[3530] in Central_America
New quotes for Sat Aug 3
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
Sat Aug 3 03:43:49 1991
Date: Sat, 3 Aug 91 01:28:28 EDT
From: root@charon.MIT.EDU (Initializer.SysDaemon)
To: ca-mtg@bloom-beacon.mit.edu
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aelih (Angela E Lih):
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ambar (Jean Marie Diaz):
From: sfisher@wsl.dec.com (Scott Fisher)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves,rec.pets.cats
Subject: KAT FUD
So last week the oldest hairball generator is giving me the
nonstop serenade as I'm trying to gather together the presence
of mind to make the morning's first pot of coffee. "Meow. MEOW.
Meow meow meow. Meow. Meow meow. MEOW meow me-YOW. Meyoooow.
Meow." Full of sound and furry, signifying hunger.
"In a minute," I reply. The din of the coffee grinder shuts out
her yammering for a few seconds anyway. I drop the coffee into
the filter cone and turn to the stash of cat food. Nothing there.
Cats are notoriously poor at understanding simple English such
as "There isn't any cat food," so I settle for picking her up
by the head and slamming her against the doorframe repeatedly
until she flees in terror at the very sight of me. Ah, Poe had
the right approach to cats; give me a penknife and a bag of
quick-dry and I'm a happy pet owner, I always say.
But I have some sense of duty to the brute beasts who have come
to depend on me for sustenance, so I stop on the way home that
evening to pick up, among other things, cat food.
Now, you must understand several things. To begin with, this
cat makes it perfectly clear when she doesn't like the food I
select for her. There are happier ways to begin the day than
to step barefoot in a warm, hairy slug of regurgitated cat food.
Having one's blood sucked out by leeches springs to mind. In
any case, not wishing to encounter another gastric Post-It note
reminding me not to get that brand of cat food any more, I make
a point of selecting the variety that She Who Must Be Obeyed
prefers.
Now, it's bad enough that the only kind of cat food that I won't
see again till I change the litter box is the kind in little bitty
cans that cost forty or fifty cents apiece. But we've also learned
that she really can't manage anything with seafood in it. This
means I have to read the labels. Cat food combinations make baby
food combinations look appealing.
And as if the labels themselves aren't enough, my sensibilities
are ripped asunder by the sobriquet "Gourmet Cat Food" added to
each of the varieties. "Chunky Mixed Grill Gourmet Cat Food."
"Tender Beef and Liver Gourmet Cat Food." "Chicken Beaks and
Gall Bladders Gourmet Cat Food" (no, that's only the ingredients
list).
Why, by the holy frozen yogurt of St. Acidophilus, do the cat food
companies feel compelled to add "Gourmet" to something that is first
of all going to be fed to an animal, and that second is composed of
disgusting, foul-smelling, half-decomposed and probably diseased
offal scraped from the floors of slaughterhouses nationwide? What's
next, publishing a wine list to go with it? "We recommend the
Chateau Ste. Michelle White Riesling to go with the Seafood Supper
Gourmet Cat Food, monsieur; a dry yet floral nose, coupled with
astringent mouth feel and a crisp, vegetal finish will be the perfect
complement for the oily fishiness of mackerel guts and tuna fins.
On the other hand, perhaps mademoiselle would enjoy the Cotes du Rhone,
with its rich, full-bodied depth and the varietal tang of the sirah
grapes with her Beef Lungs And Kidneys In Country Gravy Gourmet
Cat Food. And for dessert, we have chocolate m--" (No. Even I have
to draw the line somewhere.)
Anyway, I think the marketing nabobs of this country are missing
a bet. If we have gourmet cat food, we should also have gourmet
spermicides. I mean, let's concentrate on improving the flavor
of something that people actually taste, yes? Either that or come
up with a wine that doesn't make your tongue feel like ultrasuede
dipped in lacquer thinner when you mix it with nonoxynol-9.
But lose the gourmet cat food. At least until cats learn to read.
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chiharu (Chiharu Osawa):
Aug 19-23 Summer Session (Multivariable Control)
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ckclark (Calvin Clark):
Good Riddance, SDI.
B-239476
July 6, 1990
The Honorable John Conyers, Jr.
Chairman, Legislation and
National Security Subcommittee
Committee on Government Operations
House of Representatives
Dear Mr. Chairman:
This report discusses why the Strategic Defense Initiative
Organization will not be able to support currently scheduled
full-scale development or deployment decisions on any part
of Phase I of the Strategic Defense System. The
organization will not be able to support these decisions
until it has solidified the system architecture, conducted
integrated system-level testing in real time involving
actual pieces of hardware and software, and until the
Department of Defense adheres to technical and programmatic
oversight, commensurate with such a system.
As arranged with your office, unless you publicly announce
the contents earlier, we plan no further distribution of
this report until 30 days from the date of this letter. We
will then send copies to other appropriate congressional
committees; the Director, Strategic Defense Initiative
Organization; the Director, Office of Management and Budget;
the Secretary of Defense; and other interested parties.
This report was prepared under the direction of Samuel W.
Bowlin, Director for Defense and Security Information
Systems, who may be reached at (202) 275-4649. Other major
contributors are listed in appendix IV.
Sincerely yours,
Ralph V. Carlone
Assistant Comptroller General
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kho (Karen W Ho):
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matha (Mustafa Kamal Ahmed):
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quanta (Doug Newton):
Ph.D. A.S.A.P.
--- End of Central America ---
