[4027] in Central_America
New quotes for Sun Jan 26
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
Sun Jan 26 01:26:08 1992
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 92 01:25:30 EST
From: root@charon.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
To: ca-mtg@bloom-beacon.mit.edu
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
aschavez (Anthony Chavez):
{From system: This user's .plan file is not world readable}
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
drmorris (David R. Morrison):
To win a pair of rush tickets, by being caller #16.
So far I have been:
caller #1 - 7 times (I now wait before calling, I realize now that I can
be #1 any time I want.)
caller #2
caller #3
caller #6
caller #7
caller #10
caller #11 - 2 times
caller #14
caller #15
Emperically, I've determined the radio station can buffers about
8 calls. Oh please oh please....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
hss (Hany S Saleeb):
--> I may also be reached at hss@abp.lcs.mit.edu <-
The ONLY time success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Imagination is more important than Knowledge.
Albert Einstein
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
kagraves (Kenneth A Graves):
"A technical question: Is a song 'Greensleeves-complete' if it can be
sung to the tune of Greensleeves? Or must it also be possible to sing
Greensleeves to *its* tune?" --Dani Zweig
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
mczody (Michael C. Zody):
Stratomatic Hockey 1991-92
Team W L T Pts GIH
Chicago 16 13 1 33 -
Boston 13 7 0 26 10
Montreal 13 9 1 27 7
NY Rangers 9 13 2 20 6
Los Angeles 4 8 1 9 17
Detroit 3 10 1 3 16
Missing Stats:
DET 3 @ CHI 1: CHI stats
CHI 3 @ DET 2: CHI stats
BOS 4 @ CHI 1: CHI stats
MON 3 @ BOS 4: MON stats
CHI 2 @ BOS 3: CHI stats
CHI 7 @ BOS 4: CHI stats
DET 6 @ MON 1: MON stats
CHI 5 @ DET 2: CHI stats
MON 4 @ DET 3: MON stats
CHI: one other game, probably one of the unknown MON games
MON: two games, probably the CHI games.
I am also missing several entire games. Check the grid below.
Away: BOS CHI DET LAK MON NYR Record
Home: -------------------------------------------
BOS 4-0 5-2 5-8 0-3 6-5-0
1-2 4-2 5-8
2-3 3-4 4-2
7-4
-------------------------------------------
CHI 3-1 2-7 0-4 4-2 3-2 5-8-1
6-1 3-1 5-6 MdC 1-4
4-1 3-4 3-2 4-4
-------------------------------------------
DET 7-3 2-0 3-3 6-3 0-7-1
3-2 4-3
5-2 3-2
-------------------------------------------
LAK 6-3 1-7 4-1 3-3 2-4-1
5-3 7-0 0-1
-------------------------------------------
MON 0-1 3-2 6-1 3-2 5-4 3-5-0
3-2 MdC 1-4
-------------------------------------------
NYR 2-1 6-2 2-4 2-3 3-2 5-8-0
3-2 5-1 5-2 2-4
3-4 2-1 2-7
2-0
-------------------------------------------
BOS CHI DET LAK MON NYR
Record 7-2-0 11-3-0 3-3-0 2-4-0 10-4-1 4-5-2
League-wide: 33 road wins, 20 home wins
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
mleyeh (Emily T Yeh):
whatever
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
pjcoates (Paul J Coates):
Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to
see the campfires of gentle people. If we had no other purpose in life, it
would be good enough to simply take care of them and goose them once in a while.
- Garrison Keillor on 'The Meaning of Life'
The sky is as unstable as a babies bottom.
- Mr Daedelus ( from "Ulysses" by James Joyce )
I was at Cambridge with his father - we used to pass wind for the College.
- Blackadder
His wallet is about as capacious as an elephants scrotum - and just as
difficult to get your hands on.
- Blackadder
A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends,
the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd
mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock & a stack of
French porn.
- Blackadder
Baldric, you wouldn't recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle plans are here
again'.
- Blackadder
Cooper: Two eggs over hard. I know, I know, it's hard on the arteries, but
old habits die hard--just about as hard as I want those eggs.
Cooper: Diane, last night I dreamed I was eating a large, tasteless gumdrop,
and awoke to discover I was chewing on one of my foam disposable earplugs.
Perhaps I should consider moderating my nighttime coffee consumption.
"At least we get to die like real men"
"like real fish"
- Erik the Viking
"Goodbye home, goodbye family, goodbye lunch"
- Erik the Viking
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
sethg (Seth A. Gordon):
A philosopher is concluding his presentation at a philosophy-of-language
conference. "So, as we can see," he says, "in some languages, such as
English, a double negative is a positive. In others, such as French,
a double negative is a negative. But there is no natural language in
which a double positive is a negative."
To which an audience member responds, dismissively, from the back of
the room:
"Yeah, yeah."
--Mike Godwin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
therese (Therese):
Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
or snack lunch in the hall,
Finland, Finland, Finland,
Finland has it all.
You're so sadly neglected,
And so often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad.
Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all...
- Monty Python
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
warlord (Derek Atkins):
From: A.ROBERTS17@genie.com (Walkin Dude)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Grab bag -- msgs from other categories
Summary: Here are messages from categories 1 through 6 that were a bit too "off colour"
Keywords: chuckle, sick
Date: 17 Jan 92 08:20:08 GMT
Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for
back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
while praising the deceased.
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead.
--- End of Central America ---
