[898] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 64.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Tue Oct 3 17:19:46 2006
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:39:35 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 64.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
October 2006
Click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the Web:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter64.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 480,000 members. Each one of you is so splendsmartiful that the mere sight of you stuns doves in flight, causing them to plunge to their deaths. But they die with smiles. Or at least they try. It’s surprisingly difficult to smile when you have a beak.
2006 Weasel Awards
==================
It’s time again to vote for your favorite weasels of the year. This is your opportunity to shine the spotlight of shame on the weasels that so desperately deserve your scorn. After the voting we’ll do a press release to complete karma’s cycle.
To vote:
www.dilbert.com
Blog
====
Have you been reading the Dilbert Blog? I’ve managed to offend just about everyone.
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/
Here’s one of my recent blog posts, reprinted for your reading pleasure because most of you newsletter readers don’t visit the blog.
SADISTIC MUMBLE MOVIES
Have you noticed that it takes at least two people to watch a movie lately? It usually goes like this:
Movie Actor: Mumble, mumble, mumble
You: What did he say?
Other Person: He said he’s going to kill the dwarf, or something about oatmeal.
Movie Actor: mumble, mumble, mumble
Other Person: What?
You: He said he loves ostriches, or maybe something about revenge.
Worse yet, over the course of the movie, the actors tend to become beat-up, exhausted or drug addicted. And that means even MORE mumbling. The difference is that the lips no longer move at all. That’s called acting. Am I the only one who continues to turn up the volume about ever five minutes for the entire movie?
And don’t get me started about the TV show 24, which should be subtitled “Bad Things Happening to People Who Whisper.”
Last night I watched an award-winning movie on DVD. And by award-winning, I mean that horrible things happen to mumbly people in the beginning of the movie and then things continue to get worse for the next three hours. Film makers know that if they let the audience feel happiness or hear dialog, the Oscar will slip through their fingers.
So there I sat, watching this DVD and feeling as if someone were slapping me in the nuts with a rake handle. The performances were spectacular, unfortunately, because that made the pain all the more real. And because the movie was well-made (in the same sense that the Boston Strangler was thorough) I felt some obligation to stick it out to the end.
There’s some sort of unwritten rule that the worse a movie makes you feel, the longer it must be. Comedies and animated movies are generally well under two hours. But a movie about well-dressed people drowning in ice water is going to threaten the four hour mark.
The strangest part about the movie I watched last night is that virtually all of my friends recommended it. Apparently I need to get more specific when I ask about movies. Instead of asking “How is the movie?” and getting “It’s great,” I should ask “How did you feel when you watched the movie?” in which case I would get “I felt like an SUV was parked on my chest and starving rats were duct taped to my torso. The acting was great!”
[Update: After that blog entry appeared, dozens of people left comments saying they watch DVDs with the subtitles on because otherwise they can’t tell what the actors are saying.]
FREE GOD’S DEBRIS E-BOOK
========================
God’s Debris is still free for download. No strings attached.
http://www.andrewsmcmeel.com/godsdebris/
So far, my clever marketing scheme of giving away my book so people will buy the sequel has garnered literally dozens of new sales. Apparently there’s a strong crossover between people who love provocative thought experiments and people who are cheap.
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================
Here are some more true quotes from people who put the DUH in In-duh-vidual, as reported by DNRC field operatives.
"Well that really throws a wrench in the ointment."
"I think there's something wrong with my alarm clock; it keeps making this really loud noise in the morning!"
When talking to a colleague about my newborn twins, she asked what genders they were. “A boy and a girl,” I answered. My colleague’s next question: “Are they identical?”
"That's water over the bridge."
"You're dead meat in the water."
"That stands out like a diamond in a goat's butt!"
"You shouldn't violate the law because that's illegal."
"They have us by the balls of our feet."
"Never pet a burning dog."
"It's hotter than a French hen."
"They should lock him up and throw away the book."
"They cooked themselves. Now they have to lay in it."
“Make sure you cross your p's and q's.”
"Don't look a blind horse in the eye."
"I put my wrong foot in the wrong mouth at the wrong time!"
"Cows died to give us that cheese."
"Don't slap the hand that milks you."
"Call me back at your least convenience."
"It's six of one and one of the other."
"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."
"That's going to change the whole ball of works."
"They're not the brightest box of cookies."
"The pro's for are more than the pro's against"
“I wouldn't touch him as far as I could throw him.”
BOOKS
==========================
My newest Dilbert book is called WHAT WOULD WALLY DO? If you love Wally, or you know a Wally, or you are a Wally, you gotta see this one.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740757695/ref=nosim/unitedmedia
Other Great Dilbert Stuff:
http://www.cafepress.com/dilbert
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Here now, more true tales of Induhviduals as reported by vigilant DNRC members:
There was a question in our company newsletter asking about whether they could water the flowers in the bathrooms since they were looking wilted and sick. The response was "The flowers are artificial."
