[77] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 59.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Tue Dec 7 14:16:39 2004
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 12:43:37 -0500
Dilbert Newsletter 59.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
December 2004
click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the web:
http://www.comics.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter59.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class has ballooned to 460,000 members. Each one of you has so much animal magnetism that woodland creatures stick to your body when you hike through the forest. In fact, I predict that at least one of you has a mole on your buttocks right now.
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================
Here now, some quotes from Induhviduals, many of whom are allowed to operate motor vehicles, and have children, sometimes simultaneously.
"I don’t want anybody stepping on anybody else’s thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I'm thinking in my brain."
"What is that disease where if someone loses a lot of blood they just die?"
"Clean as a baby's bottom."
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but..."
"She has not seen one red dime from him."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That'll put the monkey in your court."
"We don't want this project to snowball into a can of worms."
"... up the creek in a hand bag."
"It's best not to open that can of wax."
"Let’s pair up into threes."
"I just thought myself into a corner."
"We really need to hang on to our coattails to ride the waves of change."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
ANNUAL WEASEL POLL RESULTS
==========================
The results of the third annual unscientific Weasel Poll are in, and frankly it’s a little embarrassing because I belong to one of the winning groups (America).
I had a long debate with my publicist about whether I should announce the results at all, given that they represent a view of the world that’s about as creepy as if you woke up one night and found Michael Moore in your bedroom wearing nothing but a baseball cap.
I was concerned that people might confuse the poll results with my own personal opinions and brand me a communist. My publicist assured me that the general public isn’t that thick. She’s funny that way.
Luckily for me, the DNRC have superior intellects and can understand this poll as the nearly-random data it was meant to be. Here now, the results:
Media Pundit/Reporter
======================
13123 Bill O'Reilly
11495 Michael Moore
8396 Dan Rather
7971 Ann Coulter
1188 Tucker Carlson
Celebrities
===========
13125 Donald Trump
11302 Michael Jackson
5406 Paris Hilton
4904 Ashlee Simpson
3190 Janet Jackson
2670 Britney Spears
2427 Eminem
Industry
========
17999 Oil
8926 News Media
5705 Pharmaceuticals
5249 Law
3169 Insurance
2267 Fast Food
Company
=======
25073 Halliburton
7596 Disney
4981 McDonalds
2010 Fannie Mae
1545 Marsh & McLennan
1211 AIG
Politician
==========
17068 George W. Bush
9565 John Kerry
8920 Dick Cheney
1803 Muqtada Al Sadr
1694 John Edwards
1556 Tom DeLay
1212 Ralph Nader
752 Ahmed Chalabi
570 John McCain
Country
=======
19918 United States
12941 France
4915 North Korea
2289 Israel
1830 Iran
1177 Pakistan
Sports
======
15231 Kobe Bryant
8309 Frank Francisco - The guy who threw the chair at the fan
7966 Barry Bonds
7438 George Steinbrenner
1987 Shaquille O'Neal
Organization
============
13192 Religious fanatics
7909 Swift Boat Vets
7099 NRA
6886 United Nations
6027 ACLU
1853 FCC
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.
=
I have to turn in my wife for a True Tales of Induhviduals. We live in the Colorado mountains and sometimes see bears on our property. Recently my wife asked if I knew how bears know when to hibernate. I said I thought it had to do with temperature, when it got too cold to be out wandering around. She suggested that the end of daylight savings time probably triggered hibernation. When I asked what that would have to do with it, she said, "The bears would notice it getting darker an hour earlier." I guess I didn't realize bears had clocks.
=
My friend was standing with an Induhvidual at a crosswalk the other day when they heard the signals that indicate to the blind that it is safe to cross the street. The Induhvidual asked "What is that?" My friend said, "That's for the blind. The chirping sound indicates that it's safe to cross the street north to south. The cuckoo sound indicates that it's safe to cross east to west." The person looked at my friend and asked, "What do the deaf people do when they need to cross the street?"
=
The secretary came in this morning and noticed that her big, picture calendar had fallen off the wall, to which it had been held by taping the monthly pages as they folded upward. It wasn't so surprising that it had come down, she said, because "It's getting toward the end of the year so it's heavier."
