[42] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 34.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Tue May 8 15:29:16 2001
Date: Tue, 08 May 2001 13:28:16 MDT
From: Scott Adams <dilbert+339070.15509437.1@list.unitedmedia.com>
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Dilbert Newsletter 34.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: May 2001
Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
1. New eBook from Scott Adams
2. Free Dilberito (tm) Video Game
3. DNRC Folk Sayings
4. Boss Quotes
5. True Tales of Induhviduals
6. Dogbert Answers My Mail
------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
You might think that the only benefit of DNRC membership is the
confirmation of your highly advanced (and probably
extraterrestrial) intelligence, your haunting good looks, and your
future as overlords of the planet. But starting today, there is
much, much more. You also get:
1. A free Dilberito video game
2. A chance to screw up the publishing industry just for fun
More on those things later, but first...
My Environmental Guilt
----------------------
Lately I've been getting flamed by people telling me I shouldn't
put my political opinions in the comic strip. This surprised me
because I didn't know I had any political opinions. In one recent
comic I depicted an Elbonian oil worker drilling through the back
of a unicorn. Apparently something about that psychotic mess
looked like an opinion about drilling in the Alaskan Wildlife
Preserve.
It's hard to have a righteous opinion on the environment when
you're as selfish and uninformed as I am. On one hand, I'm a
cat-loving vegetarian who ought to care deeply about the caribou or
koala bears or bats or whatever they have in Alaska. On the other
hand, I live in California so I'd be willing to squeeze
schoolchildren to death if I thought some oil would come out.
I might feel different if I planned to visit the Alaskan Wildlife
Preserve anytime soon. But I don't know what I would do once I got
there, aside from praying that I froze to death before I got eaten
by a caribou, or a koala bear, or a bat. I've seen pictures of the
Alaskan Wildlife Preserve and I can sum it up in just two words:
North Dakota. Do we really need two North Dakotas? I mean, we
already have South Dakota as an emergency spare.
I don't know whom to believe about the number of critters that will
get hurt by drilling in Alaska. The oil companies want me to
believe that the drilling crews will be giving backrubs and
chocolate to the penguins, possibly taking them to formal dances.
The environmentalists want me to believe that herds of caribou will
be squeezed into a single windowless igloo and forced to make
sneakers out of their own hide for ten cents an hour. My confusion
is compounded by the fact that I ran over a squirrel yesterday
while taking my car into the shop. I don't know how that's
related, but it seemed worth mentioning.
Many questions remain.
Will more animals die during, a) oil drilling in the Alaskan
Wilderness Preserve, or b) production of footwear for the
protesters?
How much oil is in the ground up there in Alaska anyway? In your
heart you know that somewhere there's a guy in a cubicle who had to
come up with an estimate for his boss. He probably didn't have the
budget to do the kinds of tests he wanted to do so he just flew up
there, stomped around in a big furry outfit, stuck some poles in
the ground, and proclaimed it to contain five billion barrels of
oil. He knew he'd be working someplace else before anyone was the
wiser. As the data worked its way up the chain of management, every
manager tacked on a few billion barrels to puff up his own
importance. Now we're pretty sure that the entire planet Earth is
comprised of nothing but two inches of topsoil covering a huge ball
of oil.
To summarize my political opinions:
1. I don't like unicorns
2. There is no oil in schoolchildren
3. Everyone on earth is a lying weasel
New Scott Adams ebook - "God's Debris"
------------------------------------
The title is "God's Debris." It's not a Dilbert book. I call it a
99-page Thought Experiment wrapped in a fictional story. It's an
ebook available only via Dilbert.com (http://www.dilbert.com). You
can read the introduction online before deciding if you want to
download it.
It's not like anything you've read before. It's designed to make
your brain spin around inside your skull. You won't agree with all
the views of the fictional characters. And that's the point. The
Thought Experiment works best if you can talk about it afterward
with a smart friend or two while enjoying a beverage. You can view
the book on your Windows computer or Palm-OS PDA.
I'm distributing "God's Debris" exclusively as an ebook, without
going through a publisher. DigitalOwl Inc. is handling the web
storefront function. If the ebook sells well it will set a
precedent that screws up the entire book industry. If you ever
wanted to screw up an entire industry - and who wouldn't - this is
your chance.
If you don't have any smart friends to talk to you can let me know
what you think of the ebook by e-mailing me at scottadams@aol.com.
I won't be able to respond to all of you but I'll read all of my
e-mail.
Boss Quotes
-----------
Here are some actual boss quotes from Dilbert readers to remind you
why you hate your job.
"What we need is a central suppository for this data."
"Put him between a rock and a hotplate."
He described a very overweight person as "obeast."
"That should be oblivious to you," when he meant to say "obvious."
"You gotta grab the frog by the horns!"
"You gotta catch that donkey to greatness!"
"Money made is money spent!"
"Managers are shepherds and employees are cows!"
"Don't change hearses in midstream."
"It's not rocking science."
Free Dilberito Game
--------------------
As a member of the DNRC you get a FREE copy of the Dilberito (tm)
video game. The object of the game is to increase Dilbert's life
expectancy by maneuvering him to gulp down good food and avoid
fatty food.
To play online with a Flash-enabled browser go to
http://www.dilbert.com. Or to download the game and play on your
computer, go to http://www.dilberito.com (Turn down your speakers
if you're in the office.)
I designed the game to promote the Dilberito(tm) -- the vegetarian
burrito with 100% of your Daily Values of 23 vitamins and minerals.
See dilberito.com for details. If you wondered why a cartoonist
would start a food company, it's because unhealthy eating is the
biggest problem in the Western world, i.e. it causes more people to
do the "dirt dance" (as my Dad would say) than drugs and tobacco
and alcohol. And it's a huge drain on the economy. If you want to
help make the world a better place, e-mail the Dilberito game or
URL to an impressionable kid and tell him that under no
circumstance should he forward a copy to every person he knows.
