll have
better luck.
And last of all don't forget--the expression "You can't get there from here"
originated in Boston.
From: sowa@watson.ibm.com
Subject: Driving in Boston, Cairo, and India
In Article 2275 of rec.humor.funny, J. Bologna gave the basic rules
for driving in Boston. But those rules sound as if they were made up
by a tourist. A real Boston driver knows that there is only one rule:
Never let the other guy know you see him.
Bologna's rule about looking both ways before crossing on a green
light violates the prime directive. A real Boston driver stares
straight ahead and pretends to have glaucoma. A true pro would
really have glaucoma.
Yet Boston is only exciting for American drivers. Paris and Rome
are much more exciting. But very few places can beat Cairo.
When your side of the road is divided into three lanes by two dotted
lines, standard practice in Cairo is for two drivers to straddle each
of the two lines. That gives each driver maximum flexibility in light
traffic (which never occurs). In heavy traffic (the normal case),
that increases the road capacity by allowing 5 cars to drive abreast.
But those who want to perfect their driving technique should go to
India. A friend of mine, Frank Anshen, went to a linguistics conference
in New Delhi and took a taxi from the airport. As in New York City,
Indian taxi drivers are normally Sikhs, who wear a large turban.
As they were driving from the airport, the taxi driver kept his
head turned to the back seat while carrying on a running conversation
with his passenger. Meanwhile, Frank's knuckles were turning white
from gripping the seat and the door handle, as they careened around
winding mountain roads and stormed through villages with cows,
chickens, and people scattering in all directions.
At one point, the driver said "We Sikhs are the best drivers
in the world.
"Do you know why," he asked, "we Sikhs are the best drivers
in the world?"
"N-n-no," Frank stammered, "Why are Sikhs the best drivers
in the world."
"Because," the driver answered, "we Sikhs are not afraid to die!"
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
Don't use "joke" or "submission" or "joke submission," please.
--- End of Central America ---