TOP EBOOK
=========
As I write this, the ebook versions of my two non-Dilbert books, God’s Debris and The Religion War, are ranked the #1 and #2 best-selling books on eReader.com. (God’s Debris was the #1 eBook on that site for all of 2004.) And since eReader.com claims to be the world’s largest eBook store, that’s not bad.
For the paper version or ebook version:
God’s Debris http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=dilbertcom-20&path=tg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0740721909%2F
The Religion War
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=dilbertcom-20&path=tg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0740747886%2F
SCOTT’S BOOK SIGNINGS
=====================
Tuesday, December 7
7:00 p.m.
Borders
120 Crescent Drive
Pleasant Hill, CA 94523
Tuesday, December 14
7:00 p.m.
Borders
200 King Street
San Fransciso, CA 94523
DILBERT STOCKING STUFFERS
=========================
For the special people in your life who aren’t special enough to make you get out of your chair and spend any big money, here are some Dilbert-related shopping suggestions.
DILBERT CALENDARS
(Get ‘em before they’re all gone)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/external-search?search-type=ss&tag=dilbertcom-20&keyword=DILBERT%20CALENDARS%202005&mode=books"
IT’S NOT FUNNY IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT
A collection of the all-time best Dilbert comics, according to me, with my hand-written commentary in the margins.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=dilbertcom-20&path=tg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0740746588%2Fref%3Dase_dilbertcom-20%3Fv%3Dglance%26s%3Dbooks"
OTHER GREAT DILBERT ITEMS!
Dolls, mugs, hats, mousepads, cellphone covers, clocks, and more.
http://www.cafepress.com/dilbert
Ask Dogbert
===========
Dear Dogbert,
My parents are always calling me to come over and fix their computer. I live an hour away, and this is getting annoying. What should I do?
Lawrence
Dear Lowrents,
Get an unlisted phone number and only communicate with your parents by e-mail. That way, when their computer doesn’t work, they won’t be able to ask you to fix it. Also, consider changing your name and living as a hobo. No one ever asks a hobo for tech support.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I want to invite my boss over for dinner, but my wife is a terrible housekeeper. I like a neat, clean house, but her packrat tendencies are so bad that we have to forge a path through the
junk. Any suggestions?
John
Dear Jaundice,
Tell your wife that you bought her a diamond tennis bracelet and it’s hidden beneath one of the piles. After she cleans the entire house looking for it, say, "Just kidding!" Then note the amusing look on her face and say, "I wish I had a camera! Ha ha!" Then hire a food taster because your odds of getting poisoned will be somewhat higher.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I work in a CD shop where lots of Induhviduals point to the price sticker on the CD and ask, "Is this the price?" How can I get maximum personal enjoyment out of this?
Wernich
Dear Wiener,
Tell them that the sticker shows "the price, not including gratuities."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
After saying hello to a coworker in the hall for the first time of the day, how am I to handle seeing him in the hall on successive occasions? Should I say hello again? Should I ignore him?
Micah
Dear Formica,
Try making a dopey face and saying too loudly, "WE’VE GOT TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS! HA HA HA HA!!!" Eventually, your coworkers will learn to avoid going near you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
There is a cute guy working in the cubicle near mine, how can I get him to ask me out?
Thanks
Maj
Dear Madcow,
I personally know the guy that sits next to you, and he says he isn’t the least bit interested. But don’t feel bad, because it isn’t you; it’s him not liking your looks and your personality.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
What is the effect of feeding Goldfish Crackers to a sperm whale?
Jorge
Dear (expletive deleted),
That is perfectly okay, except for the part where the sperm whale eats you and later poops you onto a barrier reef. But whatever you do, don’t try to feed a sperm whale to a Goldfish Cracker, because it will anger the whale and ruin the cracker.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert
How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and prevent myself from ever building a time machine?
Buttons
Dear Buttocks,
I will give you the answer to that question yesterday.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
DILBERT’S ULTIMATE HOUSE UPDATE
===============================
Dilbert’s Ultimate House (DUH) at www.dilbert.com has become a model for people who are planning to build their own houses. If you’ve borrowed any ideas from Dilbert’s design, especially the green elements, I’d love to know about it. E-mail me at scottadams@aol.com
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