[4065] in Central_America
New quotes for Sat Feb 8
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
Sat Feb 8 01:26:19 1992
Date: Sat, 8 Feb 92 01:25:42 EST
From: root@charon.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
To: ca-mtg@bloom-beacon.mit.edu
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bjaspan (Barr3y Jaspan):
Article: 3087 of rec.humor.funny
From: jgreen@acs.alliant.com (John C Green Jr)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Truth is stranger than fiction
Date: 6 Feb 92 09:30:05 GMT
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two
year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds
of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to
bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about
2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with
a terrific noise in the background shouted:
Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but
only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?"
VP: "That's right."
Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they
have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to
Greece? Or will you waive the policy?"
The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "...
can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek
women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils."
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
If you mail to original@clarinet.com, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
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ccount (Craig A Counterman):
To find out why so many people try to call me Greg
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cyrus (Cyrus Shaoul):
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
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gerbs (Gerbs(James) Bauer):
The last TWO sylables of recorded time: Oh shi-!!
REAL phone: (508)692-4744
other addresses: gerbs@astron.mit.edu, gerbs@oberon.mit.edu
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gimbel (William A Gimbel):
{From system: This user's .plan file is not world readable}
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kenneths (Kenneth J. Schneider):
Address at Theta Chi: Address at Home:
528 Beacon Street 4005 Birdwell
Boston, MA 02215 Tyler, TX 75703
(617) 267-1801 ext. 142 (903) 581-0216
Last logged on Fri Feb 7 01:07:48 EST 1992 on host W20-575-33 .MIT.EDU
Last logged on Fri Feb 7 15:01:39 EST 1992 on host e40-008-10 .MIT.EDU
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ljmahone (Laurel J Mahoney):
I gotta finish my thesis!!
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marc (Marc Horowitz):
OUR CRAZY LANGUAGE
Condensed from "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer
Reader's Digest, June 1990
"IF PRO AND CON ARE OPPOSITES, IS CONGRESS THE OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS?"
English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in
every seven human beings can speak it. More than half of the world's books
and three-quarters of international mail are in English. Of all languages,
English has the largest vocabulary - perhaps as many as TWO MILLION words -
and one of the noblest bodies of literature.
Nonetheless, let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, neither pine nor apple in pineapple and no ham in a hamburger.
English muffins weren't invented in England or french fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But when we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no
baths and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.
And why is it that a writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce, humdingers don't hum and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth
is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth? One goose, two geese -
so one moose, two meese? One index, two indices - one Kleenex, two Kleenices?
Doesn't it seem loopy that you can make amends but not just one amend, that
you comb through the annals of history but not just one anal? If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that the preacher praught? If a
horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's-hair coat from
the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you also bote your tongue?
Sometimes I wonder if all English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what other language do people drive on a parkway
and park in a driveway? Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by
truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? How can OVERLOOK and OVERSEE be opposites, while
QUITE A LOT and QUITE A FEW are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell the next?
Did you ever notice that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown, met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are the people who ARE spring chickens or who actually WOULD hurt
a fly? I meet individuals who CAN cut the mustard and whom I WOULD touch
with a ten-foot pole, but I cannot talk about them in English.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn't really a race at all). That is
why, when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they
are invisible. Any why, when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I
wind up this essay I end it.
endofprint
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mtbear (Matthew T Bear):
**********************************************************
* * *
* Mr Matthew T. Bear * mtbear@athena.mit.edu *
* 277 Cardinal Medeiros Ave. * *
* Cambridge, MA 02141-1923 * mtbear@math.mit.edu *
* * *
**********************************************************
D i l i g i t e e t q u o d v i s f a c .
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mwmcleod (Matthew William McLeod):
Not normally being a very organized person
a lot of people would not expect me to
have a plan. However, since I got sick of
having a computer tell everyone I have no
plan, I decided to write one. Remember,
life is good, and even when life is not so
good it is considerably better than the
alternative. Also, Murphy's Law was not
propounded by Murphy but by another man of
the same name. At this point I'm pretty
much just rambling, but you're still
reading so I'll keep right on going. On
the more serious side I intend to major in
Bio, and eventually do some kind of
research. More importantly, I intend to
stay happy.
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starflt (Derrick Kong):
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tater (Mark A Enstrom):
I plan to make something of myself.
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therese (Therese):
Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
or snack lunch in the hall,
Finland, Finland, Finland,
Finland has it all.
You're so sadly neglected,
And so often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad.
Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all...
- Monty Python
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warlord (Derek Atkins):
From: jgreen@acs.alliant.com (John C Green Jr)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Truth is stranger than fiction
Keywords: chuckle, true
Date: 6 Feb 92 09:30:05 GMT
A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two
year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds
of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to
bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about
2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with
a terrific noise in the background shouted:
Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but
only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?"
VP: "That's right."
Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they
have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to
Greece? Or will you waive the policy?"
The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "...
can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek
women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils."
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
If you mail to original@clarinet.com, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
--- End of Central America ---