[Editor’s note: Evidently some employee created a restroom gas cloud powerful enough to wilt artificial plants. You have to admire that on some level.]
==
Our health teacher told us that "1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die." The other two apparently became immortal.
==
So a few friends and I were at a museum, and they had this wall of analog clocks with a city name written under each one, showing what time it was around the world. We had about ten clocks in view, when my friend looks at a clock, looks at his watch, looks at the clock again, and says, “Well, this one’s pretty close, but all the others are way off.”
==
One week, we had the Land O' Lakes brand on sale and a customer came, and asked for one pound of store brand cheese. Trying to be helpful, I told her that we had the Land O' Lakes cheese on sale for cheaper. She asked me what the difference was, and I told her that Land O' Lakes was better. Her response: "I'll take a pound of the [store] cheese."
==
We were interviewing a new recruit and the owner of the company made this statement during the interview: "I believe people are more fragile than eggs, and if it were up to me, I would rather play with my eggs." It took quite a bit of restraint not to burst out in hysterical fits of laughter.
==
While working for a leather company, we were chatting in the lab about food. One of the other lab technicians pondered aloud, "I wonder why you never get the skin on beef?"
==
Every time my husband gets a new temp assignment, he gets a new security badge. The temp stands against the wall and the camera – generally in a fixed position – snaps the ID photo. My husband uses a wheelchair. So his security picture features the blank wall above his head.
==
On a canal boating holiday, the boat had a shower, with a stirrup pump that pumped excess water through the side of the hull.
A friend (an engineer) asked “Why didn't they put the hole in the bottom of the boat?”
==
I went to a local pizza restaurant and asked about the difference between a large and a medium pizza. The Induhvidual told me the large pizza had 10 slices and the medium had 8 slices. I told her to take one of the large pizzas, cut it into 8 slices, and I would pay for a medium. She just stared at me like I had asked her a question about Euclidian Geometry.
==
I went into my local bookstore and explained I needed Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler for a politics essay, the woman behind the desk said "Is it a new release?"
==
In the interview, which had been going very well up to this point, the interviewer asked, "Why do you want to leave your current job?" In my Induhvidual moment, I responded "It's too much work." Needless to say I didn't get any further consideration.
==
A few of us were talking about fighter planes and one of my friends asked, "If a plane is going faster than the speed of a bullet when it fires, does the bullet come out the back of the plane?" We were all surprised when he failed out of the engineering program the following semester.
==
I was paying my cell phone bill with a debit card. The Induhvidual behind the counter carefully checked my signature with the one on the card. I guess that’s to prevent people from stealing wallets and going around paying the victim’s bills.
Ask Dogbert
============
Dogbert answers tough questions with tough love.
Dogbert,
I'm becoming a little concerned about how my wife and I are raising our 3-year old. Whenever one of us makes a suggestion to him regarding an activity, he refuses to do it and within a few minutes presents the suggestion as one of his own ideas. I think we may be raising him to be a manager. What are we doing wrong?
John
Dear Toilet,
I wouldn’t worry. From what you described, the kid actually performs activities, albeit after claiming them to be his idea. An actual manager would convince other people to do those activities for him. Your son is merely a liar, and that bodes well for a career in marketing.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert
I plan to move into Mr. Adams’ house in the next few months and call it my own. My reasoning is based on Mr. Adams’ argument from Dilbert Newsletter #58 that there can be no "Holy Places" because we move through space and so no place on earth, i.e. his house, has a fixed universal point that can be recorded and owned. Can you advise Mr. Adams of this and remind him that any argument he uses to preserve his ownership can also be used to invalidate his theory about "Holy Places."
Your fan,
David
Dear Duhvid,
Allow me to respond to your coherent argument in a way that only you can understand: If a grapefruit is happier than a bulldozer, then that means your toaster can turn jam into sound.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I have concluded that the only way I will advance further in my job is to sleep with the boss. The problem I have encountered is that we are both men and neither of us are homosexual. What should I do?
Ben
Dear Mr. Dover,
Try closing your eyes and listening to your iPod.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
What is the proper etiquette when your group is seated at around a conference table and your boss tries to be cool by rocking back on his roller chair only to lose his balance and fall on his back like a turtle? Note that when he fell backwards, he was pinned against the wall.
Walter
Dear Walturd,
Whenever you find yourself in a situation that etiquette has not yet addressed, you are free to improvise. I recommend yelling, “Smile, turtle!” while taking his picture with your cell phone.
Sincerely,
Dilbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I practice kenjutsu and have done so for about 6 years. A friend of mine asked me why I do it. I couldn't give him a satisfactory answer because I don't do it for self defense(can't walk around in the mall with Japanese sword in my belt), and I don't do competitions. If you could give me an answer I will be eternally grateful.
Mark
Dear Meek,
You do it because you can’t get a girlfriend. But that’s just a guess.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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