Oops about Dilbert by E-mail
----------------------------
Oops. Some of you received a Dilbert newsletter that said Dilbert
could be delivered daily by e-mail for anyone who signed up. That
should have been deleted from the newsletter because the service is
still in testing. I apologize for the confusion. We'll have it up
and running in a few weeks and I'll inform you via the next
newsletter.
DNRC Folk Sayings
------------------
In the prior newsletter I asked readers to submit their own
original and witty folk sayings. Here are my favorites, some of
which you will recognize as not being original. I replaced some of
the naughty words with clean words, in parentheses. For full
enjoyment translate them in your head to their naughty equivalents.
He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.
That one slipped by me like a Vaseline-coated ninja.
Slicker than deer guts on a doorknob
Hotter than two rats (enjoying marital relations) in a
wool sock.
I feel like a one-legged cat trying to bury a (rhymes with burd)
on a frozen pond.
More useless than an e-mail to my boss
I'm more "tired" than the Michelin Baby.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
I'd rather wear a tin bill and peck (nature's fertilizer) with
the chickens.
He's a little too tall for his blood supply.
Saltier than a fisherman's pants
Busier than a one-legged Riverdancer
Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which
one gets full first.
He's one photon short of a hologram.
And my vote for the submission least likely to become a common
expression:
He was crazier than a beflanneled George Lucas in a
Tunisian July.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here are some more True Tales of Induhviduals as reported by
brilliant and observant DNRC members.
True Tale 1
-----------
Our brilliant Marketing department just came up with a new slogan:
"D.I.It"
It's an abbreviation for "Do It". My complaints are these:
- The abbreviation is the same length as the
original phrase!
- It's a whole syllable LONGER than the original
phrase.
- It's redundant: "Do It It"???
- It probably took them a whole day to come up
with the slogan and they're actually proud of it!!
True Tale 2
-----------
I work in the engineering department of a private utility company.
In about three weeks we will be celebrating our corporate diversity
with a new program called "Many Faces - One Family."
Each of us is being asked to decorate a small paper "brick" with
our picture. These bricks will then be assembled into "The Great
Wall of Diversity."
We are anxiously awaiting the looks on the faces of the
Diversity Committee when they see a wall of 120 white faces smiling
back at them from the Great Wall of Stupidity.
True Tale 3
-----------
I once spent two weeks trying to explain to a senior manager of a
group of geologists that I couldn't tell him how much an acre of
soil weighed. He could not grasp the concept that you need to know
the depth to make that calculation. Finally, in desperation, I
asked him if a lower and upper bound would do. He agreed. I
calculated the weight of an acre that is one molecule deep and
another that extended to the center of the Earth.
That didn't convince him that a volume calculation needs three
dimensions, but at least he started bothering someone else about
it.
True Tale 4
-----------
A few years ago, a somewhat dim friend of mine was at my apartment
and was heating some soup in a very cheap metal pot that had a
non-insulated handle. When this person grabbed the hot metal handle
with a bare hand and yelped in pain from the burn, my roommate
said, "That pan gets pretty hot. You should use your other hand."
We soon heard another yelp followed by various curses from our
twice-cooked friend.
True Tale 5
-----------
I had a history teacher who found a decorative magnet on the floor
in her classroom. She picked it up and walked over to the door and
tried to stick it to the GLASS window. After several failed
attempts she said, "Oh well, I guess it must be broken."
[Editor's Note: But she'll try again because history teachers are
destined to repeat themselves.]
True Tale 6
-----------
I was in line to get a cup of coffee one morning at the University
coffee shop, when the guy in front of me started talking about
trying to get rid of all of his old twenty dollar bills. He had
heard on the local radio station that today was the last day that
the old twenties would be accepted. After that, they would be
worthless. He had gone to the bank, but there was a long line of
Induhviduals there to turn in their old twenties, so he left. I
reminded him that it was April 1st. His response: "Yeah, I know,
but it could be true."
True Tale 7
-----------
A cow-orker was describing a medical procedure he was about to
undergo. I told him to get a second opinion; he asked why. I said
because fifty percent of all doctors graduated in the bottom half
of their class.
Then our receptionist asked, "Where did you get those figures?"
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to
answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail. The names have
been changed to make them funnier.
Dear CELEBRITY,
I am a big fan of your SINGING/MOVIES/SPORT. I have just started a
hobby of collecting signed photos of my favorite celebrities. If
you could send me a signed photo I would treasure it forever.
Bernard
Dear Barnyard,
This is a big coincidence because I just started collecting signed
photos of people who have lame hobbies. Please send me a photo of
yourself in an action pose, preferably drooling or scratching
yourself inappropriately.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
In your cartoon of 4/7/01 where Dilbert is at his reunion he seems
to have grown long hair in the third panel. I don't get it.
What's the joke here?
Mallory
Dear Mallard,
What you are seeing isn't long hair. It is an attempt by Mr. Adams
to depict a wedgie so severe that it extends from the back of
Dilbert's pants to his forehead. This is a very difficult thing to
draw. Mr. Adams spent the better part of a week giving himself
wedgies and looking in the mirror with a sketchpad. After the
third day the pain became unbearable and Mr. Adams became addicted
to painkillers. He had to enter the Betty Ford Treatment Center,
specifically the Wedgie Wing, where he shared a room with someone
named Bill G. who had unwisely agreed to give a keynote address at
a Unix convention. By the end of his stay, Mr. Adams was sleeping
in a towel drawer and his roommate owned everything in the room.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
